


Overtime

by aestophe



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Brief mentions of current DV, Eggsy is a mother hen, Eventual Triad, FIx It, Harry is a prat, Harry isn't dead, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of past domestic violence, Missions, Original Character(s), Other, Pairs, Polyamory, Sabotage, Suicidal Ideation, TBI, Threesomes, Traumatic Brain Injury, Workplace Gossip, but we don't talk about feelings, everything is not okay, heads went boom, here there be naughty bits, kingsman clean-up, non-consensual knock-out darting of insomniacs, who can you trust
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-02-10 09:06:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 67,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12908736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aestophe/pseuds/aestophe
Summary: It felt wrong, deep in Eggsy’s bones. He should have been out doing more, not sitting with his muscles cramping in a room that wasn’t his. Merlin should have been out doing more. Harry was dead, Harry was gone, and the world had gone to hell with it. The wrongness twisted his stomach and his mouth was dry. Part of him wanted to hit Merlin, and part of him wanted to kiss him. He didn’t want to be treated so nicely, not after having murdered hundreds of people.Did saving thousands more counterbalance that? Did it make it okay? Harry had said that Kingsman condoned the taking of one life to save another. But what when it was hundreds or thousands of lives? How could that not weigh on his conscience?“Do you ever get used t’it?” Eggsy managed, not looking up from the floor. He’d stopped any pretense of working on his muscles (fuck his arms hurt), but he didn’t want to look at Merlin when they were talking about stuff either.Merlin’s hands paused on his calf, before his fingers started gently working on a knot on his thigh. The pain flared hard and sharp, before Merlin’s fingers smoothed it away. “Not really,” Merlin said finally. He wasn’t looking at Eggsy either.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I love how this fandom takes everything more seriously than the movie creators.

It should have felt good. Eggsy should have felt triumph flowing through his veins, victory, at having stopped Valentine from killing the majority of the world. Instead he just felt empty, the adrenaline that had been sustaining him finally starting to seep away.

He stood where he was, looking down at Valentine, his blank eyes, the blood covering his body. There was so much blood. Merlin setting off the implants had saved him, that was true, but now the whole underground bunker was covered in the thick, red liquid.

Merlin’s crow of triumph still rung in his ears, and he started moving away from Valentine, seeking out a bottle of champagne. It would have been a waste to ignore the pretty girl in the cell, even if she wasn’t who he wanted. He couldn’t have who he wanted, even if he was still alive.

_ Fuck. _

The thought hit him in the chest, twisting his heart and curling his stomach. Harry. Harry was still in fucking Kentucky, thousands of miles from home. He was dead, and there Eggsy was, planning to have some victory buttsex with a princess he’d never met.

Then Merlin spoke. “He’d be proud of you.” And damn if that didn’t just twist the knife harder.

Eggsy took the champagne with him anyway, careful not to slip in the congealed blood as he limped his way back to the plane. “Ready to leave, bruv?” His voice was more ragged than he would have liked, but he felt like he’d just gone ten rounds with a champion boxer, so it wasn’t a surprise. His suit was bulletproof, but apparently like the bulletproof vests were. He was going to be a black and blue mess.

“Aye.” Merlin’s Scottish brogue felt comforting in his ear, and for a moment Eggsy stopped, letting himself lean against a wall and just breathe. For all he had been dealing with the past twelve hours, it was hitting him all at once, the adrenaline no longer enough to keep him going. “You all right, lad?”

Eggsy closed his eyes, focusing on the words. “Yeah.” He exhaled slowly, then pushed himself up and started back towards the plane. He didn’t know how to explain what he was, where his mind was. Part of him was surprised to feel the thick coolness of the champagne bottle in his hand. He was certain he’d dropped it reflexively when his breathing had stuttered. But it was there.

The stairs on the plane were down when he arrived, and he side-stepped more bodies and whatever crazy thing they had been planning to shoot Merlin with. Eggsy wasn’t unfamiliar with death. He’d lived on the council estate most of his life, after all. But death on this scale wasn’t something he’d planned for. It made him feel sick, even though he knew it was necessary. How did you deal with that, taking that many lives?

His stomach tightened, even as he planted a smile on his face and sauntered into the plane. He didn’t want to betray what he was feeling, especially when he didn’t really know what it was in the first place. There was anger, sadness, grief. The loss of Harry felt hollow in his chest.

“Good job, lad.” Merlin clapped him on the shoulder, a wide smile on his face (or what could be considered wide for the stoic Scotsman). Eggsy tried to mimic it, even if he wasn’t certain he did. “Harry was right.”

And there it was, the flicker of sour guilt in his middle that twisted him up inside as Merlin repeated his sentiment. Maybe it showed on his face, maybe he didn’t. Eggsy was tired enough that he didn’t care. When he looked back at Merlin, Merlin was watching him thoughtfully, a slight crease between his eyebrows.

“Thanks, bruv,” Eggsy said, trying to sound grateful. And he was grateful, mostly. It just hurt. A lot.

“Go strap yourself in,” Merlin advised. “We’re going to rendezvous with Lancelot in about an hour, then head home.”

Eggsy nodded and then headed to the back of the plane, strapping himself in and leaning back against the plush seats. The fatigue was hitting him now, the muscles in his body tightening as the ache set in. His torso felt like it was on fire, and his hands were twitching, the fingers almost overcompensating for how hard they had clutched the umbrella and guns.

He didn’t even realize he had dozed off, just heard the sound of the engines quieting and the stairs hissing back up. He could hear the sound of Merlin and Roxy’s voices, even though he couldn’t make out the words. He shifted to remove the straps, and quickly regretted that decision when his muscles screamed with pain. Fuck. Tomorrow was going to suck.

Then the small door was opening and Roxy was walking in, still dressed in her halo suit. “Fucking ace, Rox!” Eggsy grinned at her, meeting her part-way when she leaned down to hug him tightly.

“You too,” Roxy said, her arms wrapped around his shoulders. The buckles were digging into his sore muscles, but he didn’t care at the moment. The world had been saved, he and Roxy and Merlin were okay, and…

He swallowed thickly, hid it by squeezing Roxy tightly and then letting her go. What would they find back at headquarters? Had Arthur been the only one in cahoots with Valentine, or were there others?

“Eggsy?” Roxy’s concerned voice drew him out of his thoughts, and he turned to look at her with a vague smile.

“Yeah?” The smile was only half on his face, and he knew it. Roxy studied him, and then sat down next to him on the arm of his chair. Eggsy closed his eyes and leaned into her. He didn’t cry, not really. Even when Harry had  _ died _ , he had sat there in shock, but he hadn’t cried. And he wasn’t going to cry now, no matter how much his body wanted him to.

“I’m gonna go change.” Roxy pulled back just enough to meet his eyes.

Eggsy managed another smile. “Right-o.” He let go of her, even though he didn’t want to, and leaned back in his chair. There was a fidgety anxiousness underneath his skin, and part of him felt like he was still in combat, spinning and flipping with his life and the life of millions in his hands.

Roxy headed back into the back cabin, closing the door behind her. He tipped his head back up, jiggling his foot as he did so.

“You okay, lad?” Merlin’s voice came over the intercom, startling him.

Eggsy frowned, looking around the cabin. Could Merlin see him? He wouldn’t be surprised; the plane was Kingsman property and probably had cameras everywhere. “Yeah.” 

There was silence for a few seconds, and Eggsy could practically  _ feel _ Merlin’s skeptical expression. Then soft music started playing, classic rock that made Eggsy lift his eyebrows. “Your choice?” he asked, not sure whether Merlin could hear him. He wouldn’t have been surprised; Merlin was obviously paying attention.

“Mm,” Merlin agreed.

“Ta.” Eggsy closed his eyes, feeling some of the ache seeping out of his body as the music swirled around him. He hurt all over, not just his body but his soul. When Roxy came out of the back cabin, he opened his eyes long enough to see her sit next to him, taking her hand and twining it with his. It was never romantic, not him and Rox. She was his best friend. Kingsman training had bonded them together forever.

The song had switched, some sort of American band now that Eggsy didn’t recognize. He wanted to speak, wanted to let go, but the words caught in his throat and threatened to choke him. Instead Roxy squeezed his hand, he squeezed back, and the rest of the trip home was silent except for the music playing in the background.

The next thing Eggsy remembered was hearing Merlin’s voice on the intercom, ensuring that they were buckled up as the plane was about to land. He rubbed some sleep out of his eyes, feeling the pull of his muscles as he did so. It didn’t matter, not as much as he expected. He felt drained, numb. Like all he wanted to do was crawl into bed and never come out. But it wasn’t an option.

It was true Valentine hadn’t succeeded in all of his plans, but he had still done more than enough damage in the few minutes his program had activated. Then with the implants having gone off, who knew how many fatalities there were. How many important people lost their lives because they’d sworn allegiance to a madman?

“You two are to report to medical the moment you step off this plane, you understand?” Merlin popped his head in the division, apparently having landed the plane. Or maybe it was autopiloted, or something nifty like that. It was Kingsman, who knew. Eggsy’s brain was fuzzy.

Eggsy pressed his lips together thinly, even as Roxy nodded. He didn’t want to go to medical. He didn’t want to get poked and prodded and assessed. He just wanted to go out and do shit, anything to make his brain stop thinking about everything that had happened. He needed to check on his Mum, on Daisy. Ensure that Dean was out of the way, as much as he could.

But the likelihood of being able to do that anytime soon was small. Who even knew where his mobile was? In all of the fuss, he’d lost track of it.

Tears stung his eyes again, and ruthlessly he shoved them back down. There was no fucking way he was going to cry, not now. No matter how volatile his emotions felt or whatever was threatening to swamp him. He didn’t look at Merlin as he left the division, and a few seconds later Eggsy heard the hiss of the stairs as they went down. The plane was safely landed, then.

He nodded to Merlin as he left, ignoring his skeptical expression, and headed in the direction of the medical facilities, leaving Roxy behind. He didn’t want witnesses for what he was about to do.

That was one of the advantages of his background. He hadn’t done many bad things, not technically (legally), but life in the council estates had taught him how to memorize things fast and recall them when he needed to. So when he needed to figure out a back route to the Kingsman living quarters Roxy had been assigned, he could pull up the blueprints and figure it out.

Was he even technically a Knight? He’d never passed that final test. Merlin hadn’t said anything, hadn’t said one way or another. Eggsy didn’t want to ask. He ducked down one of the side corridors, his heart racing. He shouldn’t have separated from the others; who knew what he was going to find? But he didn’t care.

Maybe medical had exploded. Maybe all the staff were dead. The logical part of Eggsy doubted it, given that Kingsman surely had inspired loyalty in some of their workers. But the rational part of him wasn’t his driving force. So he ducked down another corridor, pausing when he heard voices and doubling back to ensure he was hidden. Service staff, from the sound of them. But he wasn’t going to risk it.

It was the long way to ensure that he made it to Roxy’s, but the door opened with his thumbprint. That was unexpected. He figured he was going to have to hack it. Maybe Merlin was watching him. There was certainly little in the Kingsman complex that Merlin didn’t see.

Ignoring the prickle of apprehension that sent down his spine, he headed into Roxy’s room. There was two, technically, a living area and a bedroom off to the side. The bathroom was huge, and after checking that the door was locked (or as locked as it got), Eggsy stripped his suit off. It was likely ruined, as covered in blood as it was, but who knew. Maybe the tailors could clean it.

He left a trail of clothes behind him as he entered the bathroom, grabbing a pair of super fluffy towels and tossing them within easy reach. Roxy obviously hadn’t spent much time in her living quarters, which made sense. She’d only been Lancelot for a few hours before everything had gone to hell. Still, there were generic toiletries both on the counter and in the shower. There was a bathtub, too, but he turned away from it and turned the shower on as hot as he could stand.

He threw his boxers off, and stopped and looked at himself in the mirror. Internally he winced. His torso and abdomen were the bluish-black of bruises yet to blossom, there was a cut on his cheek he didn’t remember getting. Even his cheeks were bluish-black. There were scrapes on his arms like grazing bullets, even though there were no holes in the fabric. No wonder he felt like shit.

He stepped under the hot water. It punched his breath out of him in a sharp gasp as it hit him. It was like a thousand needles prickling his skin all at once, even as it warmed the muscles and took the sharp edge off the ache. He bowed his head, letting the warmth wash over his face and hair. The water sluicing off him was tinged pink. Was he bleeding somewhere? Maybe. He didn’t care. Maybe it was his cheek.

He washed himself with gritted teeth, his breathing hitching every so often when he tugged a muscle the wrong way. But as he finished rinsing his hair, the water running clear now, the ache had eased up some. He was going to be sore as fuck, but it felt more manageable, at least for another day or two. He could use adrenaline to brute force it, and deal with everything later.

He was half-asleep under the warmth of the spray when he finally reached out to turn it off. Braining himself wouldn’t help Merlin, and he didn’t want to add to his time off.

Turning his brain to Merlin maybe hadn’t been his smartest moment. He could picture Merlin’s eyes, the crease in his eyebrows. He wasn’t Harry, that was true, but he was someone Eggsy… Lust wasn’t the right word. Neither was love. Not that Eggsy allowed himself to fantasize about the other Kingsmen, not really.

At least not where they lived.

Were they his coworkers? He wasn’t certain he wanted an answer to that question. Wrapping a towel around his waist, Eggsy stepped out of the shower, hissing as the cool air hit his shower-warmed skin. He focused on breathing, wincing as his ribs creaked. He was fine. He would tell himself that over and over until it was the truth.

He slung a second towel around his neck, stopping the water dripping off his hair from pooling in the small of his back. The room was still generic enough that Eggsy hoped it still had a wide variety of clothes in it, not just those for Roxy. She hadn’t moved any of her belongings in, that much she had told Eggsy on the plane.

Limping out of the bathroom, he stopped with a sharp inhale of surprise. Merlin was standing there, his brow creased in that familiar expression and his arms crossed. Eggsy turned away from him, heading towards the dresser and pulling out clothes that looked close to his size. Thank god for the fact Roxy slept in a t-shirt and boxers. They weren’t Eggsy’s, that was true, but they’d work.

The worst bit about grabbing clothes was the fact he had to put them on. He didn’t care that Merlin was watching. He wasn’t self-conscious about his body, or the bruises or anything else. Besides, throughout training he was certain Merlin had seen everything, so it wasn’t like there was anything to hide. But the ache in his body told him that it wasn’t going to be fun.

The boxers went on first, then the shirt, Eggsy ignoring how much pain that sent throughout his torso. Even his hamstrings were complaining, and it felt like only seconds would pass before his entire body started cramping. He limped towards the bed, ignoring Merlin still standing there like a silent guardian as he forced his aching fingers to work on his leg muscles.

“May I?”

Merlin’s voice caught Eggsy off guard, and he almost jerked back when he realized Merlin was now kneeling in front of him. As tired as he was, as far down as his guards were, his mind went straight down the gutter, imagining that Merlin was kneeling in front of him for entirely different, entirely unprofessional reasons --

“Ta,” he managed to croak instead. He turned his head away from Merlin so he didn’t have to look at him, but he felt Merlin’s large, long hands on the calf of his other leg as they started working the muscles, soothing some of the tension out of them.

It felt wrong, deep in Eggsy’s bones. He should have been out doing more, not sitting with his muscles cramping in a room that wasn’t his. Merlin should have been out doing more. Harry was dead, Harry was gone, and the world had gone to hell with it. The wrongness twisted his stomach and his mouth was dry. Part of him wanted to hit Merlin, and part of him wanted to kiss him. He didn’t want to be treated so nicely, not after having murdered hundreds of people.

Did saving thousands more counterbalance that? Did it make it okay? Harry had said that Kingsman condoned the taking of one life to save another. But what when it was hundreds or thousands of lives? How could that not weigh on his conscience?

“Do you ever get used t’it?” Eggsy managed, not looking up from the floor. He’d stopped any pretense of working on his muscles (fuck his arms hurt), but he didn’t want to look at Merlin when they were talking about  _ stuff _ either.

Merlin’s hands paused on his calf, before his fingers started gently working on a knot on his thigh. The pain flared hard and sharp, before Merlin’s fingers smoothed it away. “Not really,” Merlin said finally. He wasn’t looking at Eggsy either.

Eggsy was the first one to lift his head and study the other. Merlin’s face was still, like a pond without ripples. It looked almost entirely without emotion, but when Eggsy looked closer he could see the faintest downturn at the edge of Merlin’s lips.

“I’ve killed more than I can count, lad.” Merlin looked up at him, and there was  _ something _ in his eyes that Eggsy couldn’t place. “We just have to cope the best we can.”

Something bright and hot bloomed in Eggsy’s chest, threatening to topple him over the edge. It was harder than he expected, having Merlin there, Merlin touching him. There was something infinitely comforting about his hands, the gentle way he moved them over Eggsy’s skin and soothed the knots underneath.

“What about Harry?” Eggsy asked, the words halting.

Merlin didn’t pause this time, but he wasn’t looking at Eggsy either. “Harry did this for a long time, lad.” There was a catch in Merlin’s voice. 

The use of the past test felt like a stab to his heart. Without permission, he felt a hot tear slide its way down his cheek. Fucking bastard. He didn’t want to cry.

He didn’t realize he’d said that out loud until he saw Merlin looking at him, a soft  _ something _ on his face. “I miss him, too.”

There was a faint crease on Eggsy’s face, confusion. Something hot and warm was brimming in his chest, some swelling of emotion that was threatening to tip him over an edge that he didn’t know existed. He didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to let go, not in that way. The heat thrumming through him intensified, a chill running through him as his adrenaline spiked, the pain disappearing.

He looked at Merlin, who was looking at him with that same, steady, neutral expression. Merlin, who had been there for everything. Merlin, who had understood, no matter what. He wasn’t going to put into words what he was feeling; it was impossible anyway. But that didn’t stop him from leaning down to where Merlin was still kneeling and kissing him, grabbing that tie of his to pull him closer.

Eggsy felt Merlin stiffen slightly underneath him, then eased, and for a moment Eggsy thought he’d colossally fucked up. He’d been reading things wrong, he was a fucking idiot --

Then Merlin was kissing him back, his lips warm and dirty as his tongue swiped at Eggsy’s lips to demand entrance. Eggsy parted his lips, a gasp of surprise, as Merlin pushed forward, pinning Eggsy down loosely on the bed. It wasn’t really a pin, that was the wrong word. Eggsy very much could have moved if he wanted to. He just didn’t.

Merlin was still holding himself up, but his hands were on Eggsy’s wrists, pinning them up near his head. His nose knocked Eggsy’s, his glasses hitting the edge of his face in a way that Eggsy found oddly attractive. It was hard to focus on stuff like that when Merlin was kissing him.

Eggsy let out a surprised moan when Merlin nibbled on his bottom lip, feeling his hips jerk. He was hard already, his emotions running high, and all he wanted was to get off. To forget everything that had happened, to get a release and take the edge off of everything that had happened.

Merlin’s lips drifted down to Eggsy’s neck, licking and sucking and careful of the bruises that had started to blossom there. Not that Eggsy would have felt pain, not at the moment. He was too far gone for that, adrenaline and desire pulsing through him in a way that eradicated everything else.

He shifted his grip slightly, putting his hands on Merlin’s shoulders, then squeezed and used the force to flip them over, putting Merlin on the bottom and  _ his _ wrists pinned above his head. Merlin looked up at him, and there was a cocky expression on his face, his eyebrows lifted the smallest amount as if daring him to make a move. “Well?”

Eggsy raised his eyebrows back.

“Get on with it!” Merlin chided, his Scottish accent thickening as his voice dropped half an octave.

If that wasn’t permission, Eggsy wasn’t certain what was. He used one hand to take off Merlin’s glasses. Since Merlin was there, it was likely no one was monitoring the feed, but he didn’t want to take any chances. He tucked Merlin’s glasses next to his on the nightstand. Briefly Eggsy’s brain apologized for what he was about to do to Roxy’s bed. Maybe she’d forgive him. Maybe she’d make him switch rooms.

Shit, that was something he would think about later.

Then he was kissing Merlin, teeth and tongue and heat as he fought to keep Merlin from reversing the situation again. The Scotsman was a sneaky bastard, and the way he canted his hips towards Eggsy was fighting dirty. Very dirty.

Eggsy tightened his grip on Merlin’s wrists and sat up, settling on Merlin’s hips even as he leaned forward to look at him. There was a sort of debauched look on Merlin’s face, his lips kiss-swollen and his pupils dilated. It looked good on him. Eggsy didn’t want to think about how he looked. Probably worse. Especially since he was just in a shirt and boxers.

He rolled his hips forward, feeling Merlin’s hardness underneath him and inhaling sharply at the pleasure that surged through him. Fuck, it felt good. It’d been so long since he’d been with someone, especially a bloke. A bloke he wanted to be with.

“Fucking get on with it,” Merlin said, but it sounded rougher this time, some of the sarcasm lost. Eggsy kissed him again, letting go of one of his wrists to undo Merlin’s fly. It was surprisingly easy, then he was easing his hand inside Merlin’s slacks and boxers in order to grasp his cock. He was thicker than Eggsy had expected, but that wasn’t a bad thing. He kept his grip just tight enough to feel good as he slid his hand up and down, shifting slightly so that he could kiss Merlin better.

Then he slid his lips down his jawline, hand working faster and twisting in the way he knew from experience felt fucking amazing. Merlin’s breath was coming faster, Eggsy could practically  _ feel _ him coming undone underneath him. He kissed at his neck, grazing with his teeth at the skin he could reach. The fact they both had clothes on only made it better, even if Eggsy was only half-dressed. Merlin was fully dressed, except for his cock in Eggsy’s hand. But he looked rumpled as hell.

He kissed Merlin’s neck, quickening his pace, and he twisted his finger over the head as he nipped at Merlin’s skin, feeling his sharp inhale and feeling the tightening of his body as he came in Eggsy’s hand. He worked him through it, delighting in the way that Merlin gasped softly. He wasn’t a shouter, not apparently, but there was something hot about the way he was quiet, the way he tried to hide his noise, bite back everything.

“Sorry about your jumper, bruv,” Eggsy said, peering around the room in an attempt to find something to clean him up with.

“Hold on there, boyo.” Merlin’s hands were back on him. Eggsy frowned down at him.

Eggsy let out a frustrated sigh when Merlin flipped him again, but he allowed it. Yeah gravity wasn’t going to do him any favors at that point, but hey, he was the one who’d ruin Merlin’s jumper, and it wasn’t like Merlin could ruin the clothes he was wearing.

Merlin slid a hand up Eggsy’s sleep shirt, tweaking a nipple. Then the same hand slid down, pausing just before the waistband of his boxers. “May I?” There was the politest, most dick-ish question on his face. Bastard.

“Get on with it!” Eggsy retorted. Then Merlin’s hand was on him and he let out his breath in a rush, tilting his head back and lifting his hips. Merlin was merciless in the way he took him apart, one hand stroking him off as the other pinched and soothed his nipples in turn, as Merlin’s lips worried the soft, bruised skin of Eggsy’s neck, the little flares of pain just stoking Eggsy’s fire further.

Then Merlin was shifting, quickening his pace as he pushed Eggsy’s shirt up and sucked his nipple into his mouth.

Eggsy wasn’t quiet, not like Merlin, so when his orgasm hit him it hit like a freight train and he struggled to choke off his shout, even as he came on his stomach. His breath was ragged, and he looked at Merlin, not entirely certain what had just happened. But Merlin wasn’t looking at him; instead his attention was redirected towards the rest of the room, probably looking for the same thing Eggsy had been trying to find.

Merlin pulled off his jumper distastefully and threw it in the laundry, before grabbing a washcloth and returning to wipe Eggsy off before tucking him back in his boxers. Eggsy pushed himself up on his elbows, watching as Merlin checked the room for anything else. Were they going to talk about what happened? Were they not?

“Get some rest, lad.” Merlin swept the room one more time with his eyes, then came closer. Eggsy looked at him, but he trusted him, even though he knew Merlin could break him a thousand ways to Sunday. But all Merlin did was lean down and press a kiss to Eggsy’s forehead. Then he turned and headed out of the room.

Eggsy stared at him as he went, as he disappeared. What the fuck? His muscles were starting to ache again as he stood. Yes, he needed sleep. But fuck, he needed a drink first. Then he could help Merlin put the world to rights.


	2. Chapter 2

Merlin left Eggsy’s - no, Roxy’s - room with a mind that was elsewhere. What had he been thinking, letting the lad kiss him? Much less kissing him back? Entirely inappropriate, but…

It had been exactly what he needed.

He shoved it out of his mind, determined to focus on it later. Or never. Never was a better option. He needed to liaise with MI6, ensure that they were taking over responsibility for Valentine’s captives. It was much easier on all of them if the Kingsmen were kept out of that. There was going to be enough publicity already.

His lab, the place he needed to be, was on the other side of the building. Why had he detoured immediately to see Eggsy? The logical, reasonable answer was he’d been concerned about him. After all, Eggsy’d been involved in quite a few shootouts recently - plus Harry.

The thought weighed him down. He needed to get someone on retrieving his body. As much as he wanted to be the one who went and got his - whatever Harry was, Merlin was the default, acting Arthur and couldn’t leave HQ. First things first, he needed to find out who was dead and who was alive.

He gritted his teeth as he entered the lab, bracing himself. Who was left? Who wasn’t? The plane had limited communications, after Valentine’s trackers had fried some of the comms, and Merlin’s stomach had been roiling too much to get a detailed list of what exactly had happened at HQ.

“Merlin.” Lyonesse’s voice caught him off guard. She was tall and blonde, curvy and no-nonsense. Her sister, Lynette, was his second in command. Where was she?

“Lyonesse.” Merlin inclined his head slightly, but his heart caught in his chest at the sight of the paper she held his way.

“List of casualties.” Her voice was stony, and her hand trembled a minute amount.

Shit. He took the paper, using all of his self control to not shake as he turned his gaze to the list.

His stomach dropped. Lynette was first on the list. Then three Knights - Bors, Kay, and Bedivere. Bedivere had been found in public, headless, added to the list of the dead. Bors had been found in his office, also headless. Kay’s body hadn’t been found yet, but his vitals were no longer transmitting, which meant he was dead. Was he headless? They didn’t know. Arthur’d been thrown on the bottom of the list, which Merlin ignored. Arthur hadn’t been particularly fond of the support staff.

The list had “h” next to some of the names. Those who had been found headless, Merlin assumed. His heart sank as he read further. All in all, twelve Kingsman employees had been lost, nine of which were confirmed to be victims of Merlin activating the implants. The other three were yet to be found, under real or fake names. That was the downside of having so many aliases.

“You’re second in command,” Merlin said crisply, nodding to Lyonesse. There was red around her eyes; she’d been crying. If Merlin had bet, Lyonesse hadn’t known anything about Lynette siding with Valentine.

“Merlin, Sir!” Another tech employee, Morvydd, caught his attention.

Of all the employees, Morvydd was one Merlin wouldn’t have minded disappearing. He shut down that thought as fast as it occurred, adjusting his glasses and keeping his face blank. “The Queen and the family are being held underneath the palace.”

“Well shit,” Merlin muttered, rubbing his forehead. “Who do we have in home?”

“Lancelot and --” Morvydd frowned. Merlin met his eyes, and it took all of his self-control to ignore the flicker of anger.

“Eggsy,” Merlin finished. “Galahad.” He had the power to do that, despite what the Knights would think. Eggsy had more than proved himself; he had saved the world.

There was a flicker of disapproval on Morvydd’s face, but Merlin ignored it. “Percival and Gareth are on their way, Lamorak and Gawain are finishing up more time-sensitive missions.”

“And then the three dead.” Merlin nodded once. “Assign Lancelot and Galahad to MI6 to help in the palace. Lyonesse, you’ll handle them.” He wanted to do it himself, he didn’t trust anyone else, but he didn’t have a choice. As the stand-in for Arthur, there was a lot on his plate, and the Queen was just one of those things.

The staff nodded and followed his orders, even though he could feel the flicker of disapproval. He didn’t care. He could care about it later, when he had to deal with everything once the world was more settled. Lyonesse started speaking into her glasses, and she’d already slid into one of the work spaces that Merlin kept specifically for that use. He trusted her, he did, but it didn’t stop him from using his glasses to tap into her feed so he could supervise while he worked.

Not that he intended to “butt in”, so to speak. He just wanted to make sure that Eggsy - and Lancelot - were okay.

“Call a meeting of the remaining Kingsmen,” he ordered. Morvydd nodded and started tapping at the keyboard in front of him, sending out the glasses-messages. Merlin grabbed his clipboard and headed towards the briefing room. He could hear Eggsy muttering, Roxy’s soft voice from Medical as Lyonesse started briefing them on their mission over the comm unit. It’d be a private briefing, a quick one. They had less than an hour before they needed to meet the MI6 team.

He pulled up a copy of the emergency contingency plans, scrolling through them on the clipboard as it was reflected on the screen.

Percival flickered in first. Merlin nodded simply, but didn’t receive one in return. It made sense that the team was fragmented at the moment. Who knew what to believe? Who knew who to believe? Gareth and Gawain were next, then Lamorak. The remnants of the Knights. “I’ve initiated Emergency Protocols,” Merlin said, pulling up the relevant bullets on the screen. “Galahad and Lancelot have been sent to assist MI6 in securing the Palace and the Prime Minister,” he started, and Eggsy’s and Roxy’s photos flashed up on the screen.

He didn’t miss the tension that he felt in the room, he simply ignored it. “Lyonesse is handling the mission, and Morgana is arranging a transport to Kentucky to retrieve the former Galahad’s - Harry’s - body.” He ignored the flare of pain. He could grieve later. He couldn’t think about it now.

“Percival, Gareth, you’ll be relegated to domestic missions to help secure this country.” Merlin pulled up a map of the UK with several dots highlighted. Those were trouble zones, places he needed to monitor and keep Knights close to. “Lamorak, Gawain, once your current assignments are finished, you’ll be briefed by your handlers on your next steps.”

The Knights nodded as one, their images flickering slightly with the static of bad reception.

“Any questions?” Merlin looked from one to the other. None of them looked happy, but he didn’t particularly care. “Good.” He flicked on the clipboard and the image on the wall vanished. “We’ll be in touch.”

They took it for the dismissal it was, and the images flickered out one by one. Merlin took his glasses off, rubbing his forehead as the headache pulsed through him. Shit. The world was going to shit, and he was barely hanging on. Harry, whatever he’d been to him, was gone. He was sending Eggsy into danger because he had no other choice, knowing it wasn’t the best idea.

He was fucking good at his job, and he knew it. But he hated it sometimes.

He stood and left the briefing room, heading back to his lab. It was the part he hated most about his job, and the most about assuming - temporarily - the Arthur role. It came with a ridiculous amount of paperwork. Everything that had been done had to be written down, corroborated, and he needed to collate all of the accounts and document everything for the future generations of Kingsmen.

MI6 was split, part handling Valentine’s victims and part with Eggsy and Roxy - Galahad and Lancelot, he corrected himself. He checked in with the appropriate feeds. About half of the cells had been cleared, and the others were proceeding nicely. Soon the bunker would be empty, and they’d be tallying the dead, identifying who had been captive versus who had simply died. Bloody Valentine and his insistence on keeping all of his lists on paper, rather than electronic.

None of those thoughts helped his headache. Instead he checked in with Galahad and Roxy.

_“On your left!” Merlin heard Lancelot shout._

_“Thanks, Rox - Lancelot!” The sound of gunfire drowned out Eggsy’s voice._

Part of Merlin sagged in relief. They were handling things well. MI6 seemed to be cooperating, and they would secure the government and start the process of returning at least this country to order.

Bugger. He tapped out a message on his clipboard to Amelia at the Berlin branch. That wasn’t her real name, of course, but it worked. Different places had different codenames, to keep people from getting confused. He needed to check with their office in the US and elsewhere. Surely they were already being kept busy, but it would be better to liaise now than to leave it too long.

_“Shit! Thanks, Lance.”_ Eggsy’s voice echoed over the speakers in his glasses, and for some reason it eased some of the tension from Merlin’s shoulders. Sex with Eggsy hadn’t been his brightest decision, but it certainly hadn’t been his worst. He doubted Eggsy would speak of it, and if he did, Merlin would deal with it later. Besides, Eggsy’d been more than willing.

After all, Eggsy had said it best, to Harry all those months ago in the pub. _“I’ve never grassed anyone up, I swear!”_

Eggsy’s hand on him had felt better than he had anticipated, and while he wasn’t going to touch feelings with a ten-foot pole, he did know he was fond of him. It’d been an interesting year, watching Eggsy grow from the “delinquent” he had been to the Kingsman he was now. Especially under Harry’s mentorship, as erratic as it was.

“Merlin?” A light blipped at the edge of his vision, and he straightened up, tapping the side of his frames to activate the call.

“Yes, Morgana?” It was the woman he’d put in charge of retrieving Harry’s body. “Do you have an update?”

“There’s no body,” Morgana said, and there was something in her voice that didn’t sit well with Merlin. Besides the whole “Harry’s body was missing” thing.

“What do you mean there’s no body?” Merlin repeated the words deliberately slower.

“A John Doe was found alive on the property and taken to a local hospital, where he disappeared a few hours later.” She sighed. “John Doe matches Harry’s description, as do the hospital records.”

“Where the hell did he go?” How the fuck was he alive? That was the other question.

“We’re looking.” Morgana grimaced. “From what the doctor’s notes said, the bullet hit the glasses frame and it changed the trajectory, grazing his skull rather than destroying it. So it’s possible he’s conscious.”

“Well shit,” Merlin muttered. Shit, shit, shit.

“What do you want us to do, Sir?” Morgana sounded hesitant. “We’re planning to check nearby hospitals and investigate potential safe houses, especially those with the US branch.”

“That’s fine,” Merlin said, and he sounded distracted because he was. “Let me know the moment you find anything.” He tapped the frames to end the call. What had happened to Harry? And how the fuck was he going to tell Eggsy?

**

“We got ‘em,” Eggsy said into his comm unit, his breathing harsh. Adrenaline was keeping him going, but he wasn’t sure how much longer that would last. First had been freeing the Queen, second was the few remaining Cabinet members that were still alive on Downing Street. The sight of so many dead bodies was getting to him, and an itch settled under his skin.

“Good work, Galahad,” Lyonesse said.

Eggsy almost tripped over his feet. The first time he had assumed it was a mistake, but this time he wasn’t so sure. “What’d you call me?”

“Merlin put through an order assigning you to the Galahad position,” Lyonesse said, her voice cautious.

A lance went through Eggsy’s heart, and he struggled to stay standing, even as he listened to Lancelot and the MI6 folk start cleaning up. His chest hurt, his abdomen was on fire, and he didn’t even want to think about how much he was going to hurt when he got to HQs. And then there was his name.

“That’s Harry’s -” He swallowed the words before Lyonesse could respond. “Aces, ta.” He pushed the comm device to cut off communication. He knew the next steps would be returning to headquarters, and he didn’t need babysitting for that. He could feel Lancelot’s eyes on him but he ignored them, straightening up as if he didn’t feel like he was five times his age.

The rest of the mission wrapped up smoothly, or as smoothly as things did when the world ended. He got in the taxi Lyonesse summoned, and they started back to Savile Row. It was going to be slow and painful, given the state of traffic, but he was fine with that. Especially given how much he hurt.

Lancelot was next to him, her breathing evening as she leaned her head against the bulletproof window. She wasn’t as bruised as Eggsy was, but she was heading straight on another mission when they got back. Eggsy would be, too, if Merlin approved. He wasn’t entirely sure he would.

He wasn’t entirely certain he wanted Merlin to. His breath felt creaky, and his ribs ached every time he inhaled and exhaled. His head was spinning, and it was adrenaline that kept him going. Eventually he was going to run out, and eventually he was going to crack.

“He called you Galahad.” Roxy’s voice was soft, teasing at the edge of Eggsy’s consciousness, and he turned to look at her. There was a compassion on her face, and she reached out and squeezed his thigh. “Congrats.”

“Ta, Rox,” Eggsy croaked, and he wasn’t sure what else to say. No, that wasn’t right. He knew what he wanted to say. He didn’t deserve it. That was Harry’s title. It wasn’t his.

But Harry was gone, wasn’t he. A knot tied itself in his gut, and he turned to look back out the window, watching the scenery go slowly, slowly by. It was dark outside now, and the headlights beamed, but he didn’t care. To anyone else he was just some posh loony who thought driving somewhere at this moment was a good idea.

He was grateful no one could see in his head, see the dark thoughts that swirled and threatened to consume him. He’d tried not to kill, but it had been so easy, so automatic. It was safer, since the guards couldn’t come after them, couldn’t catch up with their team and ambush them when they least expected it. It was simpler.

But all Eggsy could think of was that there was that many families who weren’t getting someone home that night. Even if they were bad guys - and Eggsy doubted it was quite as simple as good vs bad - they still had people that loved them. Like he did.

_Shit._

“Rox, do you have your phone?” He turned to look at her, drawing her attention.

He could see it dawn in her eyes, and she nodded, handing it over.

“Ta.” With shaking hands he dialed his Mum’s number, listening to it ring as his heart raced.

“Hello?” His Mum’s voice on the other end of the line would have sent him crashing if he was standing. Instead, he let a breath out in a rush, clutching the mobile tighter to his face.

“Mum?”

“Eggsy!” There was relief and desperation in her voice. “Where are you? What happened? Who was that woman that called?”

So she’d listened. “Are you and Daisy okay?” He went straight to the heart of why he was calling.

“Yeah, we are.” There was a pregnant pause, and Eggsy’s heart sank. “So is Dean.”

Eggsy took a deep breath, and was surprised to find out he was too exhausted for anything more than a flare of anger. He’d deal with that later. “Listen, Mum, I’m out helping with the clean-up, so I won’t be home for a while, yeah?”

“Is that girl - Roxy - with you?” There was curiosity in her tone, not that Eggsy could blame her. It’d been awfully random, Roxy calling her up like that. But it had been necessary.

“Yeah, we’re on the same team.” He glanced over at Rox, who raised her eyebrows. “Right, gotta go Mum. Love you.”

“Love you too.” The line went dead, and Eggsy sat there and stared at Rox’s mobile for a while.

“Eggsy?” Roxy’s voice was soft.

“Dean’s fine,” Eggsy said, in the voice he used when he really wasn’t all right. But there was fuck all he could do about it at the moment, looking like he’d been hit by a truck and not even able to walk right. Dean would kick his arse.

Roxy swore underneath her breath in what Eggsy was fairly confident was German. “Sorry.”

Eggsy shook his head, handing her the phone. “Ta, Rox.” He offered her a faint smile.

She took the phone from him, letting her hand linger over his and offer some minute comfort. The smile faded from his face before he could stop it, so he turned his head away, directing his gaze back outside. They were going faster than he had expected was possible. Given that it was a Kingsman taxi, Eggsy was certain there was some sort of technological manipulation going on to get them back to the safety of headquarters as fast as possible, but he didn’t question it.

He could see Roxy out of the corner of his eye, see the way she stiffened as if she was listening to a voice Eggsy couldn’t hear. Then she turned to look at him, studying him for a few moments. “Merlin says we’re to report to medical when we get back.”

Eggsy hummed a noise of assent, even though he knew he wasn’t going to do any such thing. Why the fuck was he being such a coward? He didn’t want to get benched, but he did at the same time. He felt like he was failing Harry, being impacted by everything that had happened. Harry wouldn’t have worried, he would have gone about his day.

But was it a bad thing, really, caring about whether people lived or died? It really was a question that didn’t have a good answer. It was something he would have to think long and hard about, at some point, or stop being a Kingsman. Because it wasn’t fair to his Handler and his team to go half way.

He must have closed his eyes without realizing, because next thing he knew Roxy’s hand was on his shoulder. He was grateful for all the time they’d trained together, for the fact he recognized it was her instead of immediately grabbing the hand and twisting it as if someone strange had grabbed him.

“We’re here,” Roxy said, her voice low and unobtrusive.

Eggsy grunted, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with one hand as he blearily peered around. They were in front of Savile Row, in front of the Kingsman shop. If Eggsy’s muscles had been less achy, he would have scowled. Standing in the front of the shop, a scotch in his hand, was Merlin. There was no way Eggsy was getting out of going to medical with Merlin standing there staring at him.

The fight drained out of him, leaving him oddly limp. He scooted out of the cab after Roxy, his gaze focused near his feet and anywhere other than Merlin. Roxy was dressed neatly, but both of them looked rough after the extraction op, and he focused by categorizing where the various tears and scuffs had come from on the back of her jacket.

“Lancelot, Galahad.” Merlin’s voice caught him off guard, but he followed Roxy’s lead and nodded stiffly. He just didn’t look at Merlin, or at anyone, really. “Medical is anticipating you.”

Anger thrummed down Eggsy’s tired body. He didn’t want to be Galahad, he didn’t want to be stuck dealing with the injuries from Valentine’s bunker. He wanted to be home, protecting his mother and people he cared about. Couldn’t the world understand that for one damn minute? Guilt caught him before the thought finished crossing his mind. Selfish.

But he didn’t care. Sometimes you needed to be selfish in life.

“Let’s go, lad.” Merlin’s Scottish brogue came from closer now, and Eggsy lifted his head to see that Merlin was standing only a couple feet away, his face still but something gentle at the corner of his eyes. Roxy had disappeared, presumably heading to the tube that would take them to the mansion. Probably straight to medical, too, if Merlin had his way.

Eggsy studied him for a few seconds, then nodded, breaking eye contact and heading for the tube. He wasn’t entirely surprised when Merlin followed; he could hear a tap-tap as the clipboard reappeared and Merlin’s attention was redirected to it. Eggsy was fairly surprised when Merlin didn’t run into anything, even when Eggsy could see out of the corner of his eyes that he never looked up.

Then again, he was Merlin. Eggsy would have been more surprised if Merlin hadn’t memorized the whole shop.

The moment the tube doors closed, Merlin set the clipboard aside. The lights flickered once. Something flipped in Eggsy’s stomach, and he looked between Roxy and Merlin, uncertain.

But Merlin looked deadly serious. “Eggsy, I’ve promoted you to Galahad.”

Eggsy just swallowed, not knowing what to say. Especially not in front of Roxy. He wanted another nap.

“Both you and Lancelot will stay in temporary quarters until we’ve assigned your new living quarters,” Merlin continued. The faintest hint of a smile quirked at the corner of his lips. “I trust you both know where those are.”

Eggsy’s lips weren’t so tired that he couldn’t half-smile at Merlin’s teasing. He half-nodded, his eyes distant. “Did --” He paused, wet his lips. “Did they find Harry?”

Something flickered in Merlin’s face, something Eggsy didn’t understand. “They’re still looking,” Merlin said in return.

Eggsy frowned; something felt off. But maybe it was the fact his whole body was on fire. Everything hurt.

“Twelve Kingsman employees have been found dead,” Merlin continued. “Three Knights.” At Roxy’s horrified look, Merlin had the grace to wince. “Kay, Bedivere, and Bors.” Roxy relaxed. “And nine support staff.” Eggsy saw his Adam’s apple bob. “Including the second in command in the Merlin department.”

Eggsy’s heart skipped a beat, and his eyebrows raised. That was Merlin’s second in command; he was in charge of both the Knight handlers and oversaw all the support staff. It must have been someone he knew well, then. Someone he cared for. “Fuckin’ sucks,” he said, not sure what else to say.

Merlin arched one eyebrow, but there was a lift at the corner of his lips that seemed to be amusement warring with sadness. “Yes,” he said simply.

The tube started slowing down, and Eggsy leaned back in his chair, his eyelids starting to droop. When was the last time he’d slept? There was maybe an hour or two in the taxi, but beyond that, he wasn’t really sure. He’d been too jittery on the plane, then Harry had happened, and --

No wonder he was shattered.

The tube doors hissed open, revealing the unfaltering, depressing white of the Medical unit. Eggsy flicked his gaze to Merlin, who looked smug, and then back. Yeah, he saw that coming. Merlin wasn’t going to let him escape a second time.

Merlin didn’t go back to doing whatever it was he was supposed to be doing until Eggsy (and Roxy, but she was less trouble) had been handed over to the medical team.

Eggsy sat in the proffered chair, looking where they told him to and sticking out his tongue and whatever else they asked. X-rays, MRIs, some weird other machine that required him to sit still. He was okay with that, he was good at that. He could close his eyes and drift for a bit, pretend that nothing that had happened in the past - 24? 48 hours? Had actually happened.

When the reports came back, his doctor, a middle-aged woman named Fay, stood in front of him, her brows knitted together.

“Not good news?” Eggsy cracked, trying to make it a joke.

She arched an eyebrow, but there was humour there. “Not exactly.”

“Bugger.” Not that he was actually surprised. He knew it was coming.

“Three fractured ribs, multiple internal contusions. Hairline fracture in your right tibia. There doesn’t seem to be any internal bleeding from the pounding you took, but we’d like to keep an eye on you.” Fay just looked at him.

“Wait.” Panic etched Eggsy’s heart rate up a bit. “You want me to stay here?” He didn’t want to stay there, not in the sterile, unfamiliar medical room. It felt cold, and it was the last thing Eggsy needed, was to be alone with his thoughts. He didn’t want to think.

“Yes,” Fay said simply. “And you’ll be off field duty at least six weeks, probably closer to eight, to allow both your ribs and your leg to heal and then add in some time to get field-ready again.” Her eyes narrowed. “You’re not allowed near the gym or any sort of training facility until you’re cleared, you hear me?”

Eggsy grumbled under his breath. Apparently his reputation as a shitty patient proceeded him. Not that he’d been an arse during training, not really. Well, sort of. He just didn’t like being fussed over. If he could bandage himself up in his room, he did that instead. It was simpler that way. “Don’t I need a boot or somethin’?” He gestured to his leg.

“As long as you stay off it, no.” Her eyebrows raised in clear warning.

“Look.” Eggsy exhaled, ignoring the thought of any sort of boots for the moment. “How about I stay in one of the temporary rooms?” He put on his most charming smile. “I can come down, or you could check on me, or…” Anything to get out of the bloody medical center. Something about it got under his skin. Maybe it was that he wasn’t far from where Harry had spent all that time in a coma.

Yeah that wasn’t a road he wanted to go down, not at the moment. Shit.

Fay looked conflicted, so Eggsy kept his hopeful face on. Then she sighed, and he cheered internally. As much as his ribs could handle.

“Wear this.” She reached behind her and picked up some weird, clunky-looking bracelet. Eggsy just arched an eyebrow. “It’s a vitals machine,” she said. “It’ll keep track of how you’re doing, transport the data here so we can watch you.” She paused. “It’s either this or full-time monitoring here,” she said flatly. “And you’re to report for a check-over every day for the first two weeks.”

“Yes ma’am.” Eggsy took the bracelet thing, carefully clasped it over his left wrist and fumbled to tighten the strap. Fay had to help, something that should have bothered him but didn’t. He was just thrilled to be getting out of the medical center, even if…

Shit. Benched for six to eight weeks? That was almost two months. All the other Knights were going to be pulling double-duty, to make up for their losses, and Eggsy...had nothing. Maybe he’d go to Merlin, beg to do...something, anything. Anything was better than just laying there, staring at the ceiling. He’d seen Harry do paperwork, maybe that was something he could help with.

“Anything else?” Eggsy kept his charming smile on.

Fay studied him for a moment, and he could see the humor lurking in her eyes. His charm offense was useful for something, at least. “Take it easy,” she instructed. “If your vitals go off, we’ll summon you here, no questions asked.”

So avoid sex or masturbating while wearing it, check. He didn’t say that bit out loud. “Ta.” She stepped back to let him stand. He did so carefully, ensuring that he didn’t have to grab onto anything to stay upright. He was shakier than he preferred, but given the extent of the damage Fay had detailed, he was grateful they were letting him out at all. How had so much gone wrong in his fight with Valentine? He’d done a good job. But adrenaline had a way of hiding things.

He left the medical unit behind him, getting back in the tube and taking it back to the main HQs. He let his mind wander for a while. He didn’t want to go to the quarters to sleep, not yet. There was a restless energy underneath his skin, a buzzing, humming that made the thought of sitting still almost impossible, much less trying to sleep.

“Eggsy?” Merlin’s voice caught him off guard.

Eggsy blinked himself back to awareness, realizing he’d wandered his way to Merlin’s lab without realizing it. It was his smaller lab, the one Merlin had to himself, with a huge, high-tech computer display near the door and a large camp bed on the far side. There were doors that led to others rooms, where the other Handlers worked and where the other support staff could be found, but this was Merlin’s domain.

Eggsy blinked again. He hadn’t really expected to see Merlin, not so soon after -- what had happened. Much less to find him there. Merlin had mentioned something about emergency protocols, about taking the Arthur role. He’d expected to see him in the dining room, or something. Or maybe he hadn’t, and his gut was more intelligent than his brain was. Given how tired he was, he wasn’t really surprised at that possibility.

“You okay, lad?” Merlin’s gaze flickered to the computer, a crease forming between his brows. “I got the report from medical --”

“Yeah.” Eggsy exhaled slowly, stepping in. Merlin studied him for a few seconds, then reached out and pushed a button that caused the door to hiss shut.

Merlin tapped a few keys and the screens greyed out, going on standby. He nodded to the camp bed. “Sit.”

Eggsy did so almost without thinking, wincing as he sank down onto the camp bed. It was softer than he’d expected, almost as nice as a real bed, even if his ribs were complaining.

“I’m surprised they let you out of medical,” Merlin said, his gaze flickering between Eggsy’s face and the bracelet on his wrist as he scooted closer in his chair. He stayed half a metre away, something Eggsy was grateful for. He wasn’t certain what he would have done or said if Merlin had gotten closer.

Part of him wanted a _cuddle_ and wasn’t that fucking ridiculous. Neither the time nor the place. Besides, Merlin had better things to do. But it didn’t stop him from wanting.

“Can’t sleep?” Merlin’s voice was soft and soothing, something warm to it that wrapped around Eggsy like a blanket.

Eggsy let out a shuddering breath, wincing at the way it set off the sharp pain in his chest. Fucking ribs. Who needed them, anyway? He was going to have a stern word with the tailor about the whole “bulletproof suit” advertisement, because obviously they weren’t bulletproof enough. “Yeah.” His mind wouldn’t shut off, racing this way and that, and the energy underneath his skin was more than enough to keep him from settling down.

He was also afraid what he would see when he closed his eyes. The sleep so far had been dreamless, but there had been so little of it that he was wary to judge based on that. Nightmares had been more of a problem, the first few years with Dean, and that had been nothing compared to this.

“I’m benched for at least six weeks,” Eggsy said, the words tasting bitter on his tongue. Merlin made a knowing noise, but didn’t speak. Eggsy lifted his eyes to meet his. “Give me something to do.”

The crease formed between Merlin’s brow, and part of Eggsy wanted to kiss it away.

Eggsy was shaking his head by the time Merlin opened his mouth, so Merlin stopped. “Nothing physical. I know why I’m benched.” He waved a hand at the lab, at the files he could see piling up on Merlin’s desk. “But I can do paperwork, or somethin’.” He shrugged helplessly, ignoring the hiss of pain. “I’ve got the security clearance.”

Merlin studied him, his face the unreadable version Eggsy had gotten so used to during training. Part of him liked it, not knowing what he was thinking. Wondering, anticipating, what Merlin was going to do, looking for the smallest tells. It was oddly thrilling, in more ways than one. “We’ll see.”

That wasn’t a no, and with Merlin, that was as close to a yes as he was going to get. “Thanks, bruv.”

Merlin’s eyebrow arched up, but Eggsy just grinned at him. Merlin rolled his eyes, but they were fond now, and he nodded to the cot. “Get some sleep.”

Eggsy hesitated, and Merlin paused to look at him, his legs shifting as if he was prepared to roll himself back to his desk.

“Would music help?” Merlin asked.

Eggsy let out a breath he hadn’t been aware he was holding, and nodded. Slowly, achingly he settled down on the cot, letting out a slow breath as he settled on his back, focusing on the ceiling. It wasn’t his optimal sleeping position, but given how sore he was he doubted he had an option.

A soft, comforting sort of classical music started weaving its way through the room, and Eggsy flickered his gaze over to Merlin, who was sitting at his desk, even though he was facing Eggsy. It wasn’t the music he’d been expecting, not at all, but there was something about the comforting instrumental that helped the tension seep from his muscles.

“You’re the Guv’nor,” Eggsy murmured, his eyelids suddenly drowsy. He heard a quiet noise as Merlin stood, recognized the sounds his shoes made as he came closer. Eggsy managed to pry an eye halfway open, saw Merlin standing there, looking at him with something unreadable in his face. It was an expression Eggsy tried to memorize, if only so he could think about it later, because his brain really wasn’t working right at the moment.

“Sleep, Eggsy.” Merlin’s words were puffs of air on his cheek, and to Eggsy’s surprise, Merlin put a finger on his chin, looking at him with a question in his eyes.

This, at least, Eggsy could read. He nodded as best he could, as tired as he was. Then Merlin kissed him, soft and chaste, just gentle flutters of lips against lips. It sent a pleasant heat flooding through Eggsy, turned the rest of his body to limp noodles as he relaxed against the cot, even as Merlin stood back up and went back to his desk.

Slowly Eggsy fell asleep, lured by the classical music and the reassuring sound of Merlin’s voice and his fingers on the keyboard.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the comments. :) I'd forgotten how much I missed writing fanfic and more importantly, missed the community around it. Hope you like this chapter!

Once Eggsy’s breathing evened out, became the slow unconsciousness of sleep, Merlin stopped what he was doing and turned around, his eyes focusing on where Eggsy was sleeping on the camp bed.

_ Shit, _ was what he wanted to say.  _ Shit, shit, shit _ . What the fuck was he thinking. Once had been bad enough, yet he continued to encourage the farce.

Not that it was  _ entirely _ a farce, but he wasn’t going to be that kind to himself. The lad was the last thing, the last  _ reminder _ , he had of Harry. Casual relationship, Merlin’s arse. But he had never called Harry on it. One of many things Merlin had on his list of regrets.

Merlin would have run his hand through his hair if he had any. Instead he settled for fingers to his forehead, turning his gaze away from Eggsy and back to his work.

There was a crackle in his headset, drawing his attention. Glancing back at the sleeping Eggsy, he stood, unlocking the door to another workroom and entering it. He half-closed the door behind him, leaving it open enough that he could hear if Eggsy stirred but closed enough that Eggsy couldn’t hear. Or be disturbed. Whatever variation felt right at the time.

There was that crackle again. He tapped the frame of his glasses impatiently, waiting for the line to connect. But there was nothing.

“Merlin?” Lyonesse’s voice finally rang through.

“Yes?” Maybe the connection was spotty; the tech was acting weird given the state of the Kingsmen facilities. Still, he was grateful for the distraction. The last thing he needed was time to ponder  _ feelings _ , or anything so asinine. Yet he was still looking after Eggsy, ensuring he got sleep. He was even accepting his offer of help. Had he gotten soft in his old age?

He snorted mirthlessly, realized he was still on the line, and dragged his mind away. “Did you need something?” Merlin asked patiently. Lyonesse was certainly still grieving, and still getting the hang of things, but he hadn’t slept in over 24 hours and didn’t plan to for at least another 16. Patience was going to be in short supply going forward.

“Gawain is due back in the country tomorrow, Sir.”

Merlin waited less patiently. He was certain he was supposed to know why that was important, but between his new responsibilities as temporary-Arthur and the lack of sleep, his head was fit to burst already.

“His Handler’s on the list, Sir.” Lyonesse sounded tentative.

Shit. Merlin rubbed his forehead, then leaned back in the chair. “Who is on tomorrow?”

There was some scuffling as she checked the paperwork. “Morvydd, myself, and Morgan.”

“That’s it?” Merlin raised an eyebrow.

“Those are our qualified Handlers, Sir.” Lyonesse’s voice trembled the smallest amount.

For like the umpteenth time that morning, Merlin muttered “Shit”. “Add tech candidacy to the to-do list,” he said. He’d start by looking in the Knight candidates. If they got lucky, they’d find a good Handler or two out of them.

“Noted, Sir.” He could hear the sound of her keyboard clicking. “I saw that Galahad has been benched by medical?”

There was something weird, something wrong, about hearing Galahad and knowing it wasn’t Harry. But he had done that, he’d made that decision. It was the least he could do for Harry, much less for Eggsy. “Yes.” He didn’t say anything else. She’d seen the details if she knew that much; besides, it wasn’t up to either of them. Medical made that final call.

“Morgana is on the line.” Lyonesse’s voice firmed up, and Merlin narrowed his eyes slightly.

“Patch her in.” He pressed the side of his frames. Morgana’s holographic image popped up, standing near the far side of the room.

“Hello, Merlin.” Morgana’s voice was tired, and absently Merlin wondered when she had slept last. Probably the same time Merlin had. Days ago.

“Any news?” He didn’t let his eyes flicker to Eggsy, still asleep on the camp bed. She couldn’t see him from there, and he planned to keep it that way.

“No.” Morgana’s shoulders slumped forward. Merlin rubbed his fingers over his forehead. Of fucking course.

“Shit,” Merlin muttered for the umpteenth time. “Then why did you call?”

“We’ve checked the safe houses, there’s nothing.” She looked pained, now. “There was evidence that something had been removed from one - supplies, that sort of thing - but given the dust on the house, it could have happened months ago.”

“So we have no idea if Harry took them?” Merlin pinched the bridge of his nose. “Thanks. Keep looking, Morgana.”

She nodded, then her image flickered out.

Merlin stared at the far wall for a few moments, trying to sort out what exactly was going on. Besides, well, everything. He was now the acting Arthur. Harry was maybe not-dead, and Merlin had given his position away. Eventually they would need a proper Arthur, but that was something he could address later. Eggsy was benched, with no uncertainty. He was an absolute last case.

Standing, Merlin moved back to the original room, sparing a glance for Eggsy on the camp bed. He was still asleep. His face was softer in sleep, the tension lines and blue-ish bruises underneath his eyes fading. His mouth was open and he was snoring softly, something that caused an annoying flicker of affection in Merlin’s middle. He deliberately turned himself away from Eggsy and sat back at his desk. If Morgana couldn’t find anything about Harry, he would.

He started by pulling up the copies of the medical files she’d sent him. John Doe, late 40s early 50s, bullet wound to the left temple. Deep graze, minimal damage to the skull. A hematoma, but something that was easily drained and taken care of. Overall, he’d been fucking lucky. Even if they did have to shave part of his hair off.

The corner of Merlin’s lips quirked up in a grin. Harry was going to be  _ pissed _ .

There was a list of the medications they’d used, time administered and vitals taken. Overall he looked - relatively stable. Merlin made a note to thank the R&D department for their work on the bulletproof glasses. They’d very likely saved Harry’s life. Maybe he’d send them wine. Or tequila. God knew they needed it.

An image of Harry, bandaged and head partially shaved, popped up. Morgana had grabbed it off the security cameras in the hospital when Harry had been moved to surgery, had added it to the file she sent his way. Merlin considered the image, trying to decide what he felt.

Worry? Sort of. Fond amusement? For sure. Anger? Some. After all, Harry had fled and hadn’t tried to contact them. But it was possible he didn’t remember. Merlin wasn’t certain what scared him more.

He couldn’t ignore the small, undignified flip his stomach did. Harry was  _ alive _ . His whatever-he-was, whatever-they-had-been or could be, it wasn’t gone anymore. Not that he had any illusion things would go back to normal, whatever normal had been. They didn’t really have a normal. Where did Eggsy fit in there? Merlin touched his thumb to his lip, thinking. Eggsy did, Merlin knew that for sure. Merlin just wasn’t sure where.

“Wha…?” Eggsy’s voice caught him off guard, and Merlin’s hands flew over the keys to minimize the file. But it was too late. Eggsy was standing right behind him, something twisted on his face that Merlin couldn’t interpret.

Merlin turned to face him, his expression as impassive as ever. “Aye?”

Eggsy turned to look at him, and this time Merlin could see the fear and anger and something else glittering in his moss-green eyes. “That was Harry.” There was disbelief in his voice. Surprise.

Merlin stayed silent.

“That was Harry, wasn’t it?” Eggsy’s eyes were too wide, too manic. Merlin could practically see the adrenaline fueling him after the short nap. What had woken him?

Merlin stood on a precipice, torn between two options. He and Eggsy had been through quite a lot, saving the world. He owed the lad. “Yes.”

It was like Eggsy’s strings had been cut, like he was a puppet who had been set free, and he collapsed back onto the camp bed, elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Something akin to a choked sob escaped him, his shoulders shaking in a way that the doctor in Merlin noted couldn’t be good for his ribs.

“Fuck,” Eggsy said through his teeth. “Fuck.  _ Fuck! _ ” The words echoed loudly throughout Merlin’s small lab, ringing in his ears.

“Aye,” Merlin said mildly. He could only guess at Eggsy’s exact feelings, but he could certainly understand the sentiment.

“When did you find out about this?” Eggsy’s voice was strained.

“Before you went to sleep.” Merlin kept it simple, kept it the truth. It was easier than getting mixed up in the lies, especially considering he was running on so little sleep.

“And you didn’t tell me?” Hurt flashed in his eyes.

“I did not,” Merlin admitted easily.

“Why?” Eggsy looked away, then looked back at Merlin. His hands had balled into fists at his side, his shoulders were hunched. It was like he was sinking into himself, making himself smaller. Saving himself from the pain.

Merlin didn’t answer, not at first. It was hard to say something when he didn’t exactly know the answer. “We don’t know where he is,” he said evenly. He studied Eggsy for a few seconds, watched the emotions flicker over his face. Merlin readjusted his glasses out of habit, giving himself something to do with his hands. “He left the hospital, and hasn’t been seen since.”

“But you’ve got people looking for him, yeah?” Eggsy took a deep breath, as if he was calming himself down.

Merlin studied him. “Of course.”

Eggsy sat there for a few moments, his breathing leading to a wince every time he took a deep inhale. His ribs. “He…” The words trailed off, and Eggsy wasn’t looking at him. “He hasn’t contacted you?”

Merlin shook his head, but inside his mind was whirling. Did Eggsy know about him and Harry? Most likely not. It wasn’t that they were discreet, it just wasn’t something that was flaunted anywhere. Not something they ever talked about at headquarters.

Eggsy was staring at the ground, now. Not that Merlin could blame him. Merlin watched his adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “You’ll tell me the moment you hear anything.” It wasn’t a question.

“Aye.” It wasn’t entirely a lie. He would, eventually. But there were things Eggsy couldn’t be part of, things his clearance didn’t reach. For Merlin it wasn’t just Eggsy or Harry he was worried about. It was the whole future of Kingsman.

Abruptly Eggsy stood and headed out Merlin’s door, closing it behind him. Merlin watched him go. He turned back to his work, but activated the GPS on Eggsy’s glasses in the corner of a screen. That way he could watch him, see where he was. Keep track of him.

It was the least he could do, but whether it was for Harry’s sake or his own, Merlin didn’t know.

**

“JB!” Eggsy cooed more than he expected, when he saw the pug sitting on Roxy’s - Eggsy’s - whoever’s bedspread. Roxy had been sent off somewhere else, before she could do much of anything. But her jumpsuit and halo suit were hanging near the wardrobe, and he could see her toiletries haphazardly shoved into the bathroom.

The pug huffed excitedly, turning in circles and snuffling. Eggsy scooped him up, pressing a kiss to his head. His mind was spinning so fast that he wasn’t entirely certain what to think. Harry was  _ alive _ . Alive enough to leave the hospital, at the very least, from what he’d read over Merlin’s shoulder. Merlin must have been exhausted, given how long it took him to notice Eggsy was there.

Not that Eggsy was much better. His ribs hurt like hell, his leg twinged every so often, and his brain was like fuzzy cotton, but he didn’t want to close his eyes. Every time he did he saw the flashes of fireworks, like the head explosions, or heard the clattering of machine guns.

He could feel his heart rate spiking, so he cuddled JB closer, enduring the exuberant kisses. “I’ve missed you,” Eggsy cooed, and JB whoofed in response. JB at least was predictable. He would be happy no matter what, as long as Eggsy fed him and loved him.

Ignoring the way his ribs creaked, he sat down on the side of the bed, letting JB go. JB turned in a few circles, then went and sat on the pillow. Eggsy arched an eyebrow at him, and JB’s tail wagged. Of course.

It was hard, in a way, seeing JB’s eyes when all he could think about was how many people he’d killed.

_ Sitting in the chair, gun in hand. Leveling it at JB’s face, as he sat there, looking at Eggsy with those eyes. The ever-trusting, ever-loving, eyes. The fact that JB would love him no matter what. _

Eggsy swallowed thickly, ignoring the pain it caused. He wanted to throw something, he wanted to scream or cry or do  _ something _ to get the energy out of him. But he could barely move. “Stay here,” he said softly. JB whuffed and laid down on the pillow. Eggsy rolled his eyes, but didn’t tell him to move. JB was spoiled, and Eggsy loved him.

He headed into the bathroom, shedding his clothes with slow, jerky movements. He’d tried a shower, and almost fell over. Maybe a bath would be better. He reached down and turned the tap on, adjusting it until it was almost uncomfortably hot. The Kingsman tubs were huge, more than enough for him to be fully submerged, with a convenient drain that made it easy to refill with more hot water as needed.

It more effort than he wanted to admit to step into the tub and ease himself down, especially on his bad leg. The warm, almost-too-hot water felt amazing, and he let himself lean back against the tub, feeling his body float, effortless. Maybe the Kingsman folks who had designed the room had been smarter than he’d expected, planning for such a thing, since there was a slight notch in the tub that was just big enough for his head, lifting it slightly out of the water so he could float without the risk of drowning.

He felt almost weightless, his body buoyed in the water. Eventually he would have to wash, clean himself off, but it wasn’t something he wanted to do immediately. Instead he closed his eyes, letting the tension seep from his muscles. He let his mind go blank, not thinking about anything.

Or trying to. Yet his mind wandered. The feeling of Merlin’s lips on his. The concern in his gaze. Merlin crowing in his ear after he’d set off the implants, the feelings of relief mingled with guilt as he stepped out from behind the place that had shielded him from the soldiers, suddenly surrounded by dead bodies, blood everywhere. He inhaled sharply, setting off a spike of pain in his chest.

His ribs. Fuck.

Anger coursed through Eggsy, and he hated that he couldn’t do even the simplest things, like take a bath or try to relax without  _ remembering _ . The only time he’d slept, even a little bit, without dreams, was in Merlin’s office. And even then, he’d woken up to see Harry’s photo on the screen.

His gut twisted, his mouth soured, and he sat up, ignoring the cringe in his body as he washed himself as fast as he could. His muscles burned, his ribs screamed. The soak had done little good, but he didn’t care. All he wanted was to get  _ somewhere _ , anywhere, that wasn’t here. Wasn’t where he was surrounded by reminders.

A half-choked sob escaped him without him realizing it, and he stood, draining the tub without a second thought. He grabbed a fluffy towel, wrapped it around him, and draped another one over his shoulders. Harry. Was Harry alive? Was Harry half-dead somewhere, waiting to be found? No matter what Merlin had said, no matter how much they had been through, Eggsy would have bet he was hiding something. His face was inscrutable, as it had always been, but there’d been something in his eyes, a twist to his lips that indicated hesitation.

He was hiding something. But Eggsy wasn’t entirely certain he cared to find out what it was. He sank onto his bed, ignoring the pain, ignoring the fact that he was dressed just in a towel, that water was no doubt seeping through the towel, dripping down his back, getting the duvet wet. His breath was coming faster, shallowly, and the pain eased, even as his mind spun.

His fingers convulsed, gripping the duvet tighter, and he hunched over as best as his ribs allowed, closing his eyes. He wasn’t certain whether he was trying to breathe faster or slower. Every deep breath sent pain throbbing through his abdomen, but every shallow breath made his head spin, made the world seem less real, more like a dream world.

There was a beep and he opened his eyes, looking blankly down at the black band on his wrist. Apparently it was waterproof; he hadn’t even thought about it before getting into the tub. A testament of how exhausted he was. The beep was orange, now, the small light flashing at him insistently. It probably meant something, probably meant he was to go to medical.

His phone vibrated, and he twisted to look at it, a sharp jab of pain causing his breath to hiss out between his teeth. He felt like screaming, felt like crying, but he ruthlessly stamped it back down and picked up the phone. His whole body felt like it was on edge, like he was about to snap and do something he regretted.

_Come to medical._ _F_

F for Fay. Eggsy threw his phone onto the dresser, ignoring the crashing sound and the way it sent some of Roxy’s belongings scattering. He could replace those later. It was easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. Feeling around the black bracelet thing, he found where it clasped and pulled at it, hissing as the pain seized him, but pulling harder and harder until it finally snapped off. He threw that away, too. Somewhere to the other side of the room, somewhere it wouldn’t bother him. He couldn’t see the flashing orange light.

He let out a choked sob, wanting desperately to put his head in his hands, hampered by the ribs that were fucking up everything, the bruises that dotted his torso and body and just. Fuck Valentine, fuck Merlin, fuck Harry. Fuck  _ everyone _ . He couldn’t catch his breath, and his body felt light and flighty, like he was going to pass out at any moment.

There was a knock on the door, and for just a second, his heart lurched in his throat. He wanted so badly for it to be Merlin. But he didn’t want it to be Merlin. Even though he did.

Who needed feelings.

The door hissed open before he could say anything, and his head jerked up. His breath was still too rapid, his hands gripping the duvet tightly. It was Fay who walked in, and the door hissed shut behind her. He could see her out of the corner of his eyes. Tall, slender, brown hair with gray at the temples. Her eyes were kind. She’d obviously been doing this for a long time. She was dressed in business casual, a white coat over it.

Obviously fresh from the medical lab.

He could see her eyes sweep the room, take note of the phone on the dresser, the objects on the floor. The black bracelet on the floor. He took shuddering breaths, still light-headed. He closed his eyes, tried to slow his breathing, to take a deep breath, even if it hurt.

“What happened?” Fay asked softly.

Eggsy didn’t say anything, just listened as she stepped closer and then sank to her knees, starting to take his vitals. He was grateful she didn’t put that blasted bracelet back on. He didn’t know why, but it was too much.

He felt her hands on his leg, the one with the hairline fracture, and jerked and hissed when she palpated where the break must be. In the wake of his ribs, the fracture hadn’t been noticeable, but the pain was searing now. His teeth were gritted together so hard it hurt. But he didn’t speak.

She let out a sigh, then seemed to resign herself. He let himself relax as she lifted his arms, tested his range of motion, but he didn’t look at her. She gained absolutely nothing from harming him, and he gained nothing from harming her.

“I have half a mind to return you to the infirmary,” she said, her voice rough. This time Eggsy did meet her eyes. They were a dark sort of blue, almost like the sky before a storm. He could see her worry there, her compassion.

“Wouldn’t go,” Eggsy got out. His breathing had started to slow some, although whether it was from the distraction of the medical examination or something else, he didn’t know.

“I know.” There was a wry twist to her lips. She sighed. “We have to be able to monitor your vitals. The X-rays showed a proper break on two of your ribs. If you puncture your lungs, we need to know.”

Eggsy looked at the vital machine, small and inconspicuous laying on the floor. “I don’t want to wear it.” He didn’t know why. It was stupid that something bothered him so much, that it made his skin crawl, but maybe he was exerting what little control he had left.

“I figured.” Fay turned to the kit, and Eggsy’s eyes followed, curious. She pulled out a small patch, almost like something used to take an EKG. “This is a prototype of a small vitals tracker.” She turned it over, showing him the small dot on top. “Works with your body heat, is placed over your heart and transmits everything we need back to us. It’s waterproof, too.” She held it out to him.

He picked it up, turning it over in his hands. It felt lightweight, unobtrusive. He nodded. “Okay.”

Fay gestured for him to remove his shirt, and Eggsy lifted it as high as he could, careful of his ribs. “May I?”

Eggsy nodded. She lifted the hem up a bit higher, exposing his pectorals, and then placed the tracker, sticky-side-down, over his heart. It was thin as a sheet of paper, and it melted almost into his skin. Carefully, slowly, he smoothed a hand over it, surprised to feel that he could barely find the edges.

Fay pulled something out of her pocket. A phone, it looked like, but it was slightly bigger. Not big enough to be a tablet. Her gaze was on it, and she nodded that he could put the shirt down.

He smoothed his fingers over it one more time, then he turned to look at Fay when he heard a ping.

She showed the tablet to him. There was his photo on the top left, and it was surrounded by what looked like a heart rate monitor, oxygen, blood pressure, and anything else she’d probably need to know. There was compassion in her eyes, something he didn’t want to see but was too tired to push away. “There’s someone to talk to, if you need them.”

“Ta,” Eggsy said, but he didn’t look at her. “Anything else?”

She stood with a sigh. “No.”

Eggsy nodded once, his gaze down on the floor. He heard her leave, heard the door shut behind her, the lock clicking into place. Who all had access to this room? Was it safe?

His phone beeped, from its location on the floor. His heart skipped a beat and he stared at it, uncertain. It beeped again, a softer tone this time.

Reluctantly, he picked it up. Giving it a chance. There was a new message.

_ I let her in. -M _

Something uncomfortable, something warm, blossomed in Eggsy’s chest. Merlin was still monitoring him. It meant Fay didn’t have access to his room, that Merlin had been there. But why hadn’t Merlin come in to say hi?

He was busy, after all. He had a lot to do.

Eggsy looked at the bed, contemplated sleep. Shook the idea right out of his head. The last thing he wanted to do was dream. Instead he went to the small kitchenette and started a coffee maker. Caffeine would keep him going for a while, and when he crashed, hopefully it would be dreamless.

He filled up a thermos mug with the strongest coffee he could tolerate, added a splash of sugar and milk. It looked odd, given his more casual attire, but he didn’t care. He was technically off work.

What had the second ping been? He frowned down at the phone, surprised when another application opened. It didn’t have an icon, but it was a map of - part of Headquarters? His brows knit together. There was a small dot, flashing, with a bit of text that said “ _ Galahad’s office _ ”. He swallowed thickly.

_ It’s yours now. -M _

The message popped up on his screen, apparently triggered by him accessing the map. Eggsy swallowed thickly, let himself take a long swig of the too-hot coffee. It burned as it went down, but he didn’t care.

He looked down at the t-shirt he had on. It wasn’t really the best way to meet the other Kingsmen, but he was on medical leave and didn’t really give a shit. He pulled on a pair of workout pants, completing his sort of bum look. He didn’t give a fuck what the other Knights thought. Really, he didn’t.

Thermos of coffee in hand, he let himself out of the room, feet bare on the cool floor. It wasn’t like he planned to run into anyone - he knew all the back routes, had learned them during training. It was easy enough to dart into one of the tech corridors, take it to another main “street”, then cross over a few more times until he hit the office block. He had to be careful, how he walked. He shouldn’t have been walking, not with the fracture in his leg.

But it was either that or be alone with his life, and that was worse than the fracture.

He heard voices, catching him off guard, and darted into a tech office off the small corridor. No one should have been coming that way, and the accents sounded too crisp to be anything but Kingsmen. It was irritating, the way some of them sounded the same.

“I heard the promotion went through,” one said. Lamorak; Eggsy recognized the voice. He’d run into him a few times during training, had met his eyes and said nothing.

“ _ Galahad _ ,” the other voice sneered. “I can’t believe Merlin let someone like  _ that _ into Kingsman.” Disdain dripped from his words. Eggsy didn’t recognize his voice, but the familiarity made him bet it was another Kingsman.

Lamorak laughed; his tone was brittle but Eggsy could hear the anger underneath it. “Harry did always have a fond streak for lost causes.” There was amusement in there, but the way he said it made Eggsy’s stomach roll. He was the lost cause.

“And Merlin had a fondness for Harry.”

Eggsy could practically hear the smirk on the other man’s face, and they shared a laugh before their voices faded. He clenched his hands into fists, nails biting into skin, struggling not to get out there and confront them.

Part of him, the part used to growing up in a world where he couldn’t trust anyone, let unease shiver up under his skin. What if they were right? What if Harry had picked him as a candidate because he felt obligated, because he thought Eggsy was a lost cause? What if that was why Merlin had let him take Harry’s place, even though he’d failed the last test?

His mouth tasted sour. He could feel the indents his nails had dug into his palms, but he didn’t see any blood.

No. He wasn’t going to run and hide. He was a Kingsman now, and he’d saved the bloody world. If the other Knights wanted to be bloody pompous wankers, they could. Eggsy would be professional and focus on his own job.

Once it was silent, he headed down the corridor. He saw one other person, someone he recognized as tech support, and he offered them a smile and a nod as she passed by. She smiled back, nodded her head, then bustled off to wherever she was going.

Harry’s office was in the back, tucked away from the others. It was bigger, too, from what little Eggsy had seen of the Kingsman offices. For all that missions were their primary focus, there was enough paperwork to require each Knight had their own space to do so.

Eggsy stood at the doorway, his ears hyper-alert for the sound of anyone walking by. He didn’t expect to encounter anyone else, hadn’t expected Lamorak and whoever-that-was to even be in the office. Were they up to something? Maybe he needed to talk to Merlin.

He set his shoulders, gritted his teeth, and carefully touched his thumb to the small pad by the office. Part of him expected nothing to happen, but the door hissed open. He stepped inside, letting it close behind him. He wasn’t going to talk to Merlin, he wouldn’t. Eggsy was a grown-up now, he could fight his own battles. He didn’t need Merlin helping him.

Even if he let Merlin be around for other things.

Eggsy turned his attention to the office, to everything Harry had left behind. It was tastefully decorated, primarily cherry oak, the desk polished with a tri-screen computer on top of it. There were a few files on the desk, a few reports that looked like they were waiting for a signature that would never come.

Eggsy felt sick. Had Merlin done that deliberately, leaving the office as it was when Harry - disappeared? He turned his gaze away from the desk, turned to the shelves that lined the upper part of the wall. Some of them were books, a few had other knick-knacks (a medal similar to the one he had given Eggsy, a few glass animals, a long blade, and others), and there was a framed photo. It was of a younger Harry Hart, in probably his early thirties, with his arm around someone who -

Huh. So that’s what Merlin looked like with hair. It was weird.

They were smiling, they looked happy. Eggsy studied the photo, trying to figure out context. But there wasn’t anything. Nothing that gave him a clue on what the photo was from, or why it was important to him.

“It was the day I became Merlin.”

The voice behind him startled Eggsy to the point he turned on his bad leg without thinking, hissing as it aggravated the fracture.

“Sit.” Merlin nodded to the desk chair.

Eggsy studied him for a few moments, then did as he was told. Not because he was told, but because the last thing he wanted was for Fay to come hunt him down and stick a boot on him. Without realizing it, he found his hand on his heart, where the thin patch was monitoring his vitals.

“Are you okay, lad?” Merlin looked at him, his light eyes sharp.

It was strange, how Merlin could make him feel naked without taking any clothes off. Eggsy crossed his arms over his chest, or at least tried to. His ribs made it difficult, so he settled for leaving his hands clasped in his lap. “Yeah.”

Merlin tilted his head and raised an eyebrow. It was eerily similar to the day with the parachute exercise, when Eggsy had confronted him. It was very clearly calling his bullshit.

Eggsy let his attention wander back to the shelves. “You knew him, then?” His eyes flickered from the photo to Merlin, who came over and leaned against the desk on Eggsy’s side. He was so close that Eggsy could feel his body heat through his jumper, and part of him wanted to reach out and grab him, pulling him closer.

“We went through training about the same time,” Merlin said, a fond curve to the side of his lips. “Harry as an agent, a Knight. Me as a handler.” There was something distant to his eyes. “My first title was Dagonet. I worked my way up to Merlin over time.”

Eggsy considered this. They had learned a few things about Kingsman history in training, but not about the history of the individual Knights. “Did you ever want to be a Knight?”

Merlin flickered his eyes away, then back. “No,” he said. “Although I didn’t object to being cross-trained.”

Eggsy made a thoughtful noise. He wasn’t sure what to say, what to do. He felt too warm, like everything was too much.

“Breathe, Eggsy.” Merlin’s voice was soft. “Breathe in, hold for a few seconds. Then out.”

Eggsy let his eyes close, following Merlin’s words. He winced as he inhaled, held it, and exhaled in relief. While it hurt his ribs, he felt some of the tension ease from his shoulders. He was exhausted, his hands were shaking. He looked at Merlin, and  _ really _ looked. Merlin looked as exhausted as Eggsy felt. There were the bluish-purple marks underneath his eyes, creases on his face that hadn’t been there before. He was a bit too pale, and there was a tired slope to his shoulders.

“I don’t want to close my eyes.” Eggsy didn’t look at him anymore. Instead he looked at the desk, letting one of his hands trace a dent in the desk.

Merlin’s hand settled on his shoulder, warm and encouraging.

“Every time I close my eyes I see them.” His voice caught. “I dream of that bunker.” Tears prickled at the corner of his eyes, and he fought them down. “Fuck.” He inhaled sharply. He was stronger than that, stronger than whatever had happened.

“Come with me.” Merlin straightened up, extended a hand to Eggsy.

Eggsy stood there, looked at him. Looked at the hand, then back at Merlin. Eggsy nodded, then stood, even though he didn’t take Merlin’s hand.

Merlin left the office, and Eggsy followed.

Later, when they laid in a bed in a small room off of Merlin’s main office, Eggsy the little spoon, he finally let his eyes close, and let himself drift off, hearing Merlin’s steady, deep breathing behind him lulling him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a chance Harry will be back next chapter, I'm not 100% sure yet, but if he's not in the next one he'll be in chapter 5. So we're inching our way towards figuring out the Merhartwin dynamic...
> 
> Once they get through their drama. ;)


	4. Chapter 4

It was easy enough to fall into a routine, after that. It wasn’t anything they talked about. Eggsy was there when Merlin woke up and there when he slept. He spent most of his day in Merlin’s office or nearby, handling paperwork, handler requests - anything and everything that didn’t need Merlin’s attention, Eggsy took care of.

Gratefulness and something darker warred in Merlin over the whole thing. It was nice to actually be able to sleep every once in a while, to not run until he was passed out on his desk (the third time was embarrassing enough), but he couldn’t place why it bothered him. He didn’t need Eggsy to take care of him. To help him.

Not that it stopped him from letting Eggsy into his bed, whether it was in his main office or somewhere else. Sometimes they ended up in Eggsy’s room, which he’d officially taken over from Roxy. Sometimes they fucked until neither could speak, feelings and thoughts exchanged in touches and kisses. Sometimes they just slept. Or at least Eggsy did. Most of the time Merlin just stared at the ceiling, wondering exactly what the fuck he’d done to land himself where he was, but unable to pull away from Eggsy draped over his chest.

It took them two months to scrounge together enough candidates for a class. They were told one open position, but since there were other replacements needed, Merlin wasn’t entirely against a multiple promotion. He watched from behind the window as they started milling around the body bags.

There were fewer than usual, given how few Knights there were. And Roxy and Eggsy weren’t able to propose someone for their first two years in Kingsman. Instead, a few of the senior handlers from Merlin’s department had suggested three candidates in addition to the four from the Knights.

It was interesting, how different this bunch was from Eggsy’s. Yes, there were the typical wankers, the ones hand-picked by Arthur’s favorites. The ones that were still alive, anyway. But there were others, too. A young woman named Ari who’d come from a council estate not far from Eggsy’s. A young man from Nottingham named Peter. Both were quieter than Eggsy had been, but Merlin recognized the watchfulness in their eyes. Even the posh wankers were quieter.

Maybe some of them had learned their lesson, with the whole head explosion thing. Merlin tamped down a feeling of satisfaction. He didn’t get his jollies off killing people, no. But he’d saved Eggsy and the world that day. That he was proud of.

Merlin sank into his chair, leaving the recruits to Lancelot as he finished up some of the paperwork Eggsy had sorted for him. That was another tradition for the newer Kingsmen - helping whip the next group into shape. It was a sort of guided mentorship, but also a way for the recruits to see just how far they’d come.

The fact that he got to see Eggsy parading around with that cocky smile on his face was absolutely besides the point. Totally wasn’t intentional. Nope. He didn’t like when Eggsy looked over him and the smirk got even bigger, nope.

Yeah he was screwed.

Merlin sank into his chair, flipping through the latest medical report. Eggsy’s ribs were healing nicely, and it was expected that he would be able to begin physical therapy on his leg early the next week. Merlin didn’t roll his eyes at that, even though it was a close thing.

It had taken a week of Eggsy acting like a normal person without a fractured leg before Fay had dropped by Merlin’s office with a boot and a threat that if Eggsy didn’t wear it, he’d be benched for six months. Eggsy had meekly put the boot on. Merlin had laughed.

Merlin pulled up the feed of the recruits. Eggsy - Galahad - and Lancelot were supervising their run, puppies with them. They were quite the rambunctious bunch - the puppies, not the recruits. Eggsy had been allowed to pick the pups, and for the millionth time Merlin wondered if he’d made a mistake. But the resulting grin from Eggsy had been more than worth it.

It didn’t help Merlin’s credit when he stumbled over Eggsy’s codename in front of the recruits. Galahad felt so foreign on his tongue, to the point he almost regretted giving Eggsy the name. Especially with Harry in the wind. But he stamped that back down. Eggsy was Galahad now, and he had more than earned that position. Merlin was just...going to have to get over it.

“Oi!” Merlin heard Eggsy yell through the comm unit. Merlin looked up, eyebrows raised. Eggsy was stomping towards a candidate (one of the wankers, Merlin noted with pleasure), clearly angry. “You don’t treat a dog that way, bruv.”

The wanker bristled.

Merlin ignored the flush of pride as Eggsy laid into him, but in the proper, gentlemanly way where the recruit wanted to dig his own grave the moment Eggsy turned away. Hell, Merlin would offer him the shovel. He had never really understood the old Arthur’s predisposition for private school idjits.

He tuned out the trainees and turned back to the mission he was supervising. Percival was heading into one of Valentine’s remaining bunkers, pistol held carefully in his hand. Each of the Kingsman were assigned specialties after their first six months of service, two to three areas they were trained specifically in. Percival had long excelled in stealth and infiltration.

Absently he wondered what Eggsy’s specialties would be. Roxy’s. He pressed a hand to his forehead, using the other one to press a button on the microphone in front of him. “Take a right here,” he said. Percival turned, the slightest nod his acknowledgement.

Of the “original” Knights left, Percival was by far the youngest. Gawain and Lamorak were more trouble. Merlin pressed his thumb to his lips, bit the tip of it without thinking. He had heard some rumors, seen inklings, but nothing he had been able to confirm.

But he wasn’t dumb. He knew appointing Eggsy to the Galahad position was going to create some dissent. He just hoped that his long tenure as the Quartermaster (and in his opinion, the person who actually ran things) would help quell it.

He was guiding Percival to the extraction point when he heard the door to his office hiss open, then close. It was strange in a way, how he didn’t even have to look to see who it was. Instead he could tell by the footsteps. The way Eggsy came in, confident and cocky, draping himself into the second chair Merlin now kept in his office for that reason.

“Your watch has a kit for the lock,” Merlin said into the microphone.

Percival nodded his tiny amount, focus on what he was doing.

“He’s boring,” Eggsy said, and Merlin could practically hear him jiggling his leg.

“Not everyone talks quite as much as you do, lad,” Merlin said dryly. To be fair, Eggsy sort of had a point. Percival definitely didn’t have the same propensity for finding trouble that Eggsy did. But Merlin’s heart could only take so much of that. One Eggsy was enough, ta very much.

The silence stretched out between the two of them, but it was a comfortable one. Merlin’s eyes were on the screen, and he could feel Eggsy watching him. It sent a nice, warm spark down Merlin’s spine, which he ignored.

“ETA is two minutes,” Merlin told Percival. Percival nodded. “I’m going to transfer you to Lyonnesse for extraction.” Another nod. Merlin tapped the side of his glasses, opening up a line with his second in command. “Lyonnesse, Percival’s almost to the exit. Transferring him to you for extraction.”

“Roger that, Merlin.” Lyonesse sounded better, something that was oddly reassuring. Time had healed a lot, at least in Merlin’s department. He was certain losing her sister was going to be something she didn’t get over, not really, but she refused to take a vacation and continued looking after the Knights like they were her children.

She and Merlin had that in common.

Merlin kept the feed up, but minimized it, giving it a thumb-nail size image on the far right corner of his screen, just in case. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Lyonnesse, but he wasn’t really ashamed to admit he was an absolute control freak and didn’t like giving up his agent’s missions.

Even if it was to talk to Eggsy, who was sitting sprawled out in the chair, fiddling with his phone.

Eggsy lifted his head, meeting Merlin’s gaze. His eyes crinkled at the corner, something that never failed to make Merlin’s stomach flip.

He was quite irritated by it, his affection for the lad. He wasn’t a teenager, blushing over a crush. He was a grown man, who practically ran a spy agency. There was no need for giddiness or butterflies or anything else.

But Eggsy’s smile had other opinions. Wanker.

Well that wasn’t really the right train of thought to go down where Eggsy was concerned, because now Merlin’s mind was headed in a different direction.

“Something on your mind, bruv?” Eggsy drawled, tilting his head slightly to catch Merlin’s eyes.

Merlin coughed, adjusted his tie underneath the cashmere sweater. Eggsy had settled speaking somewhere between Harry’s accent and his usual chav, a blend that often confused or amused people in turn. “Nae.” He turned back to the computer, although he didn’t have any idea what he would do on it besides pretend to look busy. He didn’t even want to think about how little sleep he had gotten in the past two months.

“Dean’s gettin’ out of jail next week,” Eggsy said, his voice flat.

Merlin turned to look at him, face impassive. He had known Dean was in jail, known he’d gotten in trouble for killing a few people during Vday. Not that it really meant the authorities would hold him for long, not given the circumstances and the number of people they had to arrest. Still, two months was a lot less than Merlin would have expected.

“How are Michelle and Daisy?” Merlin asked politely, tilting his head to the side. Eggsy had been watching his family from afar, even as his ribs and the rest of his body healed.

Eggsy bit his bottom lip, eyes distant. “Mum doesn’t want to leave the flat.”

Merlin didn’t let his eyebrows arch like they wanted to.

Eggsy let out a defeated sigh, something that Merlin didn’t like hearing from him at all. “She says it’s home.” He toyed with his phone again, mouth set in a line that indicated he knew what Michelle was actually saying.

It wasn’t as simple as getting a divorce, Merlin knew. His older sister had briefly ended up with an abusive boyfriend, and it had taken them years before all the strings were cut. Michelle would be dragging them behind her for years, whether Dean was in her life or not.

“Mm,” Merlin said, non-committal.

“Stop that,” Eggsy burst out, anger flaring from both his voice and his posture.

Merlin blinked, turning to face him. “Come again?” His voice was the stern, level one he used with recruits.

Yet Eggsy just rolled his eyes. Merlin could see his teeth gritted together, see the way his hands balled into fists. “I know you’re thinking shit. I know you’ve got opinions about what me mum’s doing.”

“She’s not my mother,” Merlin pointed out rationally. 

“But she’s --”

Eggsy’s words hung between them, and that was when Merlin connected the dots. That was something they hadn’t really talked about, what they were. Merlin had assumed it was a casual thing, or at least told himself that. Then Eggsy had showed up everywhere, and Merlin had gotten used to it. He’d  _ liked _ it.

Surely it went beyond a casual shag when you actually slept with the person in your bed, not just fucked them.

Merlin opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. He watched the storm flash over Eggsy’s face, as he shut down, a sullen twist to his lips. For once, Merlin didn’t know what the fuck to say.

A  _ bzzt _ on his intercom saved him. He tapped the side of his frames, turning his gaze away from Eggsy. “Aye?”

“This is Dagonet, from the shop.” Dagonet’s voice sounded shaken, and Merlin’s hand inched towards the code red setting. It took a lot to shake the tailor, who was a retired Kingsmen.

“Is backup needed?” Merlin asked, seeing Eggsy lean forward slightly in his chair, the storm clearing some.

“There’s someone here claiming to be Harry Hart.”

Merlin leaned back in his chair, stared at the monitors. “Well fuck.”

**

“What is it?” Eggsy crossed his arms, jostling his good leg in an effort to get rid of the excess energy. He would seize any excuse to put the topic of conversation behind them. What had made him say that? Fuckin’ hell. Embarrassment and shame burned through him, hot and mortifying.

He shoved the thoughts behind him.

Merlin stood, stared at the computer screen for a few seconds in silence before he tapped a few keys on his keyboard.

It was a thing of magic, that keyboard. Flat on the board, seemingly projected light, yet Merlin used it no problem.

Then the video stream appeared on the monitor, and Eggsy’s heart stopped.  _ Well fuck _ indeed. Standing there, polite as could be, impeccably dressed, was Harry Hart.

Not waiting for Merlin, Eggsy grabbed the suit jacket he’d thrown somewhere and ran out of the office, heading straight for the tube that would take him back to the shop. Merlin wouldn’t be that far away, but Eggsy wasn’t certain he wanted to talk about Harry or even  _ see _ Harry when Merlin was around.

He had never asked, never confirmed, but he was fairly certain there was something between the two of them. Something that Eggsy would never intrude on. He knew Harry’s return meant the end of whatever he’d been building with Merlin, and he was okay with that. He had already cocked it up on his own; Harry was just finishing the job.

Or he would be fine, after he told himself that a million times.

Eggsy made it onto the tube, ignoring the sound of shoes running after him, and slammed the button to close the door. Merlin’s startled face (a rarity on him, something Eggsy cherished) slid into view just before the doors closed and the tube started moving.

_ Shite _ . Merlin was going to be right pissed, but Eggsy didn’t care. He needed the time alone, the time to gather himself. He sank back into his chair, the seat he almost always took on the tube when it was available, and scrubbed a hand through his hair. His heart was racing, and he noted, detached, that his hands were shaking. That was what nerves did to a person.

He’d known for a while that Harry was alive. That Harry had disappeared from the hospital, that he’d gone somewhere else. He just didn’t know where or why. Why hadn’t he reached out to them? Eggsy’s stomach curdled when he thought of the way they had left things, the fight in Harry’s house after the dog test.

Eggsy clenched his hands into fists. He wasn’t going to apologize for not shooting JB, no matter what Harry said. He wasn’t going to apologize for any of his choices. If Harry wanted to hate him, that was on Harry. Not Eggsy.

The tube started slowing, and Eggsy unclenched his fists, trying to slow his breathing. He knew exactly where he was going, and exactly what he was going to do.

He got out of the tube, heading upstairs through the staircase instead of the fancy, dramatic way Harry always liked to make his entrance. Good for impressing people, bad for getting anywhere fast.

Standing in front of the door, Eggsy took another breath, trying to settle himself. He’d known for a while it was a possibility, but the reality was so much different. He wasn’t sure why it made him so angry. Harry had hid from them for two months. Hid from  _ Eggsy _ , from Merlin, from everyone.

Eggsy had known he was something of an arrogant sod when he wanted to be, but he didn’t think Harry was  _ that _ much of a sanctimonious prick. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe Harry had a valid excuse, maybe there was things they didn’t know. But Eggsy’d learned to trust his instincts, when it came to people. Saved his arse more than once.

He pushed open the door, headed down the stairs. He didn’t care that he was dressed in gymming clothes, casual since he wasn’t fit to return to work proper. Yeah, maybe he would’ve felt better confronting Harry in a suit, but there was time to do that later. It certainly wasn’t going to be the last time he gave Harry an earful.

Standing in the back of the shop, it took him less than a second to catch sight of Harry. Harry, who stood there, dressed in a bespoke suit Eggsy hadn’t seen before, a scar starting at just above his left eye socket and curving upwards towards his temple. Still, his eye was intact. Eggsy wasn’t sure if that made it better or worse.

Eggsy had spent part of the tube ride over thinking of things to say, ways to tear Harry down, to make him answer questions, to...anything. Harry had been the first person to really be in his corner, to look after him. Had Eggsy imagined all of that? Was it an illusion?

“Eggsy?” Harry’s voice caught him off guard, and Eggsy whipped his eyes back from where they’d wandered. Both Harry and Dagonet had turned towards him, although they hadn’t come closer. Eggsy steadied himself, didn’t let himself fall back or do anything to come across as defensive.

Instead he crossed his arms, cocked his head to the side. “Where the fuck’ve you been, bruv?”

There was a wry twist to Harry’s lips, like he was amused and trying not to show it. “Hello, Eggsy.” Harry’s eyes raked over him. It didn’t feel sexual, just assessing. Harry trying to see what he’d missed, without having to ask.

“Got a bit beat up saving the world after you got shot,” Eggsy said, his tone as flippant as he could manage.

Something flashed across Harry’s face too fast for Eggsy to read, but the door opening distracted everyone in the room.

Merlin stood there impassively. A statue. No, Eggsy knew that posture. That expression. That wasn’t impassive Merlin, that was pissed Merlin. Eggsy subtly took a half-step back. It did confirm what he’d been thinking, that there’d been something between Harry and Merlin prior to Harry’s “death”. There wasn’t any reason for Merlin to be quite that mad otherwise.

“Ah, Merlin.” Harry inclined his head slightly.

Merlin crossed his arms over his chest, clipboard clasped in his left hand.

Harry looked between the two of them, Merlin and Eggsy, something furrowing his brow. Eggsy just stared back, not giving any quarter. Whatever Harry was thinking, whatever opinions he had about what he and Merlin had done, he could stuff them. It was none of his business.

Merlin stepped closer, and Eggsy arched an eyebrow. He was silent and deadly. And annoyingly sexy. He didn’t quite want to get this turned on when Harry was in the room. Not that Harry helped that at all.

Bollocks. He was supposed to be mad, remember. And he was.

“Where were you?” Merlin asked.

Out of the corner of his eye, Eggsy registered Dagonet slinking somewhere else, leaving the three of them alone. At least someone was paying attention to Merlin’s attitude, even if Harry wasn’t.

Harry smiled his polite, gentlemanly smile, the one Eggsy knew was fake as a three pound note. “Got a bit sidetracked after I was shot, I’m afraid -”

Merlin stepped closer, raising a hand. Harry went silent. 

Part of Eggsy wanted to turn and run. It was an intimate moment, something he didn’t need to be there for. But there he was, and neither of them seemed to care. Besides, he thought, he was virtuous enough that if one of them killed the other, he’d help hide the body. Maybe. He’d help Merlin, at least. Harry was debatable.

“How long have you been up and about?” Merlin asked, his voice the languid drawl of his Scottish brogue that he used when he was being deceptively calm.

Harry’s gaze flickered to Eggsy, then back to Merlin. Then his face smoothed out, almost blank. “I apologize for not coming back sooner,” he said, as charming as ever. “I felt it necessary to complete my healing outside of -”

“Outside of the best medical care Kingsman could provide?” Eggsy scoffed loudly.

Harry looked at Eggsy, mouth open to reply. Then he closed it, apparently not certain what to say.

Eggsy just held his gaze, leaning against the wall. “Bloody idiot.”

Harry cleared his throat. “I apologize if I worried either of you. I probably should have -”

The sound of Merlin’s palm hitting Harry’s face echoed loudly in the room. Eggsy stood there, stunned, and Harry’s eyes were wide. Merlin was the only one who looked even remotely composed. His face was like a brick wall, the type of face that made Eggsy want to bring him tea and biscuits until he got some sleep or did something to take care of himself.

“You’re to go to medical to get checked over,” Merlin said, his voice remarkably steady. “When that’s done, we’ll debrief you.” His eyes hardened, but Eggsy could see underneath the anger. He was hurt, he was frightened, he was -- vulnerable. Not that Eggsy would slap his mentor, not in this lifetime, but he’d certainly think about it for a while until he felt better.

Harry nodded mutely. He didn’t look at Eggsy.

“Eggsy, you’re to ensure that Harry makes it to medical and doesn’t go off on a joy ride.” Merlin turned to look at him, pinning him with his gaze.

“But --” Eggsy protested.

“No buts,” Merlin said. The edge in his voice made Eggsy back down, although part of him still wanted to pout.

“Fine.” Eggsy nodded, running through the route to medical in his mind. Besides the tube ride, it wasn’t far. He could theoretically drop Harry off, then sprint to Merlin’s office and get him tea within the hour. Maybe some of his favorite biscuits, too. If Merlin wasn’t in his office, he’d find him elsewhere. He’d gotten quite good at that.

Merlin turned on his heel, heading to the stairs and slamming the door behind him.

Harry gestured to Fitting Room 1, a smile on his face that Eggsy couldn’t read. “Shall we?”

Eggsy just looked at him for a few seconds, then he followed.

**

It was like being thrown back in time, standing in Fitting Room 1 with Eggsy. He saw the ghost of his former self, putting a hand on his shoulder.  _ “I see a young man with potential, who’s loyal.” _ But he’d seen the way Eggsy looked at him now, and he wasn’t stupid. He knew disdain, anger, when he saw it.

Yet Eggsy had agreed when Merlin had ordered him to escort Harry. He had watched them, watched their faces, and saw it. Eggsy tracked Merlin just a bit too long, the tick at the edge of his lips giving away his concern. He’d seen it in Merlin, too, the way he would look at Eggsy out of the corner of his eyes as if he was ensuring he was still there.

Not that he was bothered, he reminded himself as they boarded the tube. What Merlin and he had wasn’t exclusive, or particularly special. It was more than okay for Merlin to move on, and establish a partnership with someone else.

His hands gripped the chair of the tube tighter. Especially after the church.

He closed his eyes, forcing his breathing to deepen, ignoring the pain that lanced through his head. It happened every time he thought about the past, but especially that last day. Anything after Eggsy left his house to go to HQ was fuzzy, and trying to sharpen it merely made the pain worse.

But he did remember. He remembered the feeling of shooting those people, of  _ wanting _ to shoot them, to kill, to maim. To leave no one left alive in his wake. In that moment, he wasn’t just a killer, he was a predator. There to take out anyone less than him, whether or not they deserved it.

He swallowed thickly, trying to force his breathing to listen. He didn’t like being out of control, the whole mind thing that his brain had been trying to pull. He was a seasoned spy; it wasn’t the first time he’d killed too many people, or even civilians. But sometimes his mind would flash back, go sit in that church, an endless stream of people coming at him, of hatred burning in his veins until he was killing with no regard for human life.

“Harry?” Eggsy’s voice was cautious.

Harry’s eyes flickered open, and he forced himself to relax his grip on the arm rests. “Yes?” He put on his pleasant smile, knowing it was probably a weak imitation, but looked at Eggsy nonetheless.

“You okay?” There was a caution there, like Eggsy knew something was wrong but wasn’t sure how to press to find out more.

“Just a headache, I’m afraid.” More of his polite smile. He tapped a finger to the scar, hating the lack of sensation.

Eggsy studied him, with the look that told Harry he knew he was bull shite, but he wasn’t going to call him out on it quite yet.

Harry sat in the quiet between them, a glance at the clock telling him they had another agonizing half hour to go. Eggsy was tapping his foot to the ground, fiddling with his phone, tossing it in circles and catching it with one hand.

He wanted to speak, wanted to apologize, wanted to say something, anything, to get the look off of Merlin’s face, off of Eggsy’s. But he wasn’t really sorry, not for what he’d done. He had taken the time to get his strength back, to become something more than a shell of his former self. There was nothing like ignoring the advice of several doctors to get yourself back in shape.

Harry cleared his throat, drawing Eggsy’s attention. Eggsy quirked an eyebrow up at him. Harry’s head was thudding, pulsing like the vein in his forehead, and part of his vision was splotchy. But he didn’t care. It wasn’t important.

“Have you been well?” Harry managed, aware he sounded like the biggest twat in the history of twats. And trust Harry, he’d met them at school.

Eggsy just arched an eyebrow even higher. “Fine, thanks,” he said in the poshest accent he could muster.

Well, Harry did sort of set himself up for that one. “Dagonet mentioned you were responsible for clearing Valentine’s bunker?”

“Merlin helped,” Eggsy said immediately. “So did Lance.”

Harry blinked.

“Lancelot. Roxy,” Eggsy added.

Oh. “She’s a capable young woman,” Harry said, although he wasn’t entirely sure why. Eggsy was giving him a look that indicated Harry was quite daft.

Eggsy did have a point.

“You okay?” Eggsy frowned this time, looking Harry over properly this time.

Harry cleared his throat, looking away. “Yes.”

He wasn’t, but it was beside the point. He wasn’t going to add to Eggsy’s worries. Not that Eggsy cared; Harry had long burned that bridge and he knew it. He wasn’t thrilled with it, not exactly. He was quite fond of Eggsy, and he would be lying through his arse if he said it didn’t hurt.

But he was a gentleman, and like gentlemen did, he could bottle up emotions to where they didn’t bother him so he could be polite and courteous.

They passed the rest of the trip in silence, but Harry could feel Eggsy studying him every so often, as if he was a puzzle that couldn’t quite be figured out. Harry ignored it the best he could, tried to think of nothing, his mind a lake covered in ripples as thoughts came out of nowhere left and right.

Finally the tube slowed to a stop, and Harry stood with a sigh of relief. “You don’t have to accompany me,” he told Eggsy, stopping when he saw Eggsy’s expression.

“Gonna do what Merlin says.” Eggsy shrugged, casual, and then sauntered off in the direction of the Medical unit, clearly waiting for Harry to follow.

Harry did, almost before he was quite aware of what his body was doing. They walked silently, the quiet only broken by staffers who ran into things or dropped things when Harry came into view. Harry couldn’t see him, but he was fairly certain Eggsy was smirking.

They stood in front of Medical, almost at a stand still. Eggsy was watching him and Harry was looking at anything but Eggsy. Harry cleared his throat. “You’ve delivered me here,” he said.

“I have,” Eggsy agreed. His eyes were like lightning. Harry wasn’t sure why.

“Thank you,” Harry said, his best approximation of a dismissal.

The edge of Eggsy’s lip curled up in something that looked like half a smile, half a sneer, and he turned to leave.

“Wait.” Harry spoke without meaning to, and he cursed himself as he tightened a hand into a fist.

Eggsy turned to look at him, an eyebrow arched and surprise genuine on his face.

Harry cleared his throat, trying to buy some time to figure out what he was going to say. “Look after Merlin, will you?” He cleared his throat again, steadily not looking at Eggsy. “He’s rubbish at it.”

That was as much sentiment as he was going to allow. Not waiting for a response, Harry turned and headed into medical, leaving Eggsy behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, everyone!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks all for the comments. :) It's been lovely to see how many people like this fic. I'm on an editing week for my original stuff, so there's been extra time to write, so here's another chapter!

Eggsy stood in the hallway, watching Harry disappear into medical without a backwards glance. His words rung in Eggsy’s ears.  _ Look after Merlin. _ Was that Harry’s way of saying he knew something was between them and he approved? Was that Harry giving up?

The tube ride had shown more of Harry’s hand than he had intended, Eggsy would bet. Eggsy wasn’t stupid, and he certainly hadn’t made it through twenty odd years in the council estates by not paying attention. The headache was easy enough to read, the way Harry had flinched at the light, angled his head so that his hand provided some relief.

But there were the other things, too. The way he stood confident, held the right expression, but there was a softer vulnerability underneath it, like it was a fragile shield that could crack under strain. The way he hadn’t connected the dots with Lancelot, Roxy. It wasn’t a guarantee of memory problems, but he’d been shot in the head, and while it wasn’t something Eggsy had seen before, he’d had enough cracks over the head to know what it could do to a person.

His phone rang, pulling him out of his thoughts. He took it out of his pocket and answered it, tucking it to his ear. “Hey Rox.”

“I heard what happened.” Roxy sounded breathless, and he heard a few gunshots before she spoke again. “Are you okay?”

“Are you in the middle of a mission?” Eggsy asked incredulously.

“Sort of.” Two more shots. “Almost done.”

Eggsy made a disbelieving sort of noise. What, exactly, had he done to deserve friends like her? “Rox --”

Someone’s screaming was cut short. “That’s the last one,” she said, and she didn’t sound out of breath anymore. If Eggsy could see her, he would have bet that her suit was impeccable and every hair was in place.

Sometimes he hated her. Or envied her. Same thing, really.

“I bet Merlin’s right ticked,” Eggsy muttered.

“Lyonnesse is handling,” Roxy said, and he could hear the saunter of her boots as she stepped over something with a cheery hop.

Her gait slowed. “Eggsy?”

He blinked, then blinked again.

“I can hear your breathing.” Her voice was concerned now.

Oh.  _ That’s _ what that sound was. Eggsy looked in the direction of medical and turned away, breaking into a run. He didn’t know where he was going, he just needed to get as far away from Harry as he could.

“Sit down,” Roxy said.

Eggsy did, like his knees were cut free from strings. It meant he was sitting against the wall in a dim corridor somewhere, but hey, whatever worked.

“Eggsy.” Her voice was softer. “You’re not okay, are you?”

That was a good question. Eggsy was gripping the phone too tight, and there was something bubbling in his chest that threatened to overwhelm him. He didn’t cry, he wasn’t like that. He’d dealt with the whole Valentine situation, with Harry’s death. But there was dealing with things in theory, and then getting hit with them in the face, multiple times.

He cleared his throat, became aware of the wetness on his cheeks. So much for not crying. “Not really,” he said, because Roxy was about the only person he’d be honest with.

“I’ll be there in two hours,” Roxy said, her voice clipped. There was a pause, like she was listening to something being said in her ear. She probably was.

Shit. Was Lyonnesse listening, reporting what Roxy said to Merlin? Eggsy balked. He didn’t want to see Merlin, not when he was feeling this broken. Merlin wasn’t his anymore, no matter what Harry said, and the last thing he wanted was to see what he couldn’t have, get comfort from someone who wasn’t his.

“Eggsy.” There was an edge to Roxy’s voice. Not a bad way, not like Dean’s voice had been, but concerned, like she was considering hijacking a jet if it would get her back to HQ sooner.

“I’ll wait on the tarmac,” Eggsy said, and then he hung up before Roxy could reply. He sat on the floor, feeling the pressure in his chest constrict his breathing, small black flecks at the edge of his vision as he started to hyperventilate. The logical part of him was quite aware it was a panic attack, that his body was acting like it was a life-or-death situation. And not just any life or death situation, but an emotional one.

See, Eggsy didn’t really fear death. It was just something that happened. His death, anyway. But seizing something, really feeling it -- that was beyond his scope of expertise.

He focused on straightening his back, sitting up and trying to open his chest as much as he could. God, he wanted to go see Merlin. Not even for sleeping, not even for anything else, but just the reassurance of him being there.

It could have been a half hour, could have been an hour, before Eggsy felt strong enough to stand. He felt exhausted, like he’d been run through the wringer and fell out the other side. There was an itch under his skin, a craving. He wanted to go to Merlin, to touch him, to do something, anything, to get the thoughts out from his head.

But something stopped him. He hated needing to ask for reassurance, depending on anyone but himself. Roxy didn’t count, not really. They’d saved the world together.

Eggsy leaned against the wall, staring at the ceiling. That wasn’t quite fair, leaving Merlin out. Merlin had saved his arse, quite literally. He’d held nothing against Eggsy, instead providing comfort and care when he had needed it most. As much as Eggsy hated it, hated the dependency, he knew he slept better when he was either with Merlin or in his office. He didn’t wake up feeling as fractured, or seeing blood wherever he looked. It was the type of sleep he wasn’t getting often.

He swallowed thickly, feeling his hands clench loosely into fists before involuntarily relaxing, like the muscles were too weak to hold themselves in place. He scrubbed a hand across his face, trying to eliminate any signs of tears, and looked up, trying to figure out where the hell he was.

A weak smile crossed his face. He was maybe twenty feet from Merlin’s office. Even when he’d been freaking out, he’d headed there. Fuck, he was so far gone.

He detoured to the small kitchenette attached to the handler lab, poured a large mug of tea for Merlin and a smaller one for himself, then headed into the lab, going straight to Merlin’s smaller, private lab. Merlin had been through a lot the last hour, there was no way he was going to sit with everyone else.

And Eggsy was right. He heard the door hiss open, heard Merlin’s fingers tapping before the man himself came into view. His back was rigid, and Eggsy winced just thinking about how tense Merlin’s muscles had to be. It was already bad enough with how much sitting he did in his office chair; stress just made it worse. Silently Eggsy walked in, putting Merlin’s mug on his desk, next to his right hand.

He took a step back and stood there, his tea in his left hand. Raised it to take a sip, closed his eyes at the too-hot burn as it went down his throat. Probably not his smartest decision, given that it made his chest constrict and hey, broken ribs were not something you really wanted to fuss with, even though they were healing or something. When was the last time he took painkillers? He’d been dodging Fay for days, hiding from the medical team.

When he opened his eyes, Merlin was looking at him with a raised eyebrow. His eyes were intense, scanning Eggsy over. Not in a sexual way, but assessing his health, his mind. His person.

“Over on the counter.” Merlin waved to the camping bed and the small shelf next to it.

Was that what counted as a counter? Eh, wasn’t Eggsy’s decision. He walked over with the tea, too tired and wrung out to crack a smile when he saw the paracetamol Merlin had set out with a small glass of water. He tossed them in his mouth and drank the water, closing his eyes with a sigh.

An hour until Roxy got in, until he could relax with someone. He couldn’t stay with Merlin, not just because of what had happened, but because Roxy would hunt him down if he didn’t meet her and he really didn’t want to be caught cuddling with his boss.

That sounded weirder in his head than he had meant. It wasn’t cuddling, it was more…

Okay yeah it was cuddling, bollocks.

Eggsy turned back to look at Merlin, his tea on the counter near the now-empty cup of water. The water had cooled down the scalding, but not eased the pain in his ribs. The painkillers would help, but time would help the most. Maybe a bath. A bath sounded nice. Especially if Merlin was in it -

“Do you need something, lad?” Merlin’s voice was rough, almost gritty, as he oh-so-rudely interrupted Eggsy’s delightful train of thought.

Eggsy studied him further, saw it in the line of Merlin’s shoulders. He wasn’t the only one who had cried, then. Not that he was going to bring it to Merlin’s attention, that he’d seen. It wasn’t any of his business.

Merlin cleared his throat. “Eggsy?”

Oh. Merlin had asked him a question. Eggsy considered it, tilting his head. “Dunno.”

Merlin sat there in his chair, half-swiveled towards Eggsy. Just enough of his face was in the light that Eggsy could see the faint red rim underneath the glasses, the way they sat slightly askew on Merlin’s face as if he had rubbed his eyes.

“What about you?” Eggsy asked. It was fair game, wasn’t it?

Surprise flickered in Merlin’s eyes, and he turned to study Eggsy more fully. Eggsy just stood there, letting Merlin look. “Nae.” Merlin looked away, staring past Eggsy and whatever was more interesting behind him. Like, nothing.

“I think you’re lying,” Eggsy braved, crossing his arms despite a grimace. He was getting there, but some of the arm movements ached some.

Merlin looked at him, eyes sharper, mouth opening as if to tear him down. Then it closed, and something in Merlin must have given out, because he slumped in his chair, a hand to his forehead.

“When was the last time you slept?” Eggsy glanced at the clock. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept either, which meant Merlin was probably even worse off. It was funny, how Merlin thought Eggsy didn’t notice the fact he didn’t actually sleep while they laid in bed together the majority of the time.

Merlin made a face at the clock, which meant the answer was definitely not anything Eggsy would like. “Dunno,” Merlin said instead.

“Liar,” Eggsy muttered, then looked up and saw Merlin staring at him with narrowed eyes. “I said fire.” He tried to look innocent. “You should sleep in case there’s a fire.”

“I’m not that dense, lad.” But something in Merlin relaxed, some of the tension easing from his shoulders. There was a hint of amusement in his eyes. He stood, cracking his back and pointedly not looking at Eggsy.

It took him a few seconds, but it hit him why Merlin was lingering. “Roxy’s getting in soon,” he said, an apology lacing his voice.

He didn’t let himself pretend that the slump in Merlin’s shoulders was disappointment. He was probably relieved, not having to turn Eggsy down now that Harry was back. Eggsy wasn’t a cheater, and he wasn’t going to get in their way, either. He had to live with himself, after all, and he’d already done enough that he didn’t want to think about.

At some point he’d have to give in and have a proper chat, let them know that he wasn’t going to interfere and hey, if he made them uncomfortable, there were other staff he could work with. But he didn’t want that moment to be now.

Merlin reached over to his keyboard, tapping the keys to lock the computer. Then he waved nonchalantly to Eggsy, heading towards the small room that served as a bedroom. “Lock up when you leave.”

Eggsy didn’t know how long he stood there, staring at the closed door that Merlin was behind. He ached to go knock, to apologize, to tell him that he wasn’t going to go between Harry and Merlin. No matter how much he craved to be there with Merlin, wanted the comfort that came from being the little spoon. And he’d been half-gone on Harry already, before the whole dead thing. Fuck. He was so screwed.

His left hand curled into a fist, and he looked down at it, numb. At least he had something to wait for. Leaving Merlin’s lab behind, Eggsy took the long route to the tarmac, half in a daze.

By the time he’d gotten there, he could see the plane wheeling in. Well, that was convenient. Especially since he’d felt like his mind had hit a brick wall and refused to go anywhere else. Harry was  _ alive _ . Harry was Merlin’s. Merlin was Harry’s, and fuck it all, Eggsy had been left alone.

Not entirely alone, he had Rox after all. And she was his best mate. But hanging out with her just wasn’t the same.

“Eggsy!” Roxy’s voice brought him out of his thoughts. She bounded off the plane, and he could practically hear the grumbling of the pilot. Roxy was aces, she really was, but she had shite regard for aviation safety. Probably because she hated flying so much.

Still, it made him smile. “Hey, Rox.” He wrapped his arms around her, feeling the thickness of her suit underneath his fingers, the texture of the tartan, the warmth of her body against his, letting the crook of her neck hide his face. It should have been the other way around, should have felt wrong, but it didn’t. Roxy was safety, after all. Something Eggsy had precious little of in his life.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Roxy said softly, slinging an arm over his shoulder and looking at him with those concerned eyes of hers.

“I hope you ordered the pizza,” Eggsy drawled. Pizza and crap movies with Roxy, then maybe he wouldn’t feel like drowning himself. Fingers crossed. But at least Roxy would stop him.

That was more than he could say for others.

**

_ Merlin was back in the plane, watching Eggsy run on screen. “Go right,” he commanded, watching as Eggsy followed. Then he turned to the other screen, saw Harry there, somewhere else in the bunker. What? No, something was wrong. Harry wasn’t supposed to be there. _

_ He wanted to shout, wanted to scream and warn them, but anything he said was drowned out by the sound of the air missiles locking into place. He stuck his head out into the cockpit, swore. _

_ No, he knew what was going to happen next. Eggsy was trapped now, sending a final message to Roxy. Harry was trapped too far away, valienting fighting his way out of his situation, but it was going to be too late. _

_ Merlin started typing, hacking into the implants, into Valentine’s system. He’d done it once before, it should have been easy enough. But all of his attempts got turned away. Failed, the red screen blinking at him, shouting his failure. There was nothing he could do, nothing that worked. _

_ He had just enough time to look up at the screen before he heard Eggsy screaming as they overtook him, Harry too little too late. He heard the whistle of the missiles firing, knowing they were coming for him. _

_ He’d failed them, and they were dead. He could picture the glazed eyes on Eggsy’s face, the way Harry would crumple to the ground like a puppet that had cut its strings. It was Merlin’s fault. There would be nothing left of him to mourn. _

_ The blast of heat as the missile hit the plane was almost a relief. _

Merlin sat straight up, fumbling for his glasses with his right hand, trying to calm his breathing. He swore under his breath, a colorful round that would have made the Kingsman recruits blush (even the non-wankers). His chest was heaving, his pulse was racing. Fuck, fuck,  _ fuck _ .

It wasn’t his first round of nightmares, or the first he’d had of the bunkers, or of comrades dying. But it was the first where it was both Eggsy and Harry, and he had been the one that failed them. 

He closed his eyes, putting his glasses on so he didn’t crunch them in his hand like he wanted to. Several rounds of therapy throughout his Kingsman career had taught him what the feeling was, even if it felt worse this time. Helplessness. Anger. Even though Merlin was their Quartermaster, the man behind the curtain, when it came down to it, there was only so much he could do.

Merlin, for all he was a wizard, wasn’t invincible. He could do everything within his power, and sometimes it still wouldn’t be enough to save the people he cared about.

He wanted to scream, to lash out. Anything and everything that was unbecoming of someone in his position.

Instead he calmly got out of bed, dressed in workout clothes. There wasn’t anything wrong with beating the shite out of a punching bag in the middle of the night, was there?

So that was what he did. Worked out for an hour until he was drenched in sweat, his body too tired to panic, his mind dizzy but free. Endorphins were useful, in that sort of situation. He went to the gym, showered and changed. It was silent, all of his small movements echoing loudly. He liked it that way, liked the isolation.

Even if being alone with his thoughts was the absolute last thing he needed.

Merlin considered detouring to get a proper outfit, then decided it was 3am and anyone who thought he had to wear a jumper could fuck off. They kept the heating up for a reason, no matter the fact it cost a god-awful amount to heat up the whole bloody mansion. He was going to walk around in his sweatpants and shirt, thanks very much.

If anyone wanted to complain, he’d glare at them until they ran away. That usually worked. Even the Knights would be gone somewhere else at 3am, and if not, glaring worked with them too.

That didn’t stop him from taking the back routes, though. Just in case. He had to maintain an image.

He let his mind drift as he wandered, seeing exactly how complicated he could make the pathway and exactly how much of the mansion’s blueprint he remembered. Not that he was procrastinating going back to sleep, or anything. Nope.

Still, he didn’t quite expect to end up in front of Medical. Or, more specifically, to end up in front of Harry’s room at Medical. The staff shot him odd glances, but narrowed eyes had shut up any questions.

Okay, so maybe the whole not paying attention to anything was bollocks. He hated his brain. It clearly had a plan.

He settled back into his Merlin persona, his shoulders back and his posture tall. He knocked on the door, just to be polite.

“Yes?” Harry’s voice came from inside through the intercom.

Merlin opened the door, stood there. Harry laid on his bed with the top half of the bed propped up, the sheets folded neatly at his waist. Clearly not sleeping. Clearly bored.

Harry studied him in silence for a few moments. “Might as well come in,” he said, resignation in his voice.

Merlin did, carefully closing and locking the door behind him. He activated a small bug he carried in his pocket, shorting out the room’s ability to record conversation. It was quite useful, when he wanted it to be. He could delete the recording, eliminate all record of the static, so no one would be the wiser.

Pretending to be absolutely unaffected by the entire situation, Merlin walked over, grabbed the armchair-like visitor chair and placed it near Harry’s bed before sinking down into it, crossing one leg over the other and crossing his arms. “They’re keeping you.” Part of him winced; even he could hear how thick his accent was getting. Harry wasn’t stupid, he knew what that meant.

“Yes,” Harry said, but he didn’t mention it. “It turns out getting shot in the head does something to one’s health.” He looked away from Merlin, but Merlin didn’t.

He let himself stare at Harry, taking in his profile, the scar that blossomed up from his left temple. The way Harry looked so tired, even under his gentleman countenance. Still, he didn’t know what to say. There was so much on the table between them that even Merlin didn’t know where to start.

Harry beat him to it, clearing his throat. He still wasn’t looking at Merlin. “You and Eggsy are close now.”

There were so many ways to answer that, so Merlin bit back the first three and settled for something less scathingly acidic. “Yes.” It wasn’t really the full answer; how could Merlin really explain what went on in his head? Even he didn’t know what went on in there, where logic stopped and  _ feelings _ began.

All he knew was that he wanted Harry, not just the quiet danger of sex but the small things in the morning, like how Harry knew how Merlin took his coffee and Merlin knew how he liked his toast. But there was Eggsy, too, with his wide, guileless smile, the way he looked so vulnerable and hurt when he thought Merlin wasn’t looking. The way Eggsy went over and above for everyone but himself, putting himself on the line over and over again.

Harry cleared his throat again. “I’m glad,” he said, in a way that made it very clear that he wasn’t.

If that was what Harry thought counted as subtle, he must have been hit in the head harder than Merlin thought.

“You deserve to find someone,” Harry continued, as if Merlin hadn’t raised his eyebrows and wasn’t staring at him like he was daft.

“Bugger off,” Merlin said, and he wasn’t sure exactly how it came off. Scoffing, yes. Irritated, yes. In disbelief that Harry thought that he would - well, fuck. He didn’t know what he was doing. He wasn’t over Harry, not in the least. But was he gone for Eggsy?

Well, the last two months sort of answered that question. Even though it was an answer he was less-than-thrilled with.

“Pardon?” There was a reproach in Harry’s eyes that made Merlin smile. Harry was in there, even if there was obviously something wrong. He hadn’t commented on Merlin’s clothes, for example. Had he simply not noticed, or did he not remember what Merlin usually wore?

“Eggsy isn’t mine.” Merlin tilted his head to the side, daring.

Confusion flashed over Harry’s face, then a discontent, like Harry had dealt with that feeling often and hated it.

Then Harry looked down at his hands, then back at Merlin, the polite expression on his face again. “I apologize,” he said smoothly. “I must have misread the situation.”

Merlin hummed noncommittally, and sat there, watching Harry, studying his profile and the way he looked around the room and pretended to do everything but look at Merlin. It was strange, how much lighter he felt knowing Harry was alive. How much weight had lifted off his shoulders when he had seen him standing in the shop, even when he’d wanted to shove Harry right out the window.

He considered words, weighing them. He wasn’t certain what he wanted to say, or even how he wanted to say it. Were the words worth it? Was it fair to Eggsy? “He quite fancies you,” Merlin said, his gaze flickering towards Harry long enough to register the surprise on his face before he looked away.

“Pardon?” Harry said, in his best  _ I’m-going-to-pretend-to-be-confused _ tone that Merlin had heard countless times. Fine. Merlin could play along.

“Eggsy.” Merlin took his glasses off, ignoring the way they made the world go fuzzy, pretending to clean them before toying with them, giving him something to do with his hands. “That’s how we got together.” He tilted his head slightly to the other side, deliberately not looking at Harry. Still, he heard the faint inhale, could see faint movement in the way Harry’s hands moved in his peripheral vision. Merlin blamed insomnia and the fact it was 3am in the bloody morning for what he said next. “In the biblical sense,” he said, carefully enunciating the words.

Harry snorted, and Merlin smiled in satisfaction. He slid his glasses back on, looked at Harry and saw him looking warily back.

Harry cleared his throat. “If anything, Eggsy’s, ah, affections, are directed towards you.”

“What about you?” The conversation wasn’t going where he thought it would. Then again, the whole bloody year hadn’t gone how he had expected it to. Their conversation was just the cherry on top of a shite sundae. “Where are your affections directed?”

The way Harry’s eyes didn’t leave his confirmed enough. “It would be highly inappropriate.”

Trust Harry to skip over the question with a  _ would _ instead of a  _ no _ .

There was a knock on the door, much to Merlin’s irritation. He touched the button in his pocket, disconnecting the bug and unlocking the door. It was Fay who popped her head in, and this time she was the one with narrowed eyes. “It’s almost four in the morning,” she said shortly.

“And we’re both awake.” Harry gestured between the both of them.

“You have five minutes,” Fay said sharply.

Merlin picked his battles. “Yes, ma’am.”

She disappeared, and Merlin blocked the signal with his scrambler and locked the door again.

“Bossy, aren’t they,” Harry murmured.

This time Merlin smiled.

Harry cleared his throat, and Merlin figured it had to be hurting by now. “How is Eggsy?” He tried and failed to sound nonchalant, like he wasn’t actually interested in the answer.

“With Lancelot at the moment, last I heard.” Merlin didn’t want to think about that, not really. Not because of what they were doing - whatever it was, it wasn’t his business - but because he knew the nightmare had come about because he hadn’t had Eggsy in his bed. That wasn’t anything Harry needed to know about. Hell, Merlin didn’t even want to know it. But he did.

Sure, Harry wasn’t stupid. He had nightmares like the rest and Merlin didn’t even want to think about what Harry’s nightmares were like now. But this was different. This was a level of vulnerability that Merlin didn’t want to trust anyone with. Letting someone know that they influenced you, that you cared about them, it gave them a power that Merlin wasn’t ready to hand out. At least not in a way that he would acknowledge.

Even if he did fancy them.

“I should probably get some rest,” Harry said, his words a polite dismissal. He didn’t look at Merlin, so when Merlin stood, he stopped and thought for a few seconds. There wasn’t anything to lose, really, was there?

Then he stepped forward, put a hand on the bed and used the other one to tip Harry’s chin up so he was looking at Merlin. Telegraphed his moves, carefully and slowly, before he pressed his lips to Harry’s in a short, chaste kiss. “Good night,” Merlin murmured, before he pulled back. He disconnected the bug, unlocked the door, and didn’t look back as he left.

Sleep wasn’t going to come easy, if it came at all.

**

Harry was sitting in the bed staring at the ceiling when he heard the door hiss open again. His gaze flickered first to the clock - Merlin had left ten minutes ago - and then the door. It was Fay, the head medical doctor. She had a hand on her hip and raised eyebrows on her face.

“I can’t sleep,” Harry said with a shrug.

The look on her face softened.

He hated it, the way she looked at him. The way the nurses looked at him, like he was fragile or broken. It made him want to throw things, to lash out. Sometimes his moods were like that, from zero to a hundred in no time at all. He fucking hated it. Wished Valentine was alive just so he could kill him over and over again.

“Does he know?” Fay asked, her voice gentle.

“No.” Harry’s voice was stern. “My medical records are encrypted.”

Fay sighed. “Surely it would help to have support --”

“I said no.” Harry didn’t quite snarl, but he was close. He knew it was bad. He knew it would be better, having Merlin or Eggsy in the picture. Have someone there by his side. But he’d waited as long as he could to avoid coming back, got as close to normal as he could get without dedicated medical care. Until he’d built up a carefully fabricated shield so no one could see past it. Or if they could, that they couldn’t read what was underneath.

He didn’t know how long he was going to be in rehab, if he’d even have a job when he was done. Sometimes words didn’t come easily, sometimes they didn’t come at all, and he’d be stuck there, trying to think of something that had come so quickly before. The headaches were another thing. Nothing like having to lie in the dark for hours at a time until the painkillers even touched them.

Then there was the lack of sleep. “Sleep disturbances”, Fay called it. Harry had went from sleeping like a rock to rivaling Merlin’s insomnia. Walking was harder than it should have been, things shifting slightly in the corner of his vision and his balance off.

He was weak, he was broken, and he fucking hated it. Sometimes he thought it would be better just to finish the job. But he didn’t. Above all, he was a gentleman.

Gentlemen didn’t leave their friends - or  _ whatever _ Eggsy and/or Merlin were - behind.

Harry cleared his throat. “How long do I have to stay here?” He looked at her. She was standing, jotting something down on his chart before studying his monitors. He frowned, opening his mouth to repeat the question.

“Until you’ve either successfully gone through rehab or you have someone who will supervise your condition.” She raised her eyebrows, indicating that she knew exactly which choice he was going to make. Being released meant telling someone about his condition, and that was going to happen over his dead body.

“I’m merely being held here as a precaution,” Harry said, not to object but to instead spin a story. Fay just looked at him like she thought he was dense, and Harry probably was. Kingsman was full of spies, and that was a flimsy excuse if he’d ever heard one. But he didn’t care. Knights were prying wankers, and he had to keep some privacy. At least he’d been able to encrypt his feed, his medical records.

He didn’t want anyone to see his weakness, see how bad things got. He had his pride.

After the church, after the gunshot, it was one of the few things he had left that was genuinely his. He knew he’d never shoot a gun again, never be back up to his physical standards. The doctors could tut encouragement all they wanted; Harry just  _ knew _ . It meant he was going to be relegated to paperwork, the fieldwork he loved gone out of his life. He’d be forced to sit on the sidelines, watching people like Eggsy or Roxy go out in the field and risk their lives because he asked them to.

His hands clenched into fists, but he kept his face still through years of training.

“Call if you need anything.” Fay reached out as if to touch him and stopped, pulling her hand back.

Harry was grateful. He didn’t watch as she headed out the door of his hospital room and closed it behind him, plunging his room into darkness.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting ready to send my next book to the editor, which means I have more time and incentive to write fanfic. I really do quite like this fic.

Technically it wasn’t stalking, since Merlin was doing his job and monitoring the Kingsman complex. The fact that Eggsy had fallen asleep on his bed in a way that the single camera could see his face - well, that was a detail that didn’t need to be mentioned in polite company.

Merlin leaned back in his chair, exhaustion making the movements jerky. Insomnia was a bitch on a regular day, and now that Eggsy had pulled away, it was even worse. He studied Eggsy’s face, the way his eyes shifted in his sleep under his eyelids, the way his fingers spasmed as he dreamt, the way he shifted when in the throes of a nightmare.

He wanted to be there, to hold him, to help him. But he wasn’t. He couldn’t. Eggsy had made that clear, and he would respect that. Which was why he was sitting there watching him on camera. God he was screwed.

A faint ringing sound caught him so off guard that it took him a few seconds to figure out exactly what the hell it was. He managed to find his mobile under the desk, staring fuzzily at it and then putting it to his ear. “Hello?”

“Fuckin’ finally.” His twin sister’s voice rang loudly in his ear. “What’ve you been doing, Iain?”

Merlin side-stepped her use of his real name. She was trying to wind him up, that much was for sure. “Been a bit busy, Eiric.”

“Yes, with your tailoring business.” The sarcasm was thick in her voice.

There was a pause, Merlin fiddling with a stylus and not knowing what to say. Not sure what he could bring his brain cells to put together.

“Been a rough couple months?” Eiric’s voice was softer now, the type of compassion that prickled uneasily under Merlin’s skin. He loved his family, he did. They were absolutely insane, but that was part of their - charm. Or something.

“Yeah,” Merlin said eventually. He took his glasses off, scrubbed his face. Turned his phone on speaker and set it down.

“I’ll be in London tomorrow,” Eiric continued. “We’re going to get lunch.”

“I don’t know -”

“What, got enough _tailoring orders_ that you can’t spare an hour?” He could _hear_ her raised eyebrow.

Little shit. “Fine,” he grumbled, ensuring she knew exactly how put-upon he was. “Any other wise words of wisdom?”

“Be nice to me, I’m your older sister.”

“By three minutes,” Merlin retorted, quite used to the back-and-forth. She lorded it over him every damned time. “I thought you were better than this.”

“You wish, brother dear.” Eiric was way too fucking cheerful. “Tomorrow. I’ll come find you if you don’t show up, so be forewarned.”

And she would, too. Like the rest of his family, she possessed an uncanny ability for locating things that didn’t want to be found. “Fine.” He picked his battles. She hung up without a farewell, and he tossed the mobile to the ground. He’d fetch it later.

Instead he turned back to Eggsy’s face on the screen. He hadn’t moved much, while Merlin was on the phone. The blanket was tucked a bit closer around him, like he’d shivered and tightened his grip on it. His face looked tense, and Merlin could see his shoulders tightening. He really had picked good cameras when he’d gotten the mansion properly outfitted.

He debated for a few moments, and then tapped a few keys. The feed from Harry’s hospital room popped up on the same screen, the two images overlapping. Harry was sitting on the bed, calmly reading a newspaper. But there was a crease between his brows, the one he only used when he was having to focus really hard. And Harry never had to focus that much on crosswords.

Merlin flicked back to the medical records, eyes narrowing at the records of his last three unsuccessful attempts to hack into Harry’s medical file. Something something privacy, but he _knew_ Harry. He knew the damned prideful man would take his secrets to his grave, whether or not they were the things that killed him.

He let out a groan, his fingers on his forehead. Fuck. If Eiric was going to be in town tomorrow, he would need to actually sleep. She could take one look at him and know exactly how little he’d slept in the last two months, and the absolute last thing he needed was her calling their mother.

He had already sat through that lecture two weeks after V-day about “ _how dare you not call, I could be dead, and do you need a care package, dear?”_ (Merlin wasn’t stupid, he’d said yes. Then split it with Eggsy without telling him who it was from.)

Deliberately he shut down the video feeds monitoring Harry and Eggsy, and was even charitable and closed the one that had the medical records. He had work to do, even if it was godforsaken paperwork. Arthur apparently had to do the majority of his work on paper, because it wasn’t hackable.

Fucking Valentine.

He had no idea how much time had passed when he heard the door hiss open, catching him off guard to the point he threw himself backwards and nearly tipped over.

Yes, he was dignified. Such dignified. Much more dignified on something other than two hours of sleep in the past three days, and probably barely double-digits that week. Yes, yes, he knew. It would kill him.

There were worse ways to die. How, he wasn’t certain. But he knew they existed.

He peered blearily at the screen, trying to figure out what time it was. The steps and the confident way the person walked was more than enough to identify who it was. “Hello, Eggsy,” Merlin said, trying not to think about the fact it was five hours later than he had thought it was and by five hours later, he meant it was actually 10 in the morning and oh when was the last time he’d eaten, on top of it.

“Merlin.” Eggsy stopped a metre away, his arms crossed. Merlin could picture the exact skeptical expression that Eggsy was giving him, the look that very clearly said he was going to take absolutely none of Merlin’s bullshit about his sleeping habits or his eating. That was fine with Merlin; he was too knackered to come up with more excuses anyway.

“You had a nice nap,” Merlin said, before his brain pointed out that it really probably wasn’t the best thing to admit to. How the fuck was he a super spy when his brain did shit like that? To be fair, his brain wasn’t really used to working on such little sleep after an apocalypse of that level.

“Fuckin’ stalker you are,” Eggsy said, but there was no vitriol in his voice, just amusement.

“It’s my job.” Merlin scrubbed a hand across his face, trying to get his eyes working so the stupid paperwork stopped blurring.

Eggsy made a noise that was half amusement, half disagreement, but apparently decided to drop the subject.

Merlin waited for a few seconds, wary as to what Eggsy was up to, but all he heard was Eggsy going towards the camp bed and sinking down on it. The hair on the back of Merlin’s neck prickled; he didn’t like having people behind him, especially not when he was on guard already.

“When was the last time you slept?” Eggsy asked, his voice casual.

Merlin looked at the clock, tried to do the maths and failed. “Yesterday,” he decided. Surely he’d closed his eyes at some point, and that counted as sleep.

“You sound drunk.” Eggsy’s eyebrows arched. “And I know you haven’t had any alcohol.”

“Not yet,” Merlin muttered under his breath. He still had another two hours of paperwork, and all he wanted was some fucking scotch. But he knew drinking on such little sleep was also not a good idea. Maybe he could use the bottle of scotch and knock himself over the head.

Eiric would probably be able to tell, the prat.

Merlin was yanked from this thoughts by the sound of Eggsy opening the door and disappearing out of it, leaving him behind in his lab, narrowing his eyes at the exit. He doubted that was it. Eggsy wasn’t quite that easy-going, didn’t give up from a simple push.

A wave of dizziness washed over him and he forced himself to sit up straight, gripping the desk a bit too hard. He was so tired. His body was dragging, his mind even worse. But the absolute last thing he wanted was to close his eyes. He knew what was waiting there, what would swallow him the moment he let go.

“Fuck,” he said to absolutely no one. “Fuck.” He repeated it louder, just to see if it made him feel better. It didn’t.

He stuck his glasses back on and turned back to the paperwork, frowning furiously at it as if he could set it on fire. Sadly, it refused to light, so he picked up his pen and went on signing and filling out some bullshit form about weapons repossession or armory stocks or something he really didn’t care about but had to be done.

How Chester King hadn’t killed himself, Merlin didn’t know. The amount of paperwork was enough to keep half the Kingsman staff busy for decades.

“Here.”

Merlin blinked, shuffling the papers in front of him in a futile attempt to pretend he hadn’t been working. He hadn’t even heard the door open, much less heard Eggsy enter. A plate plunked down on top of the offending paperwork, and he glared at the sandwich as if it was personally offensive.

“And some tea.” Eggsy sat the mug off to the side. “Sandwich first.”

Merlin swiveled in his chair to face him, eyes narrowed. “I’m your boss.”

Eggsy fixed him with a level stare, not even bothering to answer that.

“Insubordination,” Merlin muttered darkly, but he did pick up the sandwich and regard it warily. Cheese, tomato, and mayo. He looked at Eggsy, glared just in case it would make the sandwich go away.

It didn’t.

There he was. Fifty-odd years old, acting like a toddler. Fucking hell. Maybe he would pull out the scotch bottle and brain himself with it. If he was that bad now, Eiric was going to rip him to shreds tomorrow.

It took two bites of the sandwich before he realized that yeah, okay, he was sort of hungry and okay he’d eat the whole thing but not because _Eggsy_ made it or brought it, but because...something else. He didn’t know what else, but something. He’d come up with that later.

He finished the sandwich with a sniff and pushed the plate off of his paperwork, then picked up the mug of tea that was still steaming. Merlin took a sip and then closed his eyes, practically feeling his defenses lower as warmth spread throughout his body. Shit coffee had been his drink of choice for the past however-long-he’d-been-up, and while it worked, there was nothing like a good cuppa to make the world a bit better.

Eggsy’s hand appeared to pick up the plate, taking it off somewhere without a word. Merlin eyed him suspiciously, but kept drinking the tea. It was his favorite blend, too. Earl grey, with lavender accents. He took another sip, then another, letting the muscles of his back relax and leaning against his office chair for support.

God he was tired. Not just mentally, not just exhausted, but his body felt like it was going to rebel if he asked it to do one more thing. He knew that wasn’t quite the truth, though. It wasn’t the first or last time he’d be pushing his body beyond what it thought it was capable of. He just didn’t know if he wanted to.

He stared at the bottom of the mug, debating whether or not to ask Eggsy to fetch him more tea. Eggsy, who was standing quite close, his face just a shade too innocent.

Merlin narrowed his eyes, taking a second look at the way his body felt loose, his limbs pleasantly warm.

Eggsy blinked, as if he had no idea what Merlin was thinking about.

“You cheeky -”

**

Eggsy caught Merlin’s head before it hit the desk. He hadn’t quite thought this through. Merlin was taller than him, probably too tall for the camp bed (why did he have it in his office??). There was the bedroom off to the side, or whatever functioned as such. That would work.

He studied Merlin’s “sleeping” form for a few moments, trying to figure out how to best pick him up. Easing him to the floor and then dragging him to the bedroom was probably the most ergonomic option, but it would mess up his jumper and trousers and Merlin was going to be cross enough already.

Ah-ha. He went to the camp bed, stripping off the duvet and laying it on the ground next to Merlin’s computer chair. He was snoring now, the drug working its magic a bit faster than Eggsy had intended. The original goal was to get him into the bed first, but this worked. Besides, it let him skip the whole “not going to get between you and Harry, but if you think I’m letting you treat yourself like shit, you’re wrong” speech he had planned.

Even if he did sort of want to get between him and Harry. Mostly literally. But he wasn’t letting himself think about that.

Carefully he lowered Merlin to the ground, pleased when he actually landed on the duvet. Next step was dragging him to bedroom, careful to keep his back straight without stressing the spine. He’d already done enough damage to himself.

Last step was getting Merlin from the floor to the bed. And unconscious bodies were as heavy as dead bodies, which were fucking heavy, ta very much. Merlin did look sort of cute, laying on the ground and actually fucking asleep. None of that “I’m laying here pretending to doze” bollocks.

It took ignoring every rule of ergonomics Eggsy had ever learned to get Merlin onto the bed with some sort of decorum. Merlin grumbled in his sleep and rolled over onto his front. Eggsy bit back a laugh. There were a few times, when they’d slept together, when Merlin would actually sleep. Sometimes Eggsy would let himself stay awake for a while, and just watch.

You learned a lot about a person when they were sleeping. Merlin was a warm, open sort of sleeper. Not just in terms of body heat, but the way he wrapped around whomever he was sleeping with, the way his face flickered expressions, his fingers moving minutely as if reassuring himself that whatever was underneath them was still there, whether it was a person or the blankets. His face showed everything when he slept, the worry and stress and fear flickering in the way his lips were held, the way he tossed his head from one side to another.

Did that make Eggsy a stalker? Probably. But it wasn’t like Merlin had any room to talk.

He hesitated for a second, and then shifted Merlin so he could untie and remove his shoes. There weren’t any pajamas kept in the spare bedroom, not that he would have really been able to dress unconscious Merlin on his own, but at least the shoes were gone. He was oddly tickled to see that ever-so-effortlessly put together Merlin had a tiny hole in the tip of the sock over his big toe.

Sentiment, most likely. Eggsy bit back a smile, gently fussing over him until he was tucked under the covers. The duvet he returned to the camp bed, before leaning back against the bedroom door, debating what to do. There was little he wanted more than to curl up there with him, to feel Merlin’s warmth against him and the knowledge that everything would be okay.

His chest ached at the thought, the wanting that was there. But he didn’t. He forced himself to take a deep breath, to glance at the clock. The dart should knock him out for at least six hours. Which wasn’t nearly as much as he needed, but it was better than the absolute nothing Merlin had been letting himself get before.

He let himself back into the main office, fussing over Merlin’s paperwork and tidying it up so he didn’t come back to chaos. Merlin’s glasses laid over a wayward sheet, and Eggsy stopped, looking at them. Something warm flowed through him, sending a pleasant heat all the way to the tips of his toes. It wasn’t lust, it was something...gentler.

Affection.

Eggsy let himself make a face at himself. He was so fuckin’ far gone for two people that would never be his. He carefully folded the glasses and put them on the small bedside drawer next to Merlin’s bed, debated for a few seconds and then fetched him a glass of water, too.

This time he let himself out of the lab, locking it securely behind him. He took his glasses out of his pocket, tapped the side of the frame to tell the listening Handler that Merlin was going to be out of commission for at least the next six hours, and to only bother him under the threat of imminent death. And by that, he meant their death. Not Merlin’s. Because Eggsy would kill them.

Nicely.

Tucking the glasses back into his pocket, he sauntered down the hallway feeling pretty pleased with himself. He was chipping in because Harry couldn’t look after Merlin proper, he told himself. He was virtuous. It wasn’t just because he wanted to fuck both of them. But hey, life wasn’t that lucky where he was from.

He checked on the recruits, who were running obstacle courses under Percival’s supervision, dogs by their sides. Not that Eggsy played favorites, but he was definitely keeping an eye on the two non-traditional (as Harry would say) applicants. They had more to learn when it came to decorum, just as he had, but he felt they were more well-rounded. Still, the final decision was Merlin’s, or Arthur’s. Considering they were one and the same, it was Merlin’s.

When he slowed to a stop, he narrowed his eyes. He was standing in front of Medical. He considered it for a second, then shrugged and sauntered inside. He wasn’t due a check-up, not until Monday, but certainly since Merlin was...otherwise occupied, he could check on Harry. Harry, who was almost as full of shite as Merlin was.

No wonder the two were together.

He heard voices coming and ducked into a side passage, his heart racing. It could have been medical staff, that was true, but he recognized the tenor of the voices, their dark sarcasm. He’d overheard them the day he’d broken down. Lamorak, and whoever the other Knight was, laughing over Eggsy’s suitability.

“He’s weak.” Lamorak seemed half amused, half disgusted.

Eggsy narrowed his eyes, not stupid and quite certain who he was talking about. Having left the medical ward, there was a grand total of one major option, and that was Harry. But he had to eavesdrop. Later he could find Lamorak and tell him where to shove his opinion.

“Not fit for anything,” the other Knight agreed. Eggsy struggled to place him. Gwaine? Gawain? Fuck if he knew.

“Merlin’s keeping his pet housebound, too.” Lamorak chuckled. “Can’t trust him out in the field, not without proper supervision.”

Fury lanced through Eggsy’s veins and it took digging his fingernails into the meat of his palms to keep him from going out there and showing them exactly what he could do without proper supervision.

He forced himself to close his eyes, focus on his breathing. It wasn’t the first or last time he’d have to deal with some posh wankers who thought they were better than him. Guaranteed, he’d run into more, whether it was at Kingsman itself or out in the field.

The voices faded, the posh laughter grating on his nerves in a way he couldn’t ignore. He felt unsettled under his skin, the whispers of the other conversation swirling around in his mind. Had he been a pity case? Was that why he was being kept at the mansion, under Merlin’s supervision? Was he why Merlin wasn’t sleeping enough?

“Bollocks.” It wasn’t what Eggsy wanted to say, but it worked. Mostly because he didn’t want to risk accidentally recording what he wanted to say. He’d wait until he was somewhere else before he let rip that particular set of expletives.

He shoved those thoughts and feelings into the chest in his mind with the rest and straightened up as if nothing had happened. He was dressed casually, not quite full chav gear but not a suit, either. Even though he was banned from the gym and from anything strenuous, he preferred to stay comfortable, just in case he would get a random call from medical clearing him for duty.

Hey, he had to dream. It was either that or go mad. Fay had mentioned he would probably start physical therapy early the next week, helping him regain the strength he’d lost in his time off. Part of Eggsy was looking forward to it. Part of him wasn’t.

Along with physical therapy came training exercises, holographic simulations of being under fire, having to take down enemies while completing the objective. They’d been a game, during training. Something exhilarating and fun. But it was different after the bunker. He knew he would have to deal with it, have to overcome it. It was part of his job.

But sometimes it made him feel too hot under the collar, made him want to pummel a sandbag until it burst, until something cracked inside of him and let everything out.

It was easy enough to shove all of that aside, to saunter into medical with the carefree, cocky walk that they were used to. Well, used to seeing when he wasn’t being dragged there for his own sorry arse. Details.

Harry’s room wasn’t hard to find, although Eggsy did keep an eye out for Fay, just in case she would catch him sneaking around and insist on seeing how he was doing or something. Eggsy had had his fair share of checkups, ta, and didn’t want anymore.

Although Merlin’s really hadn’t been that bad. He considered that thought for a moment, then tucked it away for later perusal. Going into Harry’s room half-hard was probably not the right thing to do.

He knocked and then let himself in, pleased to see that Harry was awake, even if he was sort of staring at the ceiling. “Hey, Harry.” Eggsy threw him a casual salute and sauntered over to the armchair, folding down into it with the exact opposite of Harry’s gentlemanly elegance. Instead Eggsy sort of sprawled over it, arms and legs akimbo but comfortable.

“That’s not how you sit in that chair.” Harry took his gaze off the ceiling and fixed it on Eggsy, but there was no real scolding there.

“Gonna lecture me on chair manners now?” Eggsy arched his eyebrows.

Harry sniffed, apparently deciding not to dignify that with an answer.

Eggsy leaned back, studying Harry for a few moments without speaking. There was flickers of pain in his eyes, and the fact that he was still in bed, not even in the plush armchair next to him, was telling too. Did he not want to walk? Could he walk? Eggsy wasn’t a doctor, but he’d definitely looked on Google, and there was a lot getting shot in the head could do.

Of course, he knew the moment he mentioned any of that to Harry, he’d clam up like a bloody vault.

Eggsy considered his options. A knock-out dart was too noticeable. Harry seemed to actually be sleeping, so that wasn’t really his problem anyway. Anything he did to help would have to be done around medical’s guidelines, which was a different problem.

“May I ask what brings you here?” Harry said in the ultra-posh voice he used when he was basically telling someone to fuck off. Eggsy quite liked that voice.

“Came to check on you.” Eggsy raised his eyebrows. “Not a problem, is it?”

Harry met his eyes briefly, then looked away. “I’m quite fine, thanks.”

“Bull shite,” Eggsy muttered.

Harry scoffed, but it was half-hearted with no feeling behind it.

“Look.” Eggsy tried to put his thoughts in order, to figure out what he wanted to say and how to say it. “You’re shit at looking after yourself,” he started, pointing at Harry and then at the hospital equipment. “So is Merlin.” Eggsy rolled his eyes, wondering how in the hell they’d survived this long with a lack of self-preservation and occasionally common sense.

“I regret your --”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re fabulous at it, whatever.” Eggsy cut him off. Harry could spout whatever he wanted, didn’t mean Eggsy had to listen. “Look, I’m not…” The words trailed off and he swallowed despite the lump in his throat. Fucking hell. Emotions were ridiculous. He cleared his throat. “You aren’t looking after each other, since you’re thick-headed, so I’m going to do it for you.”

When Eggsy looked up, Harry was staring at him. There was caution, concern, confusion - many other things beginning with c? Something that looked like amusement tinged with affection. But that was getting ahead of himself. Harry regarded him as a student, and Harry was with Merlin, and fuck if Eggsy was going to break them up just to get what he wanted.

He cleared his throat again. “I wish you’d trust me.”

The words seemed to catch Harry off guard, and unbridled surprise flashed across his face.

“Eggsy, I do -”

“Don’t.” Eggsy clenched his hands together, then let them relax. “Don’t lie to me, Harry.” He wasn’t being harsh, not really. He knew Harry was just trying to reassure him. But Eggsy was long past the part of his life where he’d listen to bullshit and hope it was true.

Harry opened his mouth, then closed it again, and Eggsy recognized the stubborn set of his lips. Harry wasn’t giving in, not really, but he also wasn’t going to speak. It was a sort of stand-still.

Eggsy stood, knocking the chair back behind him. Suddenly his heart was racing and he felt antsy under his skin. What was he doing? What had he been thinking, interfering like that? But he really, really couldn’t watch them do themselves in like they were.

“It’s not going to be a thing,” he assured Harry. “Once Merlin’s back up, he can fuss after you like a teapot. But for now, you’re both knackered.” Not that Eggsy wasn’t going to enjoy it, getting to look after them. Pretending that he mattered to them in some way, that he was someone they enjoyed being around outside of work.

Harry did another goldfish imitation, which Eggsy would have appreciated more if he wasn’t feeling scraped raw. “If I go too far, get in the middle, you’ll tell me, yeah?” Eggsy met Harry’s eyes, scratched a hand through the back of his hair self-consciously.

Confusion darkened Harry’s expression. “Of course.”

Eggsy frowned, but let it go. Maybe he was confused about something else, maybe he was confused that it was even a thing. Maybe the thought of Eggsy intruding upon his territory hadn’t even occurred to him.

He turned his gaze to Harry’s monitors. There were fewer of them now, but his vitals were strong and steady. Eggsy could _see_ his heart beating, his oxygen levels, blood pressure. Everything that made Harry Hart work, that kept him together, was on that screen. And he looked okay.

When he turned back to Harry, Harry was looking away, a sheen of sweat on his face that hadn’t been there before.

“Harry?” Eggsy’s voice rose in alarm, his heart starting to race in his chest.

“It’s just a headache.” Harry’s fingers were tight on his forehead, his breathing short and rapid. “It’s nothing.”

Eggsy substituted a wide variety of disbelieving scoffs for the swear words he wanted to use. Had to keep some variety. “And I’m the Queen of England,” he retorted.

“Long live the Queen,” Harry quipped.

Eggsy rolled his eyes. “Just.” He waved a hand in front of him, feeling self-conscious. “Please. Let me fuckin’ help, you wanker.”

There was silence in the room for several long seconds, and Eggsy’s shoulders slumped in defeat. It wasn’t surprising, not really. Harry had an ego the size of Russia, he would never let himself show weakness in front of someone like Eggsy, not more than he had to.

Then Harry sighed. “Behind the mirror, there’s a orange bottle. That and some water would be helpful.”

Eggsy resisted the urge to stare at him like he’d grown another head, instead turning and heading towards the attached bathroom with a gait too light for someone who was looking after a friend who had recently been shot in the head. But whatever. He’d taken his victories where he could.

It took a few seconds to figure out how to pop the mirror out and grab the pill bottle, and another to find an empty glass of water. He filled it up from the tap, and brought it and the pill bottle out to Harry. He hadn’t looked very closely, but he would have bet the pills were a painkiller of some type.

Harry took the bottle, his hands shaking more than Eggsy had ever seen. But Eggsy kept his hands to himself, knowing exactly how Harry would respond if Eggsy tried to help him. Instead, he stood there in silence, at parade rest, while Harry managed to open the pill bottle, toss a couple in his mouth, and then drank the water.

“I’ll put those back,” Eggsy said promptly, reaching out for the pill bottle. Harry’s long fingers skimmed over it almost reverently before he handed it over, like it was a long-lost friend he didn’t see enough of.

That was something else to watch for. Eggsy wouldn’t put it past Harry to refuse taking painkillers until things got ridiculously bad, no matter how much it hurt. He knew first-hand what painkillers could do to a mind, and if Harry was already feeling fuzzy, there was no way he wanted to amplify that feeling.

He went and tucked the pill bottle away, then came back. Harry was leaning against the bed now, reclining with his hands twined together on his abdomen. He wasn’t looking at the ceiling; instead he was studying Eggsy, in a way that made him feel uncomfortably like one of those butterflies in Harry’s loo.

Eggsy didn’t let himself rock back on his heels or fidget, instead standing still and holding Harry’s gaze. He seemed to be thinking over something, mulling over a decision or a thought that he hadn’t quite decided what to do with.

“You’re a good man, Eggsy,” Harry said finally.

Eggsy didn’t let himself preen, even though he wanted to. Compliments from Harry were rare, only doled out when they were deserved. Even if he’d sort of deserved this one by strong-arming Harry into actually talking to him. A victory was a victory.

“I’d like to be left alone now.” There was something pensive in Harry’s voice, something Eggsy didn’t want to leave him alone to face, but he couldn’t really refuse without pushing his luck, or the limits of Harry’s patience. He’d pushed things far enough for the moment. He would let Harry retreat, hide what he wanted to.

Eggsy threw him a lazy salute. “Aye aye.” He smiled when Harry rolled his eyes, but there was fond exasperation on Harry’s lips, even as the creases near his eyes were tightened from the hurt.

He sauntered to the door, pausing halfway out of it to turn back for one last look. Harry was still watching him, something off still in his eyes. Eggsy held his eyes for a moment, trying to figure out what Harry was hiding there. Then he turned and left, leaving Harry to his thoughts. He could go check on Harry again later, make sure he actually slept.

Maybe he’d go visit Merlin. If he got some sleepy-Merlin cuddles out of it, that was a bonus.

Eggsy’s heart ached, and for a second he let himself feel. Yeah, he was treading on thin ice. He was so far gone for both of them it was fuckin’ ridiculous, yet he couldn’t help himself from sliding just in front of them, helping or fussing or whatever was needed. He was going to crash, he was going to burn, and it was going to hurt like hell.

But for now, he’d take what he could get. He turned towards Merlin’s lab, more deliberate in his movements. He could deal with it. It wasn’t the worst thing that had happened in his life.

Certainly he could keep things from spinning out of control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There shall be Important Conversations in the next chapter! Along with a probable rearranging of living situations.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a kind and benevolent fanfic overlord. And okay, I really, really didn't want to edit the book I finished today. Shhhh.

Merlin woke up slowly. First he could hear faint noise, the sound of someone breathing. Then he could feel his arm around someone, holding them close. He was wrapped around them, possessive.

Only mildly alarmed, he forced his eyes open, only to be greeted by familiar sandy-blonde hair. It was just Eggsy, then.

Oh. What?

It was a struggle to drag his mind back online. He started by taking an assessment of the current situation. He was on a bed. Fully dressed (except for his shoes, he discovered when he wiggled his toes). Eggsy was also in the bed. He had obviously been planning for sleep, in a cotton shirt and sweatpants.

The mug of tea flashed back in his mind. The knock-out drug Eggsy had put in it, the way he’d looked just a hint too innocent. Merlin scowled at the back of Eggsy’s head, as if it would do anything. Especially since the nape of Eggsy’s neck looked so kissable.

Part of him debated just laying there for a while longer, enjoying Eggsy next to him. But since he wasn’t technically supposed to be consorting with Eggsy (although Eggsy was the one who came and consorted with him, so what rule did that fall under?), he figured he should probably get up.

He yawned, then blinked, slowly, gingerly letting go of Eggsy. Eggsy, who grumbled quietly but then tipped forward, apparently going back to sleep. Merlin slowly sat up, stretching and biting back a yawn that threatened to rip his face in two. He never felt rested, not really, but this was a pretty good approximation.

Where was the clock? Oh, and he couldn’t see. He turned towards the bedside drawer, peered at it suspiciously, getting close enough that he could see his glasses were there.

Well, at least Eggsy was thoughtful.

He slid the glasses on, wincing when he blinked and prompted the long, incoming list of messages. Half of which had been answered, he noticed with mild surprise. Exactly how long had he been asleep? He glanced down at his watch, mildly reprimanding himself for sleeping with it on. It was too valuable.

His eyebrows shot through the ceiling.

9:12pm. He blinked, blinked again, and peered at the watch intently just in case the world had gone to shit and he was now insane. What.

Carefully he edged out from underneath the covers, certain his watch was a flagrant liar and determined to prove it. Yet his computer said the same thing, and sitting there in his office chair, clothes wrinkled, Merlin had to come to terms with the fact he’d slept eleven hours. That was more sleep than he’d gotten most of the week. All at once.

He couldn’t even think of the last time he’d slept more than three hours in one go. Eleven at once seemed impossible. He glared at the computer, as if it was its fault. Steeling himself, he opened up his work email and…

Was pleasantly surprised. He blinked, then blinked some more, and really this day could be more normal now, please and thanks. The emails were already sorted by urgent and non-urgent, the majority of the non-urgent sent off to other handlers or Lyonnesse. Even a few of the urgent ones had been answered, mostly with a polite insult of the email-er’s intelligence for daring to label such a trifling problem urgent.

He leaned back in the chair to stare suspiciously at the man asleep in the bedroom. Then he double-tapped the frame, waiting for it to connect him to the mainframe. “Lyonessee?”

“Yes, Sir?” Lyonnesse responded promptly.

“Why are half of my emails answered?” Merlin turned back to the computer after one more suspicious look in Eggsy’s direction.

“That’s what we were ordered to do, Sir.” There was a humor lurking under her voice.

“Ordered.” Merlin repeated the word, just in case he hadn’t heard it right the first time.

“Yes, Sir,” Lyonessee said.

“By who?” Merlin pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I can’t remember, sir.” There was a bright, eager sound to her voice, like she was trying not to laugh.

“Then why did you listen?” Merlin asked, exasperated.

“It was someone important, I’m certain.” Her voice was cheeky now.

Merlin opened his mouth to say something, then realized he didn’t know what to say. Thank you wasn’t right. “Get out of my inbox,” he finally settled on.

“Aye aye, Sir,” Lyonnesse replied cheerfully, then she disconnected the call.

Merlin turned to look at the bedroom, not wanting to move too much and risk disturbing Eggsy. Obviously the lad had orchestrated this. Had not only knocked him out, but ensured he wasn’t going to be disturbed. Something dangerously close to affection threatened to bubble up in his chest, so he forced it down.

Or tried to, anyway. He wasn’t a fucking softy.

Okay, that was a lie. He sort of was. But no one could know. He had a reputation to maintain.

Eggsy had gone out of his way to ensure that Merlin was taking care of himself, and if Merlin had to bet, Eggsy had looked after Harry, too. But he remembered the way Eggsy had looked at him, out of the corner of his eyes when he thought Merlin wasn’t looking. The sadness there, the regret lurking underneath the surface.

Surely Eggsy couldn’t think that he didn’t matter.

Now that he actually had some sleep under his belt, he rewound the play-by-play of the past few days in his head, taking a look at it with a brain that wasn’t entirely addled by a lack of sleep. Even went as far back as the sex post-V-day. Surely Eggsy couldn’t have misinterpreted  _ that _ .

Oh.  _ Oh _ .

It was there, not just in the way Eggsy had turned away when he was standing with Harry, the way he looked at them, his chin dipping before he raised it and squared his shoulders, as if he was reassuring himself that things would be fine, that he was strong enough. It was there even after V-day and before Harry had come back, the way Eggsy watched him as if he was afraid he was going to turn and run.

Part of Merlin grumbled. He was going to have to actually talk to Eggsy about this. About... _ feelings _ or something.

But first, he needed to talk to Harry. It wasn’t that Harry was a higher priority, it was that he wanted Harry in on it. Quite literally, but also figuratively, depending on your definition.

Merlin wasn’t entirely unfamiliar with non-traditional relationships; Eiric had a boyfriend and a wife at the same time. She’d turned out…

Well, okay. Normal wasn’t the right word. But fine. Sassy. Rude.

A prat.

It was just never something he’d been inclined to himself. That, and the fact his job kept him busy enough for three people was also a factor. But the two men he was considering were also part of his job. Which presented its own challenges, given the inherent ethical considerations. In the (unlikely, in Merlin’s opinion) event Eggsy would ever require disciplinary hearings, both he and Harry would have to recuse themselves from the board.

Yes, that was exactly how he should start a conversation.  _ “Shall we have a threesome, and oh, by the way, if you’re ever in trouble…” _

He rolled his eyes at himself. It wasn’t the ethical dilemmas that bothered him, not really. They could come up with a plan at work and as long as Eggsy was consenting and willing, the age difference didn’t bother him too much. He just would try not to think about the fact he was as old as Eggsy’s mother. Had been older than Eggsy’s dad when he died.

Merlin winced. Harry had presented the medal; did Eggsy know Merlin had been there when Lee died? Shit. Merlin didn’t even know where to start with that.

Part of him blanched at the thought, part of him shrugged. You only lived once, eh? If V-day had taught him anything, if the aftermath had confirmed it, it was that life was too short. And Merlin had already spent enough of it dicking away, getting nothing useful done outside of what the organization needed to survive.

Yes, Kingsman was important. But so was he. Or something. That was Eggsy’s area, okay? Not his. He decided to leave that lecture to Eggsy, because he was fairly certain Eggsy would be more than happy to give it to him as many times as needed. Perhaps with a scotch bottle involved.

He looked down at his clothes, made a face. He was going to have to change. Not just because they were wrinkled, but he was certain he’d been wearing that sweater at least since he had woken up last, and he didn’t want to think about how long ago that was. Time passed quickly, when insomniacs were having fun. Said no one ever.

Still, he looked inside the bedroom one more time, studying Eggsy and the way he slept. He looked so vulnerable, so young. But there was a hardness to his face, a way to his body that spoke of the experience he had that belied his years. It wasn’t age alone that made one young. It was a lack of life experience, and Eggsy had more than enough of that.

He locked the lab behind him, protecting Eggsy, then headed back to the spare suite that was essentially his at HQ. Yes, he had a house, but he was there twice a month, max. Or had been, since V-day. Before that he was home twice a week. When he wasn’t at Harry’s.

It was annoyingly difficult to picture what his house looked like, it had been so long. He knew he had a tech setup there, an office he could work from as needed. It’d taken him months to get it approved, and then it was only used a handful of times before Merlin essentially moved to HQ. His home would also be easy to set up with cameras, as needed; ones that could be monitored both from home and remotely.

An idea started ticking over in his mind. He definitely was going to need Harry’s permission for this one. And not just Harry’s, but Fay’s too.

He stopped mid-step, just about to enter his bedroom. He needed a bribe. But what exactly could he bribe Fay with? Fay had a glare that threatened to eat him for breakfast and spit him out for seconds. And he terrified the rest of the medical staff, so he couldn’t exactly ask them for advice.

Coffee. The  _ good _ stuff, the stuff he kept hidden. That was perfect.

He went into the bedroom, pulling out another set of clothes. A shower wouldn’t hurt either, especially to shake off the lingering drowsiness pulling at the corner of his mind. He stripped, tossing his clothes into the appropriate hamper (Harry was a stickler for that, so Merlin had picked it up), and showered in five minutes flat.

When he was overseeing three ops at once, he didn’t have the luxury of long showers. It was to the point it felt weird to stay any longer than five minutes, unless there was someone else in there with him. And in that case, his attention wasn’t really on the shower.

He liked showers so hot the water felt like it was scalding his skin, especially when he got out and was hit by the cool air. The contrast made his skin prickle, goosebumps popping up. It should have felt miserable, but it was an adrenaline rush that never failed to wake him up.

No wonder he did it so often.

He dressed in his standard clothes, jumper-and-tie and his nice slacks. A suit was the Knight’s armor, but Merlin preferred his attire. It was much less pretentious, and allowed him to navigate different social circles more easily, if he had to. Not that Merlin spent much time out in the field, not anymore.

It took him a few seconds to find the emergency tablet he stashed in the bedroom. It wasn’t as nice as his clipboard, but it would do until he made his way back to the lab. Besides, he wasn’t using it for anything serious. He just felt awkward without something tech-y in his hands. He picked up the stylus, tucking it into the appropriate part of the case, before he tucked the tablet in the crook of his arm. He gave the room a quick sweep with his eyes, just in case there was anything else he needed.

Satisfied there was nothing, he turned on his heels and headed out of the bedroom. He locked it behind him, enabled the retinal scan. That was the advantage of being the head of Kingsman’s tech divisions; he could add any sort of technology he wanted to wherever he was.

And as a former employee of the medical division, he knew what sort of biometrics they didn’t want to deal with hacking if he got on their nerves or didn’t want an exam. He made a note to make sure Eggsy never found out about that. The last thing the lad needed was any more excuses to hide from Medical.

Merlin started the walk to Medical, pleased that it really wasn’t that far away. Not much time had passed; Harry was almost certainly awake. If he’d been awake at 4am the other day, he would be awake now. It was strange; Harry had always been a heavy, regular sleeper. But Merlin had almost specialized in neurology before he had been recruited, he knew what happened with head wounds. For all that Harry was pretending he was fine, he knew there was more underneath it.

He just wasn’t certain if he could get Harry to admit it.

**

Time had lost all meaning. Harry laid in bed, staring at the wall, certain this was the world’s way of torturing him. He had managed three hours of sleep last night, and that involved nine hours of laying in the dark, eyes mostly closed, practicing every fucking breathing exercise under the sun.

Irritation prickled under his skin, frustration, helplessness. Fay, the scariest of the medical staff, had mentioned a shrink and Harry’s expression had sent her running, at least metaphorically. Even if it was with an eyeroll and an exasperated sigh. It wasn’t the first time he had talked to a Kingsman psychologist, and depending on his recovery it wouldn’t be the last, but the last thing he wanted to do was talk to a  _ stranger _ about his feelings about being…

Whatever he was. He refused to think the d-word. He wasn’t disabled.

He looked down at his hands, hands that shook more than they ever had.

_ It’ll fade with time _ , one voice assured him.

_ Temporary side effects _ , agreed another.

It was the same discussion he had gotten from the American doctors he had consulted, over and over again. Traumatic brain injuries were unpredictable. There was no saying what would stay, what would leave. Rehab would help, and would…

He gritted his teeth, sifting through his mind to try and find the word he wanted, but the words slipped through his fingers like grains of sand, leaving him sitting there, eyes half-closed, trying to remind himself why he was still alive.

There was a knock on the door, and Harry’s eyes flew open. He leaned against the back of the bed, calmed his expression and wiped any distress off of it. If it was Fay, he didn’t want her to see that anything was wrong. If it was anyone else - well, Harry wasn’t anywhere back to normal. But he could still defend himself.

The door hissed open, revealing Merlin standing there, as calm and steady as he pleased.

Harry let his shoulders sag slightly, some of the tension bleeding out in an effort to avoid a tension headache. He hid things, yes, but he was smart enough to know there was only so much he could hide from his oldest friend or… whatever-Merlin-was.

The door hissed behind Merlin as he stepped in, and Merlin’s hand slid in his pocket. Some gadget, Harry assumed. He knew the rooms were monitored, probably bugged. He also knew based on what Merlin had said last time, that he didn’t particularly care if anyone was listening. Which gave Harry the impression that no one actually was listening, because Merlin wasn’t letting them.

Merlin didn’t say anything as he sauntered in and settled in the armchair, one leg crossed over the other and a tablet resting on top of his thigh. Harry studied him in silence, drawing some reassurance from the spark that flared between them. There was a reason he and Merlin had ended up together. Not consistently, no, but enough that Harry always wanted more.

The silence spooled out between them as Harry’s mind drifted to their prior conversation. He kept his grimace off his face; it was like trying to sort through a pile of cotton to find a single white thread. He knew there had been a conversation, knew roughly what it was about, but trying to find it, trying to remember its specific contents, evaded him. Feelings were easier to remember than words, but they weren’t nearly as helpful.

“You look like shit,” Merlin informed him.

Harry laughed, startled. “It’s what happens when you’re shot in the head.”

Merlin’s eyes narrowed to slits, suspicion easily read. “And when you’re hiding things from friends, hm?”

Harry’s hands twitched in front of him, but he didn’t let his gaze flicker or the polite smile on his face fade. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “I’ll deal with that later.”

That caught Harry’s attention. So scolding Harry about his horrible lying ability wasn’t Merlin’s main agenda, then. That was unexpected. Harry tilted his head to the side, an eyebrow raising in polite, gentlemanly question.

“I want to talk about Eggsy.” Merlin uncrossed his legs, setting his tablet to the side and putting his elbows on his knees so he could rest his head on his clasped hands.

Harry blinked. He kept himself from blinking again by sheer willpower, instead looking down at the sheets bunched up around his waist on top of his pajamas and dressing gown. “What about him?”

“You fancy him.” Merlin apparently wasn’t going to beat around the bush, or any semblance thereof.

“I don’t see how that’s relevant to this conversation.” It wasn’t a denial; he was too tired for a denial. But it was as much of one as he could manage.

“It is.” Merlin raised an eyebrow.

Harry studied him for a few moments, trying to see what was written on his face. There was something devious there, something thoughtful. Merlin looked far too pleased with himself for Harry’s comfort. “What are you saying?”

Merlin’s eyes flickered away from his and then back, something that Harry found infinitely comforting. Merlin wasn’t as cocky as he seemed, then. He was human, deep underneath the jumper. “Eggsy seems to be under the impression that we’re together.”

Harry simply hummed at that. That was something he and Merlin had never talked about, not really. It had never been a thing before. Yes, they fell into bed sometimes, but it didn’t require words, just touches and kisses and bites and getting lost in the other’s body. “I wonder how he -”

“He has eyes, Harry.” Merlin’s voice was a drawl, his brogue thicker in exasperation.

Harry pressed his lips into a thin line, ignoring the way it made his head throb. He wasn’t going to think about that, wasn’t going to think about Kentucky or anything else. Merlin had watched, he remembered hearing his voice. But Merlin had seen far worse throughout Harry’s time in Kingsman, having been his handler since Harry ascended to Galahad.

He twined his hands together, knuckles white as he tightened his grip in order to distract himself with the pain.

“Harry, don’t be obtuse.” Merlin sighed. “You like the lad, I like the lad.”

Harry arched an eyebrow, the pain in his hands forgotten. “What exactly are you saying?”

“It doesn’t have to be an either/or situation, the three of us.” Merlin tilted his head to the side, a questioning look there.

Harry just stared at him. “Eggsy is half our age,” he said flatly.

“So?” Merlin looked at him, cool as a cucumber.

Harry sort of hated him at the moment. Hated him a lot, really.

“You two are a lot alike,” Merlin said, leaning back in the armchair and draping his arms over the side. “Reckless. Stubborn. Hide everything behind a pretty smile.” The way Merlin looked at him held no doubt that he knew Harry was full of shit, and that he was just being kind and letting Harry get away with it.

“You actually slept.” Harry studied him, having put the pieces together. It was rare he saw Merlin that relaxed, that happy. He felt a flash of jealousy. Eggsy. It had been Eggsy. He shoved it down; that wasn’t his problem, wasn’t anything he had a right to be thinking about. Neither Eggsy nor Merlin was his.

“Eggsy may have misappropriated a knock-out dart from his watch.” Merlin’s voice was dry, and Harry could hear a sulk underneath it. Merlin did hate to be outsmarted. And Eggsy always looked so innocuous, it was easy to forget how devious his mind was.

“Smart,” Harry said, humming his approval.

Merlin glared at him. Harry just looked back, eyebrows raised.

“You’re dodging the question,” Merlin pointed out.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Harry said, aware he was being stubborn and mulish and why was he so against it, exactly?

He closed his eyes when it hit him, not wanting to see Merlin reading the expressions that would flash over his face. He was still shattered, his guards down. He didn’t want either of them to get stuck with him, an old, broken man who would never be whole. Both Merlin and Eggsy,  _ especially _ Eggsy, deserved someone better. Someone who could take care of them, look after them.

Not someone whose brain was actively fighting against even the simplest things.

It wasn’t something that had bothered him, prior to being shot. Yes, he was aware he was growing older, a hint of silver dyed away and lines appearing on his face that were part age, part life experience. Kingsman aged a man. Before, he wouldn’t have thought much more than a few seconds before agreeing to what Merlin had proposed.

But he wasn’t that same person.

“Harry.” Merlin’s voice was soft.

Fuck. He could read Harry like a book. He let himself think all of his uncharitable thoughts about Merlin, including a few swear words, before he opened his eyes. Merlin had leaned forward again, his light eyes flickering with concern behind his glasses. He was studying Harry as intently as if he was a portrait in the Louvre, something to be treasured. Cherished.

He was quite familiar with that expression. He’d seen Eggsy toss it in Merlin’s direction, once or twice. And if he’d ever seen Eggsy toss it in his direction - well, he wasn’t thinking or talking about it. It was wishful thinking.

“I’m going to ask Fay to release you into my care.” Merlin dropped that bombshell as casually as if he’d said it was Tuesday.

Harry didn’t actually know if it was Tuesday. He didn’t really care, either.

“Good luck,” Harry said finally, out of a lack of anything else to say.

“Eggsy, too,” Merlin continued.

Harry blinked. “What?”

“Oh, that got your attention, did it?” Merlin tilted his head, a knowing, mocking smile on his face. It wasn’t a bad sort of mocking, more the understanding type. Harry hadn’t even known mocking could feel understanding. “He’s started physical therapy for a hairline fracture in his leg, and has aggravated his healing ribs. He’s got another week or two of upper-body restriction, and is probably three to four weeks from resuming full field duty.”

Harry winced; he could do the math. “He’s been out the entire time?”

Merlin hummed his agreement. “Took quite a beating, going after Valentine.” He sighed. “For all Eggsy cares for others, he does a shit job of looking after himself.”

“Pot calling the kettle, hm?” Harry arched an eyebrow, his face the picture of smug.

“Like you have any room to talk,” Merlin retorted, but there wasn’t heat there. It was a friendly banter, almost, a mutual admission of their inability to look after themselves without the help of someone half their age.

And yeah, they’d gotten this far. But Harry would have been lying if he said he really took care of himself. Sure, he cooked on occasion, but takeout was much easier when the last thing he wanted to do after a long mission was stand and stare at the stove. It was easy enough to take the minimum time off between missions, before heading to the next. Merlin’s insomnia was beyond out of control, yet Eggsy had taken it upon him to look after that, too.

Harry cleared his throat. “I…” He trailed off, not sure how to finish that sentence. He wasn’t saying yes, not to everything. He wasn’t even going to admit to his problems, to everything that was going on. He cleared his throat again to buy himself a few more seconds. “If Dr. Fay agrees, I suppose I don’t object.” Good luck with  _ that _ , Merlin.

To his surprise, Merlin chuckled. “You never did address my other question.” His face stilled, a warmth there that always caught Harry off guard. Harry didn’t let himself think about feelings, didn’t let himself think about others except what he wanted to do to them, but the way Merlin smiled, the way he moved - Harry found himself watching without meaning to, tracking his movements and the efficiency with which he operated.

Eggsy was similar but different. His movements were more subtle, honed after years of living in a place where showiness was only used as a scare gesture and not actually as a technique. He was lithe grace, a shorter, deadlier package. There was a joy to him, though, when he was walking when he thought no one else could see him. He seemed to hum to music only he could hear, do a few dance moves when he thought no one was watching. He cut loose in a way that neither Merlin nor Harry allowed themselves to.

Not that Harry watched him. Nope. He totally didn’t have a tablet hidden under his pillow. Harry wasn’t a voyeur, not really (that was Merlin’s division), but it got bloody boring sitting in the hospital room all day with limited interaction. Hacking into Merlin’s cameras was one of the few things entertaining him.

When he looked back up, Merlin was standing in front of him, looking down at him in a way that made Harry distinctly uncomfortable. He sort of hated when Merlin looked at him like that, like he could see past all of Harry’s shields and see what was underneath. He probably could, too. Bloody wizard.

“May I?” Merlin touched his chin, tilted his face up.

He should have said no. He meant to say no. To say yes was to admit to a whole lot more than he wanted to, to even vaguely agree with Merlin’s inane plans. Surely he was wrong. Eggsy couldn’t fancy him, much less both of them.

But Harry heard himself inhale sharply, felt his head nod almost without permission, a slight movement not to dislodge Merlin’s hand. Then Merlin’s lips were against his, warm and familiar. It was a chaste kiss, not full of passion like after a mission, adrenaline surging through their veins and using each other as a way to get it out. This was softness and sweetness, like they had all the time in the world.

And as much as Harry didn’t want to, it was easy for his traitorous, treacherous mind to picture Eggsy there, sitting next to the side, watching the two of them with a smile on his face as he waited for his kiss.

When Merlin pulled back, the smugness on his face was almost unbearable.

Harry scowled, as ferociously as he could. “Go away,” he informed Merlin.

Merlin chuckled, then leaned in and kissed him once more. “I’m going to bring him by.”

Harry’s heart almost stumbled over itself. “Merlin.”

Merlin half-turned, stopping near the door with his hand in his pocket.

Harry cleared his throat, trying to hide his distress. “Surely that is a conversation best left for a private setting?”

Merlin pulled a small box out of his pocket, raised his eyebrows.

“A properly private setting.” Harry wasn’t procrastinating, he really wasn’t. He wasn’t trying to avoid the whole conversation, and that was assuming Merlin got Fay to agree to his inane plan, which was about as likely as Merlin growing a full head of hair overnight (and truly, Harry preferred him bald).

Harry sort of wanted to punch the smug smile off of Merlin’s face, but instead he sat there like a proper gentleman and kept his hands to himself. It wasn’t going to happen, he reminded himself. It was the equivalent of a snowball’s chance in hell.

“We’ll see,” Merlin said, his voice cocky. “We’ll see.”

Harry glared at him before he disappeared out of the door.

**

Eggsy woke up in the bedroom by himself, stretching and relaxing his muscles. It hurt, yeah, especially when he pulled at his ribs, but it was the best night’s sleep he’d had in a while.

And yeah, he knew why that was. He’d gone and curled up with Merlin, who had drawn him as close as he would have if he’d been awake. It probably wasn’t the best thing to do, but considering Merlin hadn’t woken him up screaming, it obviously hadn’t been that bad.

Eggsy cringed at himself and at his behavior. So much for not getting between the two of them. He stifled a yawn behind his hand, stretching his leg to see how it was feeling before he took a deep breath. Physical therapy was going to be boring, but it couldn’t be any worse than roaming around the mansion with nothing to do, waiting to be cleared. Watching his Mum let Dean inch his way back into her life, no matter what he said.

Hanging out with Merlin and helping with the paperwork was his main respite during the day. He’d wanted to go down to Harry’s room, talk to him, but after the whole thing with him and Merlin, Eggsy was chicken. Not that he was really chicken, but there was knowing you had no chance with someone, and having it confirmed by it being shoved in your face.

Eggsy liked wishful thinking, at least for a while. He could imagine that he was waking up in their bed, Merlin or Harry behind him, or hell, go all out. Merlin on one side and Harry on the other. Monogamy wasn’t the end-all, be-all. He hadn’t really seen other types of relationships, but he knew they existed, at least in theory. Besides, his Mom and Dean were proof that heterosexuality and monogamy didn’t always lead to happiness.

“Sleep well?” Merlin’s voice caught him off guard, and he jolted in the bed.

He turned to look at Merlin, who was leaning against the doorway with a mostly blank expression. Still, there was a hint of amusement at the corners of his eyes, the way his lips looked like they were struggling not to curve into a smile.

“Did, ta.” Eggsy stretched his arms up, not missing Merlin looking at the thin band of skin it bared of his stomach. It was worth the stab in his ribs. “You?” He grinned, not at all self-conscious.

Something flickered across Merlin’s face, something Eggsy couldn’t read. It didn’t entirely scare him, not really, but it did set him on edge. Had he overstepped? Had something happened with Harry?

“You aren’t mad?” Eggsy said the words cautiously, hating that he had to ask them and ask for reassurance.

“I haven’t slept that long in years,” Merlin said wryly. His arms were crossed over his chest now, a tablet held loosely in his hand.

Eggsy didn’t even know what he looked like, without a tablet in his hand. Okay, that was a lie. He did know. But Merlin never looked properly dressed without one. “Good,” Eggsy said, back to entirely unrepentant.

“You’re to start physical therapy next week.” Merlin tilted his head to the side.

Eggsy looked at him, quizzical. “Yes?” He dragged the word out, cautious. It wasn’t like Merlin to state the obvious.

“You’ll be doing so as an outpatient.” Merlin uncrossed his arms, glanced at his tablet and tapped a few buttons with a frown, then re-crossed them, all in the span of a few seconds. Eggsy wasn’t entirely certain what to make of that.

“What?” Eggsy said, his brain sort of crashing a bit. It was unfair how much Merlin was the cause of that, really.

“I got Fay’s permission to supervise both your and Harry’s rehabilitation.” Merlin looked entirely too smug now. “And for you to be released from the mansion, provided you stay in a suitable environment.”

“How the hell did you do that?” Eggsy was impressed. Fay was like a steel wall, something you didn’t try and move. If you did, she just sat there and stared at you until you gave in and did what she wanted. And she always got what she wanted.

Just when Eggsy thought Merlin couldn’t look more like a cat that ate the canary, he did. It sort of made Eggsy want to gag or roll his eyes. He settled for the latter.

“Who says I agree to that?” Eggsy stood and then crossed his arms, putting the conversation back on more equal ground. Or as equal as it got, when Merlin was staring at him like that. That was an expression he didn’t mess with, either.

Merlin arched an eyebrow. “It’s either that or you get to sit here while I work from home.”

Eggsy scowled. That wasn’t fair. “I thought you couldn’t work from home.” He wasn’t even aware Merlin had a home. “I thought you lived here.”

Merlin chuckled. “I do indeed have a house outside of the mansion.” He paused. “It just doesn’t get used very frequently.” He frowned, tapping a few more keys before he tucked the tablet away again.

Eggsy scowled at him for a while longer, only halfway annoyed that Merlin’s expression didn’t change one whit. He frowned. “Where will Harry be?”

“Under the same roof.” Merlin looked cheerful now.

Eggsy considered punching him, and then decided against it. The subsequent walloping would probably put him out of commission for a while longer, and it was already bad enough. “Wait, we’re comin’ to live with you?” He rewound the conversation in his head. Suitable environment. Merlin’s home. Another crash and burn.

“I have adequate bedrooms, I assure you.” Merlin’s lips twitched like he was trying hard not to smirk, like he was privy to a joke that Eggsy didn’t yet understand.

Oh god. Him, Merlin, Harry, all under the same roof. No matter the size of the house, it wasn’t going to be big enough. He’d run into both of them, over and over. See them together. But if Merlin was going to be working, maybe he could hang out with Harry when he wasn’t in rehab. See if he could get Harry to crack and spill some of those secrets he was hiding.

His brain hit the STOP button. He was seriously considering it? It was inane. It was  _ beyond _ inane. Eggsy was a masochist, but not  _ that _ bad. He turned to look at Merlin, who looked like he was carved out of marble. He hadn’t moved anything other than his eyes, still focused on Eggsy and seemingly amused at his mental breakdown.

Eggsy cleared his throat, ignoring the twitch of Merlin’s eyebrow. He scrubbed a hand through his hair, ignoring the fact he was in his pajamas as he moved so he could lean against the wall, mimicking Merlin’s posture and raising an eyebrow back. “Fine.”

There was the smirk on Merlin’s lips, but it was gone so fast before Eggsy could put the pieces together. “Pack your belongings,” Merlin said pointedly. “Tomorrow afternoon we leave the mansion.”

Merlin turned around in that oh-so-dramatic way of his and left the bedroom, and apparently his lab. Where was he going? Not that Eggsy really gave it a ton of attention at the moment. He’d apparently just agreed to move in with the two men he was sort of madly in love with, who were together without him, because…

Eggsy sighed and ran a hand over his face, heading into the bathroom. Because he would take what they could give him. Even if it never went any farther than it was now, even if all he got was their friendship or mentoring, he would take it, because he was that fucking head over heels. He stared into the mirror, staring at his reflection.

Part of him looked terrified, the wide eyes of the startled. But there was a giddiness, a hope there that Eggsy thought the Estates had stomped out of him long ago. It wasn’t good, not really. Eggsy knew that anything like that meant he was jonesing for a fall. But he could handle it.

Besides, he told himself virtuously. Someone had to be there to make sure that Harry and Merlin took decent care of themselves, since they were absolute shite at it. There. That was why he was doing it. It was charity. His duty as a mentee to ensure his mentors didn’t off themselves because they were idiots.

Yeah, yeah, they’d survived without him, but whatever. Eggsy didn’t need logic interfering at the moment, ta very much.

Satisfied with whatever mental gymnastics he’d managed to pull, he headed back to his bedroom. A shower would help him shake off the lingering sleepiness. And well...if he wanked to the thought of Merlin and/or Harry being in there with him? No one would know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be Merlin's lunch with Eiric and them moving into their new...digs. So to speak.
> 
> Still trying to figure out how many bedrooms is an adequate number. ;)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here there be conversations. Important ones. And progress! But also a very long chapter oops.

Merlin sat at his lab desk, an unfinished mug of tea in front of him. After last time, he wasn’t taking any chances. Even if that meant Eggsy was sitting in his chair near the camp bed, sulking.

“If I was going to drug you again, I wouldn’t do it the same way,” Eggsy pointed out, reiterating the argument that had taken up the prior twenty minutes.

“Not taking any chances.” Merlin pushed it away, only half teasing. The other problem was that it was cold now, and he didn’t touch cold tea.

Eggsy let out his breath in a huff.

Merlin glanced at the time, winced. An hour until he was supposed to meet Eiric for lunch. He already knew it was pointless to try and meet her elsewhere; she knew where the shop was and liked to visit. How was he going to duck away from Eggsy? Eggsy wasn’t stupid, he would know when Merlin was making an excuse to go somewhere else.

And there wasn’t even a meeting to blame it on.

Eggsy and Harry’s belongings for the next two to four weeks had already been packed, and Kingsman-approved movers were moving them into Merlin’s home. And hopefully not being vaporized by the security measures. He had disabled most of them, but he hadn’t slept since he had woken up the night before, so who knew.

Oh, and there were cleaners, too. Removing all the dust and whatnot that had built up while the house was abandoned. Lyonnesse had informed him he was leaving at two thirty, whether or not he was done with work. Merlin had only fussed a little. He’d handed training the candidates off to Percival, with Lancelot assisting.

Not that Merlin was completely giving it up. Come hell or high water, he’d be at the mansion at least three times a week to check on them. There was one in particular he was considering for the tech department, if only to steal her away from the Knights.

He did want to be home when Eggsy and Harry got there. Merlin had even had his car brought to the mansion so he could drive them there. It was easier than going from the shop; a much shorter trip.

Fay was talking to the medical staff; Merlin had the space for both Harry and Eggsy to accomplish their rehab there if they preferred, without having to return to the mansion each day. There was also transportation regularly to the mansion if they decided to go that way, although Merlin was somewhat worried that one of them would steal the car and go somewhere else. And by one of them, Merlin had his money on Harry.

He flipped through some of the latest reports from Lamorak and Gawain, Percival and Gareth. He knew them, knew that at least Lamorak was getting tired of reporting to him and had started hinting that he should be appointed as the new Arthur.

Over Merlin’s dead body.

He wasn’t going to admit to anyone, much less Harry, but he was hoping that Harry would recover sufficiently to take that position. He was one of the more experienced Knights, and one of the few with a decent head on his shoulders that wasn’t one of Arthur’s ilk. Lamorak would try and undo everything Merlin had done. Including Eggsy’s promotion.

“You okay?” Eggsy’s voice was wary.

Merlin blinked, coming back to himself, realizing he had tightened his hands on the desk. “Fine,” he said brusquely, turning back to his work.

Eggsy made a disbelieving noise, but apparently decided to be kind to Merlin’s blood pressure and not push him further. He seemed distracted. Maybe he was worried. Merlin had held off on the conversation; it didn’t feel right to have it without Harry there, since he was potentially a part of it. But Eggsy’s nerves made Merlin nervous.

For the first time since he’d kicked the whole thing off, he doubted his plan.

His comm crackled. “Merlin?” It was Dagonet from the shop, and he sounded nervous.

Merlin straightened up, immediately pulling open a roster of both the shop and the Mansion in case he needed to summon employees. “Yes?”

“That lady spy is here.”

Merlin froze, glanced at the clock. Oh, no. She wasn’t due for fifty minutes.

“Is something wrong?” Eggsy sounded closer, standing just behind Merlin.

“No.” Merlin scowled at the screen.

“Sir?” Dagonet sounded somewhat concerned.

Merlin rubbed a hand across his forehead. “Monitor her. I’ll be there soon.”

“Who?” Eggsy’s face screwed up. “Lance? She’s fine. Isn’t she in Serbia -”

“Yes, Lancelot is fine.” Merlin hesitated for a second, and then pulled up the shop’s feed. He was ninety nine percent certain that it was her, but it didn’t hurt to double-check.

Eggsy stepped closer, a hand on Merlin’s shoulder. It was enough to distract him from the sight of his sister on the screen, poking around the fabric like it was hers. Dagonet was standing nearby, watching her like a hawk.

“Who’s that?” Eggsy’s voice was cautious, and there wasn’t any doubt who he was talking about.

Merlin opened his mouth, then closed it mulishly. It wasn’t something he wanted to admit to.

“Merlin?” Eggsy was watching him now. “Who is that?”

Merlin sighed. He would find out soon enough. “Her name is Eiric.”

Eggsy’s hand moved away from his shoulder.

Merlin sighed again. “She’s my twin sister.” When he glanced at Eggsy out of the corner of his eyes, he saw curiosity warring with unbridled glee on his face.

“Your sister,” Eggsy repeated, apparently making sure. “Your twin sister.”

“Yes.” Merlin eyed the feed. Eiric was about his height, with long brown hair that was always tied neatly back. She was dressed in a bespoke suit from her local shop, the epitome of professionalism. She was a businesswoman, after all. Her eyes were as light as Merlin’s, and sharp, too, compared to Merlin’s more soft expression.

Depending on who you asked, anyway.

Eggsy inched towards the door. Merlin whirled to face him, his eyes narrowing. “Lad.” Merlin’s voice was warning.

“I need to pick up a new pocket square.” Eggsy’s voice was gleeful. “See you at the shop, Sir.” He winked and then darted off.

Merlin groaned and hid his face in his hand for a few moments, then got up to follow. The last thing he wanted was for Eggsy to meet Eiric unsupervised. Eiric was a force of nature on her own, much less with Eggsy there.

Harry had met Eiric once or twice, although Merlin wasn’t entirely certain Harry knew who she was. He tried to keep her identity secret. Not for security reasons, but so fewer people would ask about her. He loved Eiric, he did, but her ego could get out of control. Like any sibling.

This time fate was kind to him and he caught Eggsy just as he was entering the tube. Not that Merlin had been running; that would have been undignified. He just may have walked quite fast.

Eggsy sank into one of the chairs, his smile as smug as Merlin had seen it in a while. With a sigh Merlin sat opposite him. Eggsy had apparently found and slid on his suit jacket and done it up, completing his ensemble with his supposedly-confiscated Kingsman glasses. Merlin let that go. Of the many things on his list, that wasn’t one of them.

The childish part of Merlin sort of wished that Eggsy was dressed as he usually was, a t-shirt and gym pants. A constant reminder of what he wished he was doing. Once he went back to work, Eggsy would go back to the standard bespoke suit as his work uniform. But that was a few weeks away.

“What’s she like?” Eggsy asked, looking at Merlin out of the corner of his eyes.

“She’s CEO of her own company.” Merlin crossed one leg over the other, meeting Eggsy’s eyes. “Driven, focused. Ruthless.”

Eggsy considered his words. “That’s nicer than I expected you to say.”

“She’ll ask,” Merlin said.

Eggsy looked at him, intrigued. “I ain’t ever grassed anyone up.”

“She has her ways.” Even Merlin could only lie to his sister so much.

Eggsy hummed thoughtfully, and they rode the rest of their way in silence. Apprehension was building in Merlin’s stomach. He had planned to meet Eiric at the shop without Eggsy there, get her out of the building before she could cause much chaos. But of course she had showed up early. How had he expected anything else?

The tube slid to a stop, and Merlin said a prayer to any deity that was listening. If he was lucky, the shop would still be standing in the next five or ten minutes.

“What does she do?” Eggsy looked at him, eager curiosity written all over his face.

Merlin sighed. He had a feeling he was going to do that a lot today. “She’s CEO of a private security agency.” He paused. “And a defense contractor.” Another pause. “And a lot of things I can’t talk about.”

Eggsy boggled at him, then he laughed. “You’re taking the piss, yeah?”

Another sigh. “I wish.” He had his own suspicions about Eiric’s actual job, but like she gave him shit about his  _ IT for tailors _ job, he gave her shit back. Carefully.

Eggsy’s eyebrows shot up, and he suddenly looked apprehensive.

Merlin wished it was the moment he could shout surprise, and say that no, she owned a baking company. But nope.

“Does she know…” Eggsy’s voice trailed off as he gestured to the shuttle, which had almost completely stopped.

The corner of Merlin’s lips twitched. “She suspects,” he admitted. “You’ll see.”

The glee was back on Eggsy’s face.

Merlin rubbed a hand over his face as the shuttle door opened and Eggsy practically skipped out. He was going to kill someone, and at the rate it was going he wasn’t sure if that was going to be Eiric, Eggsy, or himself.

He managed to keep pace with Eggsy up the stairs, although it was a little faster than he would have liked given that Eggsy was taking them two or three steps at a time. Little shite.

Eggsy darted ahead of him once they were up on the second floor, and Merlin let him. He used a few moments to adjust his glasses, feeling almost naked without his tablet. It wasn’t like someone who was the head of IT for a tailoring shop needed something that high-tech. Not that Eiric ever quite believed the cover story, but it was the thought that counted.

When Merlin got down to the main floor, he caught sight of Eiric almost immediately. Of bloody course Eggsy was talking to her, ever the cheerful salesman, showing her different fabrics and discussing their pros and cons to make her...Merlin didn’t even care what. Something.

He cleared his throat.

Eiric looked up, immediately finding him. Merlin’s gaze flickered, unwillingly and unfortunately, to Eggsy, who was watching Eiric and Merlin with barely concealed delight. Eiric, of course, noticed Merlin’s change in focus and followed. Then her eyebrows went up.

Fuck. Bugger. Buggery fuck. She wasn’t going to let it go, either.

“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your coworker?” Eiric’s Scottish burr was the version she used to shake people off her trail. No one guessed that someone who sounded like her could kick their arse six ways before tea.

Merlin shot her a look. “Eiric, this is -”

“Eggsy Unwin, apprentice tailor.” Eggsy butted in with his charming smile, extending his hand for her to shake.

Merlin closed his eyes, then opened them, his polite smile on his face. He was going to kill Eggsy. Later, after he’d recovered and was cleared for duty. 

“Eggsy?” Eiric arched a perfectly manicured eyebrow.

Eggsy bowed, because of course he did. “At your service.”

Whatever Merlin had done to deserve this, he regretted it. So much.

“I’m Eiric,” she said, looking him over with an appreciative nod. Merlin held back the urge to stare at the ceiling.

“You’re married,” Merlin muttered.

Eiric shrugged. “Labels,” she scoffed. “Eggsy, this is my twin, Iain.”

That Merlin did wince at. “No one calls me that.”

“Mhm.” Eiric rolled the word out far too long, her eyes glittering.

Eggsy looked like Christmas had come early. Merlin turned to look at him, trying to impart the knowledge that if Eggsy called him that in front of anyone else, even Harry, he was going to do...something drastic. He didn’t know what, but it wouldn’t be fun. He hoped.

“So who do you work for, Eggsy?” Eiric crossed her arms over her chest, looking at Eggsy with interested eyes.

“We should probably get to lunch,” Merlin hedged, inching closer in an attempt to persuade her towards the door.

“Nonsense, Iain.” Eiric shot him a look he was quite familiar with. “I’m enjoying getting to know your coworker. In fact.” She turned to look at Eggsy, her smile widening. “Would you like to join us for lunch? Iain and I would quite appreciate the company. And I would be very interested in learning more about  _ tailoring _ .”

Eggsy seemed to genuinely consider this. Merlin stood at the metaphorical equivalent of on the edge of his chair. “Didn’t you already have your lunch break, Eggsy?” Merlin coughed.

Eggsy seemed to consider this, too, and when he met Merlin’s eyes he looked wicked. “Well yeah,” he allowed. “But I can always use up the rest of my breaks for the day.” He turned to look at Eiric. “Merlin’s a very forgiving boss.”

Eiric just looked at Merlin. Merlin, who was praying for patience.

“But, Merlin’s right,” Eggsy said with a disappointed sigh. “I have some work that needs attending to. We’re transferring some new patterns to fabric proper this evening.”

Eiric studied him, as if trying to decode what he was saying. Merlin didn’t give her the opportunity.

“Thanks, lad,” Merlin told him. “I’ll be back in an hour to help with those patterns.” He arched one eyebrow, stern. Eggsy just grinned wider, before he threw Merlin a cocky salute and sauntered back upstairs. Show-off.

Merlin didn’t drag his sister out of there, but it was close. They were a good block away from the tailor shop when Eiric slowed, her heels making a distinct noise against the pavement. Merlin kept going, then stopped, aware that she wouldn’t catch up. Once Merlin had stopped, a frown on his face, Eiric caught up.

“You’ve got yourself a puppy, I see,” Eiric said cheerfully. There was way too much glee on her face for Merlin’s liking.

“He’s not a puppy,” Merlin retorted automatically. And that was true. Eggsy had grown up, at least a little.

Eiric hummed. “He’s a bit young to be the one you’ve been shagging for so long.”

Merlin thanked anyone that was listening for his poker face. Her words were a kick to his gut, but he refused to let her know that. He just looked back at her, his expression blank.

“Ah, so you’re still shagging that one.” Eiric seemed pleased with her conclusion. “And the puppy, too?”

Merlin opened his mouth to deny it, then closed it. “It’s complicated.” That was putting it politely.

Eiric reached out and patted his arm. “Relationships always are, love.” She paused. “Now. Let’s talk about how much you’ve been sleeping.”

“Let’s not.” This time Merlin was the one who took off.

**

Eggsy stood on the second floor, peering out the window and watching Merlin and his sister - his  _ twin _ sister - disappear down the road. Huh. He considered the whole conversation, even as he headed back down towards the shuttle. Merlin was right; there was a good chance that Eiric knew what they were.

But the tables also turned the other way. If she wasn’t MI6 or something equivalent, Eggsy would eat his own shoe. No one had that bearing, that cocky confidence, that didn’t have their fingers in multiple pies. He’d seen it in Arthur, before his death.

Not that it was the best comparison; he cringed internally. Merlin wouldn’t have appreciated that.

He settled down in the shuttle, unbuttoning his jacket and tossing it to the side. He would change back into regular clothes later, once they were at Merlin’s.

Merlin’s. The place he was going to go live for two to four weeks while his rehab progressed. Not that he wouldn’t come back to the Mansion occasionally - he honestly doubted Fay was going to let him out of her sight that long - but it was still primarily off campus, so to speak.

He pulled out his phone and looked at it, scrolling through the contacts until his mother’s number popped up. Taking a deep breath, Eggsy dialed and tucked the phone to his ear.

“Hello?” His Mum’s words were slurred, which told him all he needed to know.

“Mum?” Eggsy swallowed thickly.

“Eggsy!” Mum sounded a bit better there, but he could hear the hint of alcohol behind her words. He had been home when she was drunk enough to identify that from a mile away. “Daisy’s missing you, love.” Eggsy could hear Daisy cry in the background, heard Mum pick her up and coo to her. “So’m I.”

“There’s a place for you when you want to leave,” Eggsy said, and the sound wasn’t his heart breaking, nope.

“It’s home,” Mum said, her voice sad. “This is home.”

Eggsy closed his eyes. It was easily the fourth time they had had that exact conversation, and nothing had changed. “Is Dean still coming around?”

A pause. “No,” Mum said.

That was a yes. “How’s Daisy?” He switched to a more neutral topic.

“Good.” Mum smiled. “She’s started talking, now. Asks about you.”

Eggsy wasn’t sure what hurt worst, out of the whole conversation.

“Are you taking care of yourself, love? I wish you’d come home.” He could hear the truth behind her words.

Eggsy cleared his throat. Part of him wanted to run home, protect his Mum. But he was also realistic. He knew there wasn’t anything he could make her do. She would have to decide to leave Dean. Otherwise, she would keep going back and there would be nothing Eggsy could do to stop it. “I am, ta.” Eggsy worried at his lower lip with his teeth. “I’m helping one of our new tailors get up to speed.”

“I’m so proud of you, love.” Mum’s voice was thick with both emotion and drink.

“Thanks.” Eggsy didn’t know what else to say to that. “Give Daisy a kiss for me, yeah? I’ll come visit soon.” He fucking hated that he’d been too chicken to visit more than twice in the past couple months. Both times he’d seen a bruise, both times Michelle had begged him to leave Dean alone.

It made the rage burn under his skin, made his mind go blank with fury. “Gotta go, Mum. Work calls!” When the pleasantries were done and his phone hung up, Eggsy tucked it back in his pocket, putting his head in his hands. He wasn’t going to cry; he was too strong for that. But god it hurt.

It hurt that he couldn’t fix it. It hurt that no matter what he did to Dean, Mum would go back to him, until she decided to leave. He could pluck her up from her life, move her to a new home, and she would still go back. And there wasn’t a fucking thing he could do about it.

“Fuck,” Eggsy hissed out, slamming his hands on the arm-rests. “Fuck.” He wanted to punch something, wanted to get the energy out, but he was still banned from strenuous upper body exercise and he was fairly certain that beating the crap out of a sandbag counted as strenuous.

The moment the shuttle stopped he bolted out of it. He stopped by his room, changed into something comfy. His suit, the reminder of his new job, felt stifling, like it was going to suffocate him. He didn’t regret saying yes to Harry, or joining the Kingsman, but sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder what his life would have been like otherwise.

If he had stayed home longer, not disappeared, would he have been able to get Mum away from Dean? Would things have changed at all? Or would he have been arrested, and Mum would have been left on her own? Or would V-day have happened anyway and they would have ended up dead?

The thought made him want to punch things, to cry. His feet, however, had different plans. When he looked up, the fog clearing from his mind, he was standing in front of Harry’s hospital suite. The suite that Harry would be leaving, to move in with him, in a couple short hours.

Eggsy hesitated, then shoved the door open and walked in. Harry was sitting on the side of his bed, head bowed, but lifted it to look at him when he entered. Alarm flashed over his face, almost like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t have, but his face stilled back into its usual pleasantness quickly enough.

“Eggsy,” Harry said, and he said Eggsy’s name in the warm way that made his stomach flutter. “I wasn’t expecting you.” Still, there was something pleased to the crinkle of his eyes.

“You look like shite,” Eggsy told him, frank.

The corner of Harry’s lips quirked up, like that was a saying he was now intimately familiar with. He probably was. “Your manners, as ever, are impeccable.”

“Sod off.” Eggsy sank into the armchair next to his bed, arms on the armrests and taking a few moments to study Harry. He was as devastatingly handsome as ever, his hair a bit unruly with a curl down on his forehead. He was dressed in green silk pyjamas, his dressing gown belted over. His slippers were worn, like he had had them a long time, but looked comfortable.

Eggsy let his eyes shift to Harry’s face. Harry watched him back, and Eggsy could almost see the guards he had in place, aware and anticipating almost anything Eggsy could throw at him. “How’re you doin’?” Eggsy asked, tilting his head to the side. He didn’t want to push his luck. Harry had opened up some last time, he didn’t want to push it too much further. “You don’t have to say, if you don’t wanna.”

Harry seemed caught off guard, both by the question and Eggsy’s follow-up comment. He was quiet for a few moments, so Eggsy let it hang in the air. If Harry changed the subject, he would follow. “I don’t quite know how to answer that,” Harry said finally.

A rush of warmth threatened to swamp Eggsy. That was the truth. Harry was actually  _ talking _ to him. “It’s all good, bruv,” he said, trying to keep the cheer from his voice. “Anything I can do t’help?”

Harry blinked, then looked at Eggsy. “No, but thank you.” He blinked again, then looked around the room, as if he couldn’t figure out what to do with his eyes. His hands were clasped together in his lap, but Eggsy could see his fingertips moving. “How are you?” The question felt stilted, almost like Harry wasn’t certain he had permission to ask.

Eggsy considered the question. “Ribs are still a mite tender,” he said, his hand on where it hurt the most. “But, I get to start beating shite next week.” He grinned, inviting Harry in on the joke.

And Harry did smile, even if it was a tired sort of one.

Eggsy narrowed his eyes slightly, trying to hide it, because he knew Harry would look away. It took a few seconds, but Eggsy saw the way his lips were pressed together a bit too thin, the faintest shake in his hands even when they were on his lap. He opened his mouth, closed it. “Harry.”

Harry blinked owlishly at him, apparently surprised by the direct address. It was true, usually Eggsy was more casual, but Harry was important. He warranted the direct approach.

“Can I get the -” Eggsy gestured in the direction of the loo.

Something alarmingly close to shame flickered on Harry’s face for less than a second, fast enough that Eggsy thought he might have been mistaken. Then Harry coughed, his expression clearing and the lines smoothing out. “That would be appreciated, thank you.”

Eggsy went and fetched the meds, same as last time, passing them to Harry with a glass of water. “Why don’t you keep them in here?” he asked, his hand still wrapped around the prescription bottle.

The corner of Harry’s lips twitched. “I try not to rely on them.”

“Bruv.” Eggsy crossed his arm, about as impressed as Daisy was when she was offered broccoli. “If you’re in pain, you use painkillers.”

“I’m not in pain,” Harry said on rote.

Eggsy rolled his eyes. “Tosh.”

Harry looked scandalized, but Eggsy could see the amusement tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Manners.”

“Maketh man.” Eggsy arched an eyebrow in his direction. “Do gentlemen lie, Harry Hart?”

Harry chuckled. “When appropriate.”

“I knew it.” Eggsy sank back into his chair, leaving the prescription bottle on the bedside table.

Harry looked at him, bemused.

“You make this shit up as you go, don’t you?” Eggsy snorted.

Harry’s face was a shade too innocent. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Mhm,” Eggsy drawled, but he was smiling now. Even the line of Harry’s shoulders had relaxed. “I met Merlin’s sister.” He said the words cautiously. If Harry and Mer - no, not if.  _ Since _ Harry and Merlin were a couple, Harry probably had met the woman - Eiric - before. The Scots and their strange names.

There was faint, dawning recognition in Harry’s eyes. And yeah, Eggsy would admit it to himself. It made his stomach sink. Harry had met Merlin’s family, then. Strike for wishful thinking. “She is quite...interesting.”

“That’s putting it politely,” Eggsy said with a sharp nod. “MI6, or I’d eat my shoe.”

Harry made a humming noise in agreement. “Are you…” The words trailed off, frustration crossing over Harry’s face. He was silent for a few moments, his eyes distant as if he was grappling with something. Then Harry cleared his throat, his eyes flickering towards Eggsy and then away. “Are you prepared for this afternoon?”

Eggsy mentally reviewed everything he had learned on brain injuries since Harry had returned. He couldn’t remember the fancy word for it, but Harry was probably searching for a word. It wasn’t uncommon for TBI patients to have trouble finding the words they wanted, or even understanding language. For someone like Harry, who was always so calm and collected, it had to be even more frustrating.

“Eggsy?”

Oh. Right. Harry had asked him a question. “Yeah,” he said with a nod. “You?”

Harry made a face. Eggsy bit back a grin; it was probably the least dignified he had ever seen Harry be.

“That’s a yes, innit?” Eggsy tried not to laugh, but it was a losing battle.

“Merlin is stubborn,” Harry said mulishly.

Eggsy swallowed to clear his throat, taking advantage of an opening. “Has he always slept like crap?”

Something Eggsy couldn’t read flashed over Harry’s face. “As long as I’ve known him, yes.”

Eggsy considered flat-out asking, but that seemed desperate and he wasn’t desperate. Not really. “Fuckin’ sucks,” he said instead.

“Indeed.” Harry tilted his head. “How have you been sleeping?”

Eggsy opened his mouth, and then closed it. He crossed his arms over his chest, leaned back. “Fine.”

Harry arched an eyebrow, his lips smug. “Not the only one keeping secrets, I see.”

Eggsy stuck his tongue out at Harry.

“Manners, Eggsy.” Harry couldn’t hide a smile, and it eased something inside of Eggsy’s chest. He hadn’t seen Harry look that relaxed in a long time. Probably since he had stolen the taxi from Kingsman, all those months ago.

“I should probably say goodbye to Rox,” Eggsy said after a few seconds of silence. It wasn’t technically goodbye, but Rox was getting ready to head on a mission to who-knew-where, and by the time she got back, he would be living at Merlin’s.

Yeah he wasn’t thinking about that quite yet. He could freak out over that later.

“I shall see you later, then.” Harry’s smile was a touch more genuine this time, not the fake smile he used when he was hiding.

Eggsy threw him a casual salute, and sauntered out the door.

**

Harry had never been to Merlin’s, and once they got there he knew why. The house was far bigger than he had expected. He did know that Merlin hated the hustle and bustle of London, so the fact that his house was only a half hour away from the Mansion wasn’t at all surprising. The fact that it had four bedrooms, a study, and who knew how many bathrooms (sans stuffed dogs) - that was the surprising bit.

He kept his pace measured and deliberate, poised and elegant and totally not dealing with any sort of balance issues. Merlin had given him the single bedroom on the ground floor, something Harry both appreciated and hated him for. He wasn’t  _ disabled _ , he could handle stairs. Just...okay, he was glad he didn’t have to on a regular basis. There was a banister, so he wouldn’t have been completely screwed, but it still wasn’t something he was particularly thrilled with.

Fay had sent him to Merlin’s with a list of exercises and a computer full of approved programs to use. Harry wasn’t entirely certain he planned to listen, but he also wouldn’t have been surprised if Fay was tracking his usage and planned to drop by in case he wasn’t doing what he was supposed to. He wasn’t sure whether that scared him more or less than potentially being caught doing what he was supposed to.

She had held to her promise, not revealing anything but the basics to Merlin when doing Harry’s discharge. General rehab, related to unspecific issues post gunshot wound to the head. Likely to return to full function.

Harry thought that last bit was bullshite, but Fay was the doctor and he would disagree with her in his own head.

Like the rest of his things, the laptop had already been moved into the bedroom. There was even a bathroom attached, and knowing Merlin, it was probably huge and over the top. Merlin had kicked him out before he had a chance to look.

“Fuckin’ posh,” Eggsy said, awe in his gaze as he stood in the middle of the living room. Merlin had bullied Harry out of his bedroom with pointed eyebrow raises, so the three of them sat in different spots in the largest space on the first floor. Harry was in an armchair, Eggsy on the sofa opposite him, and Merlin in another armchair looking entirely too pleased with himself.

Merlin and Eggsy had glasses of Scotch. Harry was stuck with a glass of water, which he glared at as if it was going to change Merlin’s mind. Fay had said no alcohol, so Merlin was sticking to it. Bastard. Although Harry had a feeling that at the moment he could have drowned himself in Scotch and it still wouldn’t have been enough.

Maybe if he hit Merlin with the bottle hard enough, Merlin would forget whatever insanity he was planning. It was a tempting thought.

He tuned back into the conversation. It was small talk, Eggsy asking about the house and Merlin answering the questions. Apparently the house had been in his family for years, and Kingsman paid ridiculously well. Plus Merlin sort of hated people. Just a bit.

“Harry and I have something we would like to discuss with you, Eggsy.” Merlin set the Scotch on the coffee table. Eggsy’s eyes flickered to Harry, and then looked infinitely amused.

Probably because Harry was certain he was doing a fabulous impression of a deer caught in headlights. Fucking Merlin.

That was not the right train of thought to be following at the moment.

“Yeah?” The amusement had faded from Eggsy’s face, leaving him looking apprehensive instead. His jaw was clenched, his arm resting on the back of the couch and his fingers fiddling with the fabric. 

Merlin looked at Harry expectantly, and Harry narrowed his eyes in return. He saw Eggsy move out of the corner of his eyes, now fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. Eggsy was looking at anything but them, his shoulders almost hunching in on himself.

He was expecting something bad to happen. To get told off, maybe? Inwardly Harry groaned. Merlin had been right, the utter, absolute wanker. And the absolute last thing he wanted to do was cause Eggsy more distress. Part of him wanted to gather Eggsy in his arms, hold him and kiss him until that look went away.

Oh, he was going to  _ kill _ Merlin. Painfully. Slowly.

He glared at Merlin with as much Gentlemanly Force as he could muster. Merlin just sat there, that eyebrow raised.

Harry was going to have to save plotting his death for later, when Eggsy didn’t look like he was about to be thrown out of an airplane. He cleared his throat, gratified when Eggsy’s eyes flickered back to him before they returned to somewhere that was determinedly not Harry or Merlin.

He cleared his throat in an attempt to gather more time. “Merlin and I were wondering, perhaps, if you…” The words slipped through his fingers like sand, and no matter how hard he tried to grab them they ran away. It was more of a struggle than he’d like to keep the frustration off his face, hide the way he clenched a hand into a fist. He hated his brain. He hated Merlin. It was a ridiculous idea in the first place, Eggsy was going to - 

“We’d like to fuck you, lad.” Merlin picked up his Scotch and tilted it at Eggsy, then took a sip, drinking the rest of it.

Harry scrubbed a hand over his face, feeling the beginnings of a headache.

Eggsy just sat there and stared, like someone had just told him that a bad guy had ridden over the Kingsman Mansion with a bulldozer. “Merlin,” Harry said, his voice strained.

Merlin poured himself more Scotch, not at all bothered by Harry’s words or voice.

Eggsy’s mouth was hanging open, and his eyes were flickering between Harry and Merlin as if he wasn’t entirely certain he was awake. His jaw closed with a faint click, and he swallowed; Harry watched his Adam’s apple bob, wondered what Eggsy’s skin would feel like under his mouth.

Where was the nearest surface Harry could beat his head against until he went unconscious? That was preferable at the moment.

“What?” Eggsy managed. His voice was more of a croak than anything.

Merlin arched an eyebrow, looking far too fucking cocky for the conversation. “In the biblical sense, lad. Do keep up.”

“You’re a wanker,” Harry muttered darkly.

Merlin checked the clock. “I haven’t slept in nineteen hours and this is my third Scotch. What do you expect?” He looked pointedly at Harry, then took a sip of the drink in his hand.

“I can hit him this time, if you’d rather.” Harry looked at Eggsy and then at Merlin.

That startled a laugh out of Eggsy, who blinked a couple times and sat up. There was something vulnerable in his eyes, something that pulled at Harry’s heart. He didn’t like it. “You’re taking the piss, yeah?” Eggsy winked, tipped his Scotch in their direction. “Very funny.”

Harry looked at Merlin, who was looking back at him with a ‘told-you-so’ sort of expression. “We’re not, I’m afraid,” Harry said. “Of course, if it’s not something you’re comfortable with, nothing needs to happen.”

Eggsy was blinking again, like the capability for words had completely left him. “I thought…”

“That Harry and I were together?” Merlin looked at Harry. “It’s not an either/or situation.”

Harry was going to hate that saying. That grammar rule. His reports would be empty of either word, just to spite Merlin.

Eggsy’s mouth opened as if to say something, then closed. There was alarm in his expression, and he had shifted a bit further back into the sofa as if to put some space between them. But what got Harry, what made him lean forward, his own expression morphing, was the hope that was underneath it all.

“May I?” Harry asked Eggsy, polite.

Eggsy blinked at him, then nodded. “Yeah.”

And he didn’t even know what he was saying yes to. Harry stood, carefully setting down his glass of water. He kept his steps steady and deliberate, his posture straight so he didn’t tip. He kept his gaze on Eggsy, with only a quick glance at Merlin.

He stopped a foot or so away from Eggsy to turn towards Merlin. “May I?” he asked again, the same polite tone.

Merlin waved a hand, but his eyes were dark with want. “Have at it.”

Eggsy was sitting on the couch and staring at Harry with narrowed eyes, as if he wasn’t quite certain what was going to happen. And maybe he wasn’t. Harry had wanted Kingsman that badly, and he knew what it felt like to have something just in front of you and wonder if maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t real.

Harry was a gentleman, yes, but he was also human, too. No matter how badly it was going to turn out, no matter how much he would have to deal with Eggsy pulling away when he realized the truth, he was going to take a little bit of time, have Eggsy for at least a little while. He was a horrible person, he knew, but after everything Harry had done in life, he was certain he could live with it. It was just one more straw.

Harry used one hand to tip up Eggsy’s chin so Eggsy was looking at him, his mossy eyes wide and the pupils dilated. “May I?” he murmured, leaning down so Eggsy couldn’t exactly mistake his intention.

Eggsy swallowed thickly, Harry could feel it. Then he licked his lips, something oddly close to nerves in his eyes, like Eggsy thought if he blinked it would all disappear. “Yeah, okay,” he said, his voice almost as soft as Harry’s, but rougher.

Harry shifted slightly so his leg was between Eggsy’s, letting him reach the back of the couch and use it to hold himself stable as he used his other hand to cup Eggsy’s face so he could kiss him. Fay would have been so proud of the whole ergonomics thing. He wasn’t entirely certain what she would think of the rest.

Then he was kissing Eggsy and Eggsy was kissing him, and Harry’s thoughts went sideways. Eggsy was timid at first, uncertain, as if he expected Harry to pull back. When he realized Harry wasn’t going to, his hands went to Harry’s face, one sliding into his hair and screwing it up. Harry would have to tut over that later; at the moment he had more pressing concerns.

He kissed Eggsy over and over, taking him apart bit by bit, little butterfly kisses until Eggsy’s lips parted with a soft gasp. Harry kissed him again, using the hand on Eggsy’s face to tilt him up so Harry could lick into his mouth. Eggsy moaned underneath him into Harry’s mouth, his hand tightening in Harry’s hair in a way that was surprisingly pleasant.

Harry’s head was spinning with the need for oxygen, his heart was racing, and all of a sudden his trousers were rather too tight. Not that he planned to do anything about that, especially not at the moment. He was too busy cataloguing what Eggsy tasted like, how he moved, how he breathed into Harry’s mouth when Harry licked his teeth.

Then Harry slowed the kisses, growing more and more chaste until he pulled back, one hand still cupping Eggsy’s face. Eggsy was staring at him, lips kiss-swollen and a flush on his cheeks. Yeah, Harry’s trousers were way too tight. In a way that was going to be noticeable the moment he stood up. Ah well. He was only human, and Eggsy was too damn attractive for his own good. Harry would have to tell him so. Multiple times.

“Yeah?” Eggsy breathed out, his eyes searching Harry’s for something.

“Mhm,” Harry hummed, leaning down to kiss him one more time before he stood up and went back to his armchair, picking up his glass of water and taking a sip.

Eggsy sat where Harry had left him for a few seconds, seemingly considering. He quirked his lips, as if he was amused at a joke he wasn’t sharing, and then stood. “Your turn, yeah?” He looked at Merlin.

Merlin, who blinked at him, caught off guard. “Wha-”

His words were cut off by Eggsy plonking down on his lap. There was just enough room for it to be comfortable, Eggsy’s legs bracketing Merlin’s. Harry expected to feel a surge of jealousy, a surge of possessiveness, but instead all he felt was amusement. Satisfaction seeing Merlin startled, when he was the one who had set the whole bloody thing in motion.

Not that Harry was really that upset, given how it had turned out. He had no idea what would happen moving forward, or if things would change. Merlin was going to be unbearably smug for at least the next week, but it really wasn’t much of a chance from his usual attitude. Especially when he wasn’t sleeping.

He watched as Eggsy leaned in and kissed Merlin, arms around his neck and able to lean down because he was the taller one in that position. Merlin put his hands on Eggsy’s waist, and all Harry felt was a surge of fondness for the two of them.

After checking neither were looking at him, he let himself make a face at his water glass as if it was offensive. Considering the fact it wasn’t Scotch, it was. But it was also the whole affection thing. Harry Hart didn’t  _ feel _ affection, not really. He didn’t deserve to do so. Yet there he was, half broken and in need of rehabilitation, not only feeling something he’d call affection, but  _ fondness _ as well.

It was a dirty, dirty word.

Eggsy pulled back, and Harry was satisfied to see the flush was riding higher up on his cheeks, his hair sticking up everywhere. It made Harry want to kiss him again, take him apart and put him back together. What would Eggsy look like when he was coming undone? What would he sound like when Harry touched him, licked him, bit him? How would adding Merlin change that?

“Fucking hell,” Eggsy muttered, seemingly to himself, as he stood up, not very discreetly adjusting his gym pants before he sank back onto the couch. “You two are gonna kill me.”

Harry pursed his lips. “It’d be a waste of an evening if we did.”

Eggsy snorted. Harry studied him, trying to figure out what he was thinking, but he couldn’t parse out what was going on in his mind. Eggsy was pretty easy to read, but whatever was going on in his head, he kept it away from where Harry could see it.

“Harry’s right,” Merlin agreed, his voice rougher.

“What about you two?” Eggsy arched an eyebrow, pointing between the two of them. Harry looked at Merlin, and Merlin looked back.

Then Merlin sighed. “Aye, if we must.”

Harry opened his mouth to protest, only to be cut off when Merlin stood and came over, bending down and taking Harry’s head in his stupidly-large hands and kissing him firmly. Harry’s eyes fluttered closed, and he slid a hand up to cup the back of Merlin’s head so he could tilt him slightly. His mouth opened, and Harry deepened the kiss. It felt familiar, like a dance, something they’d done many times before.

“Fuck me,” Eggsy said breathlessly.

Harry pulled back, turning to look at him. “I prefer it the other way around, actually.”

Merlin snorted and Eggsy looked like he was about to choke on his tongue.

Eggsy cleared his throat, crossed his legs, which did absolutely nothing to hide how hard he was in his trousers. “None of that until you’re healed, you hear me?” He pointed a finger in Harry’s direction, gaze stern.

Harry’s heart deflated, but he kept the smile on his face. “Of course.”

Eggsy frowned at him, as if he could tell something was wrong. “That doesn’t mean there ain’t other things we can do,” he drawled, seemingly amused he had to spell it out.

Merlin chuckled and Harry resisted the urge to throw the water glass at Merlin’s head. Surely it would cut him, and fetching the medical kit was more work than Harry wanted to do at the moment.

“But, time for that later.” Eggsy looked pointedly at both of them. “If either of you think you’re going anywhere without a proper dinner, you’re mad, you hear me?”

Harry rolled his eyes, but there was a fond tilt to his lips. “Merlin can’t cook.”

“Oh, I know that.” Eggsy looked at Merlin, suspicion there. “I’m cooking. Now get your arses in the kitchen so I can keep an eye on you.” He stood up and trotted off without a backwards glance, heading straight into Merlin’s way-too-large kitchen.

Harry looked at Merlin, and Merlin looked back. Both sighed in exasperation. Then Harry stood, bowed to Merlin. “After you, good sir.”

“Like I’m going to let you run to your bedroom.” Merlin scoffed. “I wasn’t born yesterday, Harry Hart. Get your arse in the kitchen.”

Wisely, Harry did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think next chapter shall be domestic Merhartwin over sexy Merhartwin, but we'll get there.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More conversations. ;) This chapter was tricky to write, but I quite like how it turned out. As usual, comments and kudos loved - I love to hear what you all think!

Eggsy closed the door behind him, locking it out of a long-ingrained habit. He had left Merlin and Harry still in the kitchen, arguing over the proper timing of steeping whatever tea they were drinking. Eggsy had made sure they had eaten, that they weren’t going to murder each other, and darted out of there before either had noticed.

And there he was, in technically Merlin’s bedroom - well, one of them, rather - feeling rather like he was having a vaguely pleasant anxiety attack. Except it wasn’t really pleasant because those things were bollocks.

It didn’t help that his brain was replaying the moments in glorious technicolor. Merlin’s words. Harry kissing him, then Merlin. Then Harry and Merlin kissing each other.

Eggsy sprawled out on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Yeah, it fucking hurt, but he didn’t care at the moment. “Am I hallucinating?” he asked the ceiling, as if it would have the answer.

It was one thing to know that both Merlin and Harry came from affluent backgrounds, and another to see exactly how posh they were. Some of the paintings and shit Eggsy had seen probably cost more than his Mum had ever made in her life. It was freaky. He knew he was in a different class, but it was one thing to know and another thing to _see_.

He winced internally. Mum. He needed to call her, see how she and Daisy were doing. He wasn’t going to give up, not on her. Instead he’d call as much as he needed to, be there for her until she decided to leave.

All at the risk of destroying himself. But he could handle it.

“ _We’d like to fuck you, lad.”_

Harry’s face. Eggsy chuckled at the mental image. He doubted he would get to see that expression much, so he savored it while he could.

A seed of doubt curled up in his stomach. It was probably just sex, probably just a one-time thing. An experiment for their partnership. That made the most sense. All he could think back to was that time in the pub, when Harry had taken out Rotty and the goons, when they’d called Eggsy a rentboy.

Oh god. Maybe that was what this was about. Maybe they asked because they knew he wouldn’t say no. Maybe it was a pity fuck. Eggsy swallowed thickly. No, that didn’t...that didn’t make sense. Harry’s expression, Merlin’s forwardness. Or did it?

Shit. He shook his head, as if he could clear the thoughts from his mind that way. It wouldn’t do any good to think about that sort of stuff in the immediate moment, when he was doubting both himself and the actions of everyone around him. He checked his phone. Lance would be back from her mission probably tomorrow afternoon, and he could talk to her then, and she could offer sane advice and life would move on.

“Fuck,” Eggsy said to no one, gingerly sitting up and heading towards the wardrobe that held his clothes. The movers had even put everything away. They had to have cost a fortune; the thought made Eggsy feel ill. Yeah, Kingsman paid ridiculously well. He didn’t even want to think about how much money he had in his bank account.

It was hard to fathom, after having so little.

But then there were people like Merlin and Harry, who tossed around money like it wasn’t worth anything. Like it was nothing to pay movers to handle all of this for them. It churned something in Eggsy’s stomach that he wasn’t particularly fond of. Not resentment, not frustration, not envy. Jealousy, maybe? Which didn’t necessarily make sense.

“Fucking hell.” He glared at the wardrobe as if it was personally offensive. He grabbed a change of clothes, tossed them on the too-big, too-fancy bed. The mattress at least felt soft, and probably ergonomic, too. There was a bathroom attached to his bedroom, unconnected to any other room. Eggsy was grateful for that small privacy, even though really, he wasn’t sure he would have minded if either of them joined him.

He considered that. It’d make a shower a lot more entertaining, at least.

Stripping off his clothes, he looked around for a few seconds before he located a laundry bin. Of course there was one in the bathroom, and of course it was neat and fancy and had a lid and everything. Part of Eggsy wanted to throw his clothes on the floor, get them everywhere, just like he would have at home. But he didn’t. He opened the lid and tossed them in there.

It took him a few seconds to figure out the shower controls. There was like, three different knobs and two shower heads and why did Merlin have such big bathrooms? It was obscene. Nice, because then he could wank to the thought of either of them being in there with him, pretend it was Harry’s hand on him, or Merlin’s. Their hands were different, so their grips would be too. What would Harry’s be like? Softer? More firm? Would they tighten around his wrists, hold him in place? Or would they slide all over his body, light as a feather?

But the bathroom size was still obscene.

By the time he was done and got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around himself, he’d decided that crazy posh bathrooms weren’t that bad after all. He pulled on his pajamas, considered going to the kitchen to grab some water or something. But part of him didn’t want to face Harry or Merlin, not when he didn’t quite have a grasp on himself.

He wasn’t chicken, he wasn’t scared. But he did know that his thoughts would show on his face, in his body language, and he wanted to get those under control first.

So instead he crawled into bed, grabbed his mobile and plugged it in. It was easy enough to play games until he fell asleep.

_He stood to the side, in the corner. A bystander. Watching as Harry whirled around, shooting and stabbing and dispatching the church-goers with a deadly elegance that left Eggsy breathless._

_Then they started going after Eggsy, too. He shot one, tripped another before using him as a shield. His heart started to race. No. This didn’t happen, it couldn’t happen. But he could hear the sounds of Harry getting closer, the clamor from the living dying down as they did._

_He whirled, using his momentum to stab one woman who held a stake, then turning that stake on another. Then Harry was standing in front of him, that curl down on his forehead, the composure and calm gone. Instead he was just a killing machine, someone in the thrall of Valentine’s machinations._

_Eggsy blocked his first blow, stepped forward and twisted, trying to pin him or restrain him or anything. But Harry used his momentum to duck under Eggsy’s arms and instead grabbed Eggsy’s gun, turned to him._

_For a moment their eyes met. There was nothing of Harry in there. Not the warm concern that Eggsy got to see, or the wry amusement, or anything. There was just coldness._

_Then pain blossomed in his middle and everything went dark._

Eggsy sat straight up, his chest heaving in a way that made his ribs throb. By the way the sheets were bound about him, he had been tossing and turning. No wonder his ribs hurt.

He struggled to get his breathing under control, afraid to close his eyes, afraid of what he would see. He was shaking, his fingers scrabbling to keep him up as his elbows threatened to give out. “Shit,” he managed, trying to slow the trainwreck that was his heartbeat.

It was hard, when it got that bad. There were so few memories to draw on that calmed him down. So he focused on when Harry recruited him to Kingsman. The feeling of finishing a task and hearing a “Good job”. The way Harry had kissed him, then Merlin had kissed him, like he was precious and something to be treasured, even if it was just for a few fleeting minutes or days or weeks or however long they would have him.

He didn’t know how long it took to get his breathing under control, but his phone told him it was two in the morning. There was no way he was going back to sleep, not any time soon. Maybe he would try and sleep during the day, see if the daylight helped keep his nightmares away. He steadfastly didn’t think about Merlin, about how his arm around Eggsy’s waist had helped keep him dream-free. That wasn’t an option. Even after last night, he wasn’t going to push it.

Taking a deep breath, feeling the pain lessen in his ribs, Eggsy sat up, got out of bed. He would be quiet, and Merlin’s office was probably soundproofed. Merlin hadn’t offered its location, and Eggsy hadn’t asked. He opened his bedroom door, stuck his head out and listened. He could hear some faint music, along the lines of what Merlin had played that first night Eggsy slept in his lab.

It tugged at something inside of him, made something well up in him that he didn’t appreciate, he didn’t want to think about. Life wasn’t that good to someone whose last name was Unwin, to people like him who had grown up in the Estates.

Pulling up the map of Merlin’s he had built in his head, he padded down the stairs and into the kitchen, poured himself a glass of water. He wanted something stronger, but didn’t want to addle his mind when he already felt strange. Leaning against the counter, Eggsy took a sip and closed his eyes. Maybe he’d take some paracetamol.

The house was quiet around him, the music from upstairs echoing faintly down the steps. He could hear outside noises, little things.

Maybe that was it. Maybe it was too quiet. Eggsy had grown up in London, surrounded by honking horns and people shouting and anything and everything. Even in the Mansion, he’d had the other recruits. Here the house was so large that there was no ambient noise in his bedroom, nothing but the sound of himself and his breathing.

He considered the living room, but dismissed it. It would come across as weird to give up the bedroom, offered as a guest, for a couch in the living room. Even if it might help.

The sound of a door creaking open caught him off guard. He almost choked on the swallow of water, coughing and hitting his chest until he could breathe again. Yeah, he was going to need that paracetamol, and he was going to need it soon. The glass did make it safely to the counter without spilling everywhere.

“I apologize.” Harry stood at the fringes of the kitchen, and he looked sorry, too. “I wasn’t aware anyone would be awake.”

Eggsy cleared his throat, not letting his cheeks burn. His mind was looking for a distraction, and reliving the kiss from the night before was more than distracting enough. “I can just -”

“Would you like some eggs and bacon?” Harry cut him off.

Eggsy looked at him, then really looked. Harry looked tired, lines under his eyes that Eggsy hadn’t paid attention to before. He was dressed in that red dressing gown of his, white silk pajamas on underneath and cozy slippers on his feet. Despite how comfortable everything looked, Eggsy could see the tension in his shoulders and in his eyes.

He made himself take a deep breath, let his shoulders relax some. He was aware of how deadly Harry was, how much damage he could do with those hands and that body. But the Harry in front of him wasn’t the Harry from his dream. This Harry was tired. He was warmer, he was softer. There was nothing cold about him.

Eggsy pushed himself into a standing position, taking his hand off the counter where he’d been gripping it. “Yeah, ta.” He smiled at Harry, knowing it was a shaky one.

This time Harry was the one who had the small frown, who took a few steps closer so he could look at Eggsy properly. He apparently saw something, for his face smoothed out and sadness took its place.

Eggsy didn’t look away, as much as he wanted to. He didn’t want to give up any time looking at Harry, taking in the way he moved. Learning anything and everything that Harry was willing to show, especially when he tried to be so hidden.

Harry cleared his throat, and the moment broke. No, that wasn’t true. It was still there, but the intensity had faded. “Do you need something?”

Eggsy smiled properly at that, the ghost of similar conversations in Harry’s hospital room hanging between them. “Just some paracetamol.”

“Stay there.” Harry turned and headed back towards his room, before Eggsy could object.

Eggsy stood there, drumming his fingers on the counter. Something had tensed inside him, something he hadn’t anticipated. God, he wasn’t a self-conscious person. He was the opposite of shy. But part of him wondered that if he mis-stepped, if he did one thing wrong, he would wake up and realize the whole thing last night had been a dream.

“Here.” Harry reappeared with a couple pills in his hand, dropped them into Eggsy’s. “There’s water in the fridge.”

Eggsy nodded his thanks, grabbed the glass of water he had put on the counter and knocked the pills back. The water was cool and crisp, refreshing. It made him feel a bit better, let him relax. He turned to look at Harry, who was looking back at him. “You said somethin’ about bacon and eggs?” Eggsy raised his eyebrows.

It was a genuine smile that appeared on Harry’s face, and some of the pain lines faded away. “Dinner last night was passable,” Harry said, his eyes sparkling, the posh bastard. “I wonder what your breakfast skills are like.”

Eggsy scoffed at Harry’s teasing, taking a few steps closer and leaning against the counter to regard Harry with skepticism. “I cook a decent breakfast.”

“I’m sure you do,” Harry said, the smile still playing around his lips.

There was a moment that caught Eggsy off guard, when Harry’s gaze shifted and his hand went to the counter, fingers splayed as if he was leaning on the hand for balance. But the movement passed, and Harry stabilized.

Eggsy didn’t take his eyes away, but he didn’t ask, either.

“I never quite thanked you,” Harry said, turning away and walking towards the fridge, opening it and pulling out eggs and bacon. “Do you want anything else?”

Eggsy blinked. “What?”

“Beyond eggs and bacon.” Harry looked at him, expectant.

“Er, I’m good.” Eggsy frowned, trying to figure out what Harry was thanking him for. “Why thank you?” He couldn’t think of the last time he had gotten a proper night’s sleep. No, that wasn’t true. It had been a day after Harry re-appeared, in Merlin’s office. With Merlin, after he had knocked him out. Details. Regardless, that was what he was going to blame his traitorous tongue on.

Harry cleared his throat, bending slowly to pull out various kitchen equipment for the hob.

Eggsy waited him out.

“For stopping Valentine.” The words sounded a hair too stiff, too formal.

Eggsy hesitated. Recklessly he took a step closer to Harry, taking the frying pan from his hand and putting it on the burner, pulling down a couple of bowls and handing them over. Their fingers brushed, sending shivers down Eggsy’s spine.

“For looking after Merlin.” Harry wasn’t looking at him, instead looking through the hob in front of him. The words were soft, almost haunted.

Eggsy didn’t quite know what to say to that, so he reached out and squeezed Harry’s shoulder in acknowledgment. Harry leaned into the movement, and for a moment they stood there. Harry didn’t pull away, so Eggsy stepped closer, letting his head fall forward until his forehead was resting against Harry’s shoulder and his other hand loosely resting on Harry’s hip. It was oddly intimate, but comfortable at the same time.

Yeah, they had their arrangement, and yeah it was probably just sex. But that didn’t mean that Eggsy wasn’t going to make the most of it while he could.

Then Harry fucking turned his head, and pressed a kiss to Eggsy’s hair. Wanker.

It sent an annoying, uncomfortable warmth flooding out from Eggsy’s chest. Yeah, he knew he was fucking in love with both of them, or whatever other words he didn’t feel like thinking of, but it was rude of Harry to do those sorts of things so casually.

Not that Eggsy was going to tell him that, and no way in hell was Eggsy going to say no. But every pulse of happiness was tempered by the knowledge that there would be pain. And not the sexy kind.

“Merlin is shite at looking after himself,” Eggsy managed finally.

Harry let out a laugh, pressed another kiss to Eggsy’s head and then gently disentangling himself. “Would you like to cook the eggs?”

“Is that admitting you don’t want to?” Eggsy arched his eyebrows, biting back a smile when Harry rolled his eyes.

“Manners, Eggsy,” he chided, but there was no bite behind it. Instead there was a smile on his face. A tired one, a worn one, but it made Eggsy’s stomach flip.

“Move over, old man.” Eggsy bumped him gently with his hip, grinning cheekily when Harry looked at him with his eyebrows near his hairline, clearly scandalized. “I’ll show you how eggs are done.”

**

Harry sat on the far end of the couch, one leg crossed over the other and a bowl held in his hand. Eggsy was sitting on the other end, picking at the remnants of his dinner slash breakfast. Midnight snack? Harry was too tired to think of the right word. But he wasn’t too tired to keep sneaking glances at Eggsy.

Eggsy had put on some TV show that Harry was paying absolutely no attention to. There was a teacher, who was doing something, or something. Obviously it was something Eggsy had seen before and enjoyed, for his gaze remained mostly on the screen with only occasional flickers at Harry.

The amusement on his face was enjoyable to behold. Yes, that was as far as Harry was going to let his brain go.

Eggsy leaned forward and put the bowl he made himself on the counter, pulled his knees up to his chest and winced, but eventually settled.

Harry frowned at him. Surely that couldn’t be comfortable. He hesitated, considered. Sighed internally at himself. He was fifty-two for God’s sake. Why was he nervous?

It was a stupid question, because he knew the answer. But for now, he shoved the thoughts, the fears, the nerves away. He could regret what he was doing later. For now, he was going to be selfish. For once in his life, he was going to think of himself.

Harry cleared his throat, and Eggsy turned to look at him. There was a question in his eyes, but an amusement too. “You may stretch out, if you wish.”

Eggsy blinked; clearly that wasn’t what he had expected. “Yeah?”

Harry inclined his head, uncrossing his legs and putting the bowl on the table next to Eggsy’s. “Yes.”

Eggsy’s eyes flickered to Harry’s legs and then to Harry’s face, and something uncomfortably bright popped up in his eyes. Harry wanted to look away but he couldn’t, captured by the grin that appeared on Eggsy’s face.

“Ta.” Eggsy put his legs down, scooted closer to Harry, and then spun so he could put his head on Harry’s lap.

Harry blinked down at him, grateful that Eggsy’s eyes had flickered to the TV. It wasn’t quite what he had anticipated, but he wasn’t exactly going to say no. He slid his right hand into Eggsy’s hair, scraped his nails gently over his scalp.

He wasn’t exactly prepared for Eggsy to let out a drawn-out, pleasurable “mmm” and turn so that Harry had more access to his hair.

Little shit. Harry focused on his breathing, because he was not going to let his trousers get too tight when Eggsy’s head was so close to...well, the problem. While being the problem.

It was hypnotizing, working his way through Eggsy’s hair, well-manicured nails trailing against his scalp. From the way Eggsy closed his eyes, his hum vibrating through Harry’s thighs, he seemed to enjoy it.

Eggsy cleared his throat and Harry paused, moving to look down at Eggsy. Eggsy, who turned to look at him, something oddly vulnerable in his eyes.

He stared at Harry in a frankly distracting fashion, like he was studying Harry’s face and taking in everything that he could. It was twisting Harry’s stomach into knots. What was he going to say?

“Eggsy?” Harry prompted gently. He wasn’t entirely certain his nerves could handle another long period of silence, or if Eggsy clammed up. He would respect it, of course, but he didn’t have to like it.

Eggsy cleared his throat again, and his eyes turned away from Harry, back towards the TV.

Harry’s heart sank a bit, but he slowly resumed the movement of his fingers through Eggsy’s hair. It was comforting for him, too, the repetitive motion almost sleep-inducing.

“Is it okay to do this, uh.” Eggsy paused, took a deep breath. “Without Merlin here?”

Harry blinked at him, paused, somewhat baffled. “Pardon?”

Eggsy gently ducked out from underneath Harry’s hands, sitting up and only half-turned towards Harry. “Since, y’know.” He waved awkwardly at Harry, looking at Harry out of the corner of his eyes. “It’s you two, and ‘m the third.”

Harry blinked at him some more. He rewound the conversation from the night before, trying to figure out if there was a misunderstanding or something had happened that he missed. “Pardon?” He couldn’t find any other words. It was like being thrust sideways into a different dimension. Maybe his brain had short-circuited.

Eggsy waved between them, then in the direction towards presumably Merlin’s study. “Y’know, since it’s just a sex thing. I don’t want to get between you two, or overstep.” There was a hint of pink on his cheeks. “Never done this sort of thing before.”

Harry ignored the mixture of warmth and sadness that welled up in his chest, because if he focused on that he was going to do something ridiculous like kiss Eggsy until he stopped looking like that. “Just a sex thing?”

Eggsy did look at him at that, even if his eyes were slightly downturned. “Yeah. I’m fine with it, really, just want to make sure that I’m not -”

“Eggsy.” Harry cut him off.

Eggsy winced. “Shit, I bollocked this up, didn’t I?” He closed his mouth, lips firm, and then opened it presumably to berate himself again.

Harry held up a finger, grateful he was wearing his glasses.

Eggsy closed his mouth, but there was a stubborn line to it, the lip equivalent of crossing his arms over his chest defensively.

Harry turned away from Eggsy just a bit, tapping the side of his glasses twice to open up a comm line. “Merlin?” He felt Eggsy start next to him, and Harry reached out a hand to put on Eggsy’s knee to steady him. And maybe to keep him from running away.

“Something wrong?” Merlin sounded oddly relaxed, and Harry could hear the music louder in the comm unit.

“Are you busy?” Harry glanced at Eggsy, who wasn’t looking at him. “The three of us need to have a discussion.”

Eggsy shrank in on himself just the slightest bit, shoulders hunching. Harry squeezed his knee again, let his thumb start sweeping back and forth.

“Right-o.” Merlin’s line went dead and Harry ended the call, turning back towards Eggsy.

“Look, I’m right sorry, and if you want I can just leave. I don’t want to be a prob -”

“You’re the opposite of a problem, Eggsy,” Harry said, wishing he was better with words at the moment. Usually he could be so eloquent, but he was tired, and the words didn’t come quite as quickly.

Eggsy narrowed his eyes at him, then closed his eyes when he heard the music cut off, heard the sound of a door upstairs opening.

Harry could see Eggsy’s shoulders tense, obviously not reassured by Harry’s words. Maybe he viewed them as placating, as the eye of the hurricane. Maybe he viewed Merlin as the executioner, about to send him back to the mansion for good.

He wasn’t going to get either of those.

Merlin stepped lightly down the stairs, dressed in his ever-familiar cashmere jumper, slacks, and his glasses. He took a look at them and then came over and sank onto Eggsy’s other side, effectively trapping him between Harry and Merlin.

Eggsy sort of had the expression one might have worn if they wanted to disappear under the couch in a way that wasn’t possible for humans. He put a hand to his forehead, and the line of his shoulders was so tense it made Harry ache in sympathy. “Look,” Eggsy said, and Harry could hear the strain in his voice.

“Eggsy.” There was a hint of a chide in Harry’s voice.

Eggsy clammed up, a mask washing over his face. He leaned back, but stared ahead.

Harry sort of hated himself for letting it get this far. “Merlin.”

Merlin leaned forward just enough to see Harry. He put his arm on the back of the couch, just over Eggsy’s stiff shoulders. Enough that with the way Eggsy was sitting, if Merlin let his arm relax, it would wrap around him. “Aye?”

“Eggsy is under the impression that we just want him in the biblical sense.” Harry went with Merlin’s phrasing, because it secretly did amuse him. What didn’t amuse him was Eggsy’s flinch. Understanding flashed across Merlin’s face.

“Look, I said I’m alright with it, why can’t you let it go -”

“Because we aren’t,” Merlin said, cutting him off.

That got Eggsy’s attention. He raised his head, the mask blending with a wary hope. “What?”

“While neither of us would object to that, we have more interest in you than your physical assets,” Harry said. He wasn’t finding the words that he wanted, but he was making it through the sentences without having to stop, and that was good enough.

“What?” Hope bloomed on Eggsy’s face, and it made Harry’s heart ache. Then Eggsy clamped down on it, set his lips. “Look, I don’t want to get in the wa-”

“You’re not.” Merlin put his hand on Eggsy’s knee. “Lad, listen.”

Eggsy scowled, but there was no anger behind it. No, Harry could see fear, want. Hope.

Merlin looked at Harry, and Harry looked back. “How did you bollocks this up so fast?”

Harry scoffed. “I wasn’t the one that did it!”

“Is this really the right time for that argument?” Eggsy’s voice was exasperated, like he was chiding fighting children. He sort of was, Harry had to admit.

Still, Harry shelved that argument for later. He’d kiss the cheek out of the Scottish bastard, that was for sure.

“Have you heard of polyamory, Eggsy?” Merlin was the one who spoke.

Harry was grateful, because he wasn’t certain he could have pulled that word out of his mind at the moment.

Eggsy pushed his lips together in a stubborn line, then went back to his version of a sulk. “Sorta.”

That was a no. “You’re familiar with monogamy?” Harry held up two fingers.

Eggsy shot him a look that would have been withering if there was any actual feeling behind it besides nerves. “Yeah.”

“Polyamory is loving multiple people, not just a single partner.” Merlin let out a sigh. “Eiric, who you’ve met, has both a wife and a boyfriend.”

“Huh.” Eggsy seemed to consider this, but there was something amused in his lips now. “Isn’t that like...cheating?”

“Both of them know of each other and are okay with the situation,” Merlin said. “Fiona and Rory are quite good friends, actually.”

Eggsy’s eyebrows raised a bit at that. Harry couldn’t blame him; his knowledge was theoretical. He had known of Merlin’s sister, known of her marriage and the poly nature of her relationship, if only because Merlin grumbled about it when she was being obnoxious.

“So is that what you’re proposing, then?” Eggsy pointed from one of them to the other. “Sharing me?”

Harry studied him for a few seconds. “Have you heard of the word triad?”

Eggsy screwed up his face. “Not in the proper context,” he admitted. “But I can guess.”

“What we’re proposing is a closed triad.” Merlin leaned forward slightly, elbows on his knees. For all he had been blunt and straightforward last night, he seemed to understand the gravity that was needed at nearly three in the morning. Bless him.

“And that is?” Eggsy still shifted in his seat, looking a bit like a hunted rabbit, but it was easing.

“The three of us, and any combination thereof, with no outside partners.” Harry turned his finger in a circle.

Eggsy stared at him, searching his face. Harry just looked back, wishing it was easier for him to believe. He could see the doubt, the fear that he was being humored, that they didn’t actually want this.

“Why me?” Eggsy asked finally, like he had to fight to unstick the words from his tongue.

Harry looked at Merlin, who looked back at Harry.

“I’m just a pleb.” Eggsy gave a one-shoulder shrug, his arms crossed over his chest.

“You’re far more than that,” Harry said, chiding this time. It was hard to comprehend how Eggsy didn’t know, couldn’t tell that the two of them were stupidly heads over heels for him, even if they would rather chop an arm off than say it out loud. “You are dedicated, a hard worker, and you care about your coworkers and take care of those you are responsible for.”

“Haven’t even went on a bloody mission,” Eggsy muttered petulantly, still not looking at them.

“Merlin showed me the feed from the bunker, Eggsy. And when you rescued the Queen.”

Eggsy did tense a bit at that.

Merlin pulled a face at Harry, which Eggsy must have seen out of the corner of his eyes because he let out a tiny chuckle, stomping down on it almost immediately. “Do I have to be sappy?”

“Yes,” Harry retorted. “Show some emotion, you Scottish wanker. You got us in this situation.”

“Eggsy, look at me.” Merlin turned slightly towards Eggsy. When Eggsy didn’t listen, Merlin put one of his ridiculously long fingers to Eggsy’s chin, tipping it up until Eggsy met his eyes with a defiant gaze. “You did everything you had to do, in the bunker. Yes, you used up half my weaponry saving the Queen, and you take far too many risks for my blood pressure, but.” Merlin cleared his throat, shooting Harry a scowl before looking back at Eggsy. “It’s part of your appeal.”

Eggsy paused, and Harry watched him look at Merlin. “You’re shit at sweet talk,” Eggsy told him.

Harry laughed; he couldn’t help it, and even Merlin cracked a smile.

“Anything else?” Merlin looked from one to the other.

Eggsy turned to look at Harry, who looked between him and Merlin. “Nah.”

Merlin wagged a stern finger at both of them. “I don't expect to have to interrupt my work again to referee any more spats, you hear me?”

Eggsy smiled, and while it was small and fragile, it was a real one. He threw Merlin a salute. “Aye, aye.”

Merlin fixed Harry with a faux-threatening look. “Don’t upset Eggsy again. Or you’ll be in trouble.”

“What I’d pay to see that,” Eggsy muttered, and then he groaned and put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

If Harry was a betting man, he would have bet that Eggsy didn’t quite intend to say that out loud.

“In good time, Eggsy,” Harry said. “All in good time.”

Eggsy let out a choked laugh. Harry reached over and smoothed a hand over his back, comforting.

Merlin came closer, leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to Harry’s lips, then crouched in order to be at Eggsy’s level. “May I kiss you?”

Harry could feel the sharp inhale, the way Eggsy’s muscles tensed at what was probably pain. His ribs were getting better, but Harry knew from experience they lingered. “Yeah.” Eggsy lifted his head, leaning back but not far enough to dislodge Harry’s hand on his back.

Merlin cradled his head with one of his stupid-big hands and kissed Eggsy, soft and sweet and chaste.

It was almost obnoxious, the fondness that bubbled up in Harry at the sight. It got even worse when Merlin pulled back, looking between the two of them. “Go to bed,” Merlin advised, before he turned and headed towards the stairs.

“Like you’re one to talk,” Eggsy retorted, loud enough that Merlin heard. Harry could tell, because Merlin gave them the two-fingered salute before he disappeared up the stairs.

Then Harry and Eggsy were left sitting on the couch, Harry’s hand on Eggsy’s back. Eggsy seemed to be in a state of shock, his eyes distant. Harry kept his hand stable, letting his thumb rub back and forth across Eggsy’s spine, not sure what else to offer.

Eggsy turned to look at him, dislodging Harry’s hand. There was something wary in Eggsy’s face, but for once Harry could see the hope almost overtaking it. Eggsy’s gaze stayed steady on his face, apparently taking it all in. Then his hands slowly slid up, cupped Harry’s face.

Harry didn’t move, his eyes on Eggsy’s, letting Eggsy take the time he needed.

Then Eggsy shifted, straddling Harry’s thighs as best he could, and then kissed him. It was the angle he had used with Merlin the night before, and one Harry found that he quite preferred. Eggsy could tilt Harry’s head up, make the kiss deeper. Harry could slide his hands under Eggsy’s shirt, feel the broad expansive of his back and the dip at the base of his spine. It wasn’t a dirty kiss, wasn’t a hurried kiss. It was sweet, almost.

Finally Eggsy pulled back, looking at Harry. His pupils were a bit blown, his hair a mess. When he smiled, Harry had to remember how to breathe. He wasn’t one much for poetry, but he felt that someone, somewhere, surely had to write something to honor that smile.

Harry was so screwed.

Unable to find words, Harry just leaned in and kissed him again, close-mouthed and chaste.

This time Harry pulled back, and Eggsy’s smile widened. Then his eyes shifted, his smile became a smirk. “We never did finish the second episode,” he drawled, crawling off Harry’s lap and plonking himself back on the couch.

Harry glanced at the TV, which was playing the credits. He honestly couldn’t have told anyone the title of the show or movie or whatever was on the telly, much less the content. Especially since apparently they were actually watching a TV show. Fancy that.

“Budge up.” Eggsy stood, gesturing to Harry.

“Pardon?” Harry blinked at him. It was becoming an obnoxiously familiar gesture.

Eggsy sighed, exasperated. “Lay down and scoot towards the edge of the couch, yeah?”

Harry narrowed his eyes, wary, but then obeyed. The couch was wide - wide enough Harry could take a guess at what Eggsy was planning. The width of the couch worked in his favor, too, because his shoulder didn’t drop off the edge.

Once Harry was settled, Eggsy stepped over him before essentially rolling into the space Harry left between himself and the back of the cushion, slotting himself half-over Harry with one leg over Harry’s and his face towards the telly.

“How are we going to restart the TV?” Harry asked, befuddled. It wasn’t because his brain had short-circuited, nope. Not because his arm immediately came up and wrapped around Eggsy’s waist, helping him adjust and stay close. Eggsy’s head was on his chest now, and Harry could feel him breathe.

Harry closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing. It was the feeling he had been trying to ignore. The feeling he hoped would disappear if he just didn’t acknowledge it. Yet Merlin had opened Pandora’s box, and there they were.

He just hoped it wouldn’t destroy all of them when it exploded.

“You can reach the remote,” Eggsy waved a hand towards the small table next to them.

Harry could, surprisingly, without dislodging Eggsy. Bonus points for flexibility training.

Yeah Harry didn’t let that thought go where it could have.

Harry got the show playing again from the beginning and set the remote up where he could reach it on the back of the couch. Eggsy was laying halfway on top of him, his right leg slotted between Harry’s. Harry’s right hand smoothed up and down Eggsy’s spine, lazy and comforting. His left hand was twined with Eggsy’s, resting on Harry’s chest.

Harry still wasn’t paying attention to the TV.

“This isn’t going to bed,” Harry murmured, even though he did feel somewhat drowsy.

“Merlin can scold us later.” Eggsy pressed a kiss to their twined hands. “Now go to sleep.”

Harry leaned down and kissed Eggsy’s head, savoring it for a moment, before he pulled back. It was easy enough to close his eyes, and to his surprise, even easier to slide off into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a question for you, dear readers! Would you prefer a consistent weekly update, even if it means chapters are written ahead of time? Currently I'm basically posting them as I go, depending on my beta's availability. Which...can lead to a lot in one week. That'll taper off in a week, since I start classes, have a book to write, and a book to edit, but I don't think I'll go more than a week, max two, between chapters, as long as nothing goes insane.
> 
> Life is, as ever, unpredictable. So no guarantees. But! Still curious.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...this chapter is almost twice as long as the rest, but there's not really a good place to break it up.
> 
> Also, here there be naughty bits. After the feelings. I like a lot of feelings with my smut.

Harry had long ago accused Merlin of having a voyeuristic streak, and well. He wasn’t wrong. That was the excuse Merlin gave himself when he pulled the feed up from the living room, left it up on one of the monitors, so he could watch Harry and Eggsy sleep. Part of him wanted to be there with them, to feel the security of having both of them nearby and safe. But he had work to do.

Merlin scrubbed a hand over his head, feeling the dips and scar tissue that were there in the skin. He wasn’t always Mansion-bound, relegated to a tech position and nothing else. It was hard sometimes, feeling the itch underneath his skin, the need to get energy out in a way that couldn’t be done on a computer.

Part of him was mad at himself. He’d fucked it up the night before. Harry and Eggsy weren’t the only ones who needed sleep. Merlin hadn’t gotten any, and didn’t expect any soon. Not that his workload was that bad - Lyonnesse had stolen one of the recruits. Ari, the one Merlin had been fond of, had been marked for the tech department and Lyonnesse was getting her trained. She had also locked Merlin out of his workstation remotely after 4am, to ensure that he at least got some time off.

Merlin grumbled. Who worked for who, after all? Instead he’d spent the last hour looking for a workaround.

He leaned back in his chair, his eyes on the image of Eggsy asleep against Harry’s chest, Harry wrapped around him. Bastards. Utter, absolute bastards. First Harry had insisted on sentiment, then...then he did something like _that_ , that made it impossible to keep things at a distance. No, it made that traitorous warmth rise up in his chest and flood out through his limbs, threatened to make him _smile_.

It wasn’t that Merlin was opposed to feeling affection or anything for Harry or even Eggsy, for that matter. He just didn’t like it. Sentiment was risk. Sentiment was to be handled with caution. And part of him, no matter how much he tried, didn’t want to make that final step. If he jumped off that cliff, properly committed, gave them everything, what would it do to him?

What would it do to Harry, to Eggsy? Merlin would still have to function in his role, still have to send them on missions. If Harry did become Arthur, he would look at each mission and assign them. Eggsy wouldn’t appreciate being coddled, being spared. So Merlin and Harry would have to deal with the knowledge that maybe, just maybe, they were sending someone they were fond of to his death.

The thought made bile rise in Merlin’s throat. He closed his eyes, focused on breathing. With just Harry it had been easier. They both risked their lives, but they had the years of whatever it was, the knowledge that if one of them died, there had been that time together. And okay, maybe the fact that neither of them had acknowledged it and had instead ignored it worked too. There was none of that shared history with Eggsy, not really. It was still new. It was so fragile.

It had a _name_. Sort of.

Eggsy was half their age, not that Merlin had a problem with that on principle. Eggsy was of age and willing, and Merlin was fine with that. But part of him wondered if that was a barrier that would be too difficult to cross. Eggsy was just starting his career, starting down the same road that Harry and Merlin had traveled once upon a time. All paths were different, but Merlin had a good idea of what Eggsy was going to go through, and it wasn’t always pleasant.

He had gotten a glimpse of it that first night, after the bunker. Civilian casualties were often the worst part of the job, and even though Eggsy hadn’t pulled the trigger himself on the neck explosives, he had been part of it. Even when it was done to save his life, it still did something to one’s mind. Merlin was used to nightmares.

Eggsy shifted on the screen, drawing Merlin’s attention. He wasn’t waking up, no, just tightening an arm around Harry a bit more, ensuring that Harry stayed away from the edge. They both seemed to be sleeping peacefully, at least for the moment. The lines of pain and stress had faded from Harry’s face, and he looked younger almost, more peaceful. Eggsy’s face was harder to see, but Merlin could see enough to know that there was a storm in his mind.

Even though Eggsy slept well, his mind was still churning, still processing. It had been a couple months, yes. But what had happened in the bunker was the sort of thing that haunted you for years.

Merlin had been careful and kept the casualty list of civilians as locked down as he could, ensuring that Eggsy never saw it. It was something that was necessary to know, to keep track of, yes, but Eggsy didn’t need to know how many died while he fought. He didn’t need that hanging over his head. Merlin would do that for him; would keep him safe.

He wished it was as simple as the conversation last night had made it seem. A closed triad. Defining it was probably the easiest part of it. Execution was a whole different animal, especially in a job as complicated as theirs. Harry had secrets. Eggsy did, too, even if he was more of an open book. There would be things they couldn’t tell each other, things Merlin and Harry would keep secret from Eggsy. Not because they wished to, but because security and work required it.

Had they made a mistake? It had all happened so quickly. Maybe he had been wrong, in his sleep-addled mind. But he couldn’t take it back now. He couldn’t go to Eggsy and say “just kidding”. No, Eggsy was in this now, and so were he and Harry. “Shit,” Merlin said to no one. He rubbed his fingers across his forehead, the gravity of everything sinking in.

“Shit.”

**

Harry sat on his bed, laptop on his lap and the word program up. He frowned at it, disgruntled that he was using it in the first place. It was supposed to help with his aphasia, help him reprogram the pathways that allowed him to recall words and thoughts when he needed them. He had avoided it as long as he could, until he had put on his glasses and saw a threatening message from Fay.

So there he was, grudgingly matching up opposing words when prompted, completing the memory challenges. A knock on his bedroom door startled him; he slammed the laptop screen down, probably a bit too firmly. But he didn’t hear any cracking, so he counted it as a win.

“Yes?” Harry cleared his throat, fiddled with his glasses. Fay had insisted he keep them on so she could record his use, to ensure he hadn’t found yet another way around her protocols. He was quite certain she had other things to do, but she seemed to delight in bothering him and making his life difficult. Harry had lots of rude thoughts for her, but a gentleman didn’t voice them.

“You busy?” It was Eggsy, and he sounded cautious.

“No, of course not.” Harry pulled his glasses off, ignoring what Fay would say, and tucking them into the nightstand next to him. He placed his laptop on the bed beside him. “You may enter.”

The door opened slowly, Eggsy’s shoulder appearing before the rest of him, a tray in his hands. “You skipped breakfast.” Eggsy’s voice was chiding.

Harry pursed his lips, then smoothed them out. “I did.” He wasn’t chicken, no. He just hadn’t felt quite up to facing both Eggsy and Merlin. Or maybe Eggsy. Or maybe Merlin. Either of them. He should have known neither of them would give up so easily.

“I brought breakfast to you.” Eggsy stepped closer, glanced around and sat the tray over Harry’s legs so he could reach it. But also so Harry couldn’t get up and run. Rude.

“Thank you,” Harry said, out of a lack of other options. He looked at it, instead of looking at Eggsy. Bacon, eggs, toast. A mug of tea. Exactly what Harry would have made himself.

“Somethin’ wrong?”

Harry looked up to see uncertainty flicker across Eggsy’s face, see him shift his weight from one foot to the other. “No, of course not.” He wouldn’t let that expression stay on Eggsy’s face a moment longer than he had to. “Would you like to sit down?” He gestured to the bed, then moved his laptop out of the way.

Eggsy considered it for what seemed like a split second, then sank down on the edge of the bed, facing Harry but only half on the bed, as if he was contemplating running at any moment. “Nice computer,” Eggsy said.

Harry glanced at it with mild distaste. “Thank you.” He reached out and picked up a piece of toast, smothered it in marmalade and took a bite. It was still warm, which meant Eggsy had come straight to his room after preparing it. He closed his eyes, suddenly aware of how hungry he was. He hadn’t eaten since the three am food-and-chat session, and it was -

It was past lunch. Oh dear.

He lifted his head to look at Eggsy, taking another bite of toast. Eggsy was half-looking at Harry, his attention almost clearly somewhere else. It was that sort of gaze where you were looking at someone, but at the same time looking _through_ them. Harry was going to take advantage of that, he wasn’t stupid.

Eggsy looked tired. Harry wondered if he had gotten any sleep, or if he’d laid awake for a while like Harry had, then slept like the dead. There was something uncertain to the twist of his lips, as if he wasn’t certain whether he was overstepping or not. Even with his guards up, Eggsy looked lovely. His eyelashes were long, his eyes clear green. His lips were ridiculously kissable (which Harry now knew from experience), and one of his hands was now tightening on Harry’s duvet. Whether it was anxiety or possessiveness, Harry wasn’t sure.

Eggsy cleared his throat, and Harry realized that Eggsy was now watching him stare. Out of a lack of better things to do, Harry simply took another bite of toast, maintaining the eye contact, then turned to eat the bacon. “You’re allowed to look, y’know,” Eggsy said, tilting his head to the side.

Momentarily rendered speechless because his brain hated him, Harry just hummed in agreement. That didn’t require thinking of words. But there Eggsy was, putting Harry under the microscope with those eyes of his. Eggsy had learned far too well during his time in training. It wasn’t a stare meant to unnerve, no. It was an assessment, both of an intimate nature and not.

“Is it hard?” Eggsy scratched a hand through his hair, not looking at Harry. Harry, who blinked at him, not entirely certain what he was asking about. Eggsy sighed, pink high on his cheeks. “Not being able to remember stuff.”

Harry blinked again, the food he’d eaten turning cold in his stomach.

Eggsy seemed to realize he had screwed up, or thought he screwed up, for he slapped his hand to his face with a groan. “Sorry, sorry. I know you don’t like t’talk about it, but.” He rested his forehead against his hand, almost inching further off the bed. “Sorry, I’ll -”

“It is,” Harry said, almost before he could process the words leaving his mouth. But Eggsy stopped moving, his head snapping up and his eyes on Harry’s. Harry looked away, trying to find the right words in his mind. It was easy enough to blame the computer program; it had stressed his brain out enough. He tightened his hands into fists, breakfast forgotten in front of him. “Words don’t come as easily as they used to.” The admission made shame flare through him, and he could feel his cheeks heating.

It was the first time they had talked about it, really. The first time Harry had admitted something was wrong. It made him feel cold all over, his body seizing up as if he was preparing to run, because surely something bad was going to happen. Eggsy was going to realize he’d made a mistake, that he didn’t want to be around someone as broken as Harry, and Harry was going to be left alone with just the memories of kissing him.

“I’m not gonna shoot you.” There was a thread of amusement in Eggsy’s voice, and when Harry opened his eyes, turned his gaze back to Eggsy, he couldn’t quite decipher what Eggsy’s face said, what he was feeling. “Harry.” His voice was soft.

Harry wanted to make a face, but he was too old and dignified for that. So instead he straightened himself up and lifted his head, face still.

Eggsy studied him for a moment, a grin pulling at the edges of his lips. Then Eggsy started laughing, settling more fully on the bed as his body shook.

Harry stared at him, baffled. “What’s so funny?”

That just made Eggsy laugh more. Harry frowned, wanting to reach out and check Eggsy’s temperature. Was he sick? Had he been poisoned?

“Your face,” Eggsy managed. He cackled, winced, held his ribs.

Harry still had no idea what was happening. Too bad there wasn’t a mirror in the room. Had he maybe grown a third eye? If he had, it wasn’t being any use. “What about my face?”

Eggsy’s laughter stopped, but the smile he wore made his eyes crinkle at the corners and threatened to take Harry’s breath away. “There you are.”

Harry opened his mouth and then closed it again, feeling oddly like he had been sent to some fourth dimension where nothing made sense. Maybe he was hallucinating. Oh god. Fay would have his head. Maybe Harry was sitting in his room, on his bed, talking to himself. It was something Merlin would have recorded for posterity, the - wanker. Bollocks.

“You’re not having a stroke, are you?” Mild alarm flashed over Eggsy’s face, and he leaned closer, peering at Harry.

“No,” Harry answered automatically. _Just baffled_ , he thought but didn’t say.

“Done with breakfast?” Eggsy looked at the tray, then back at Harry.

“Yes?” It wasn’t really a question.

Eggsy’s eyes crinkled again, and it was like he was laughing even though he didn’t make a sound. This time he got off the bed, walked around and pressed a quick kiss to Harry’s cheek before picking up the tray and sauntering out the door.

The door closing behind him sounded fairly real, so Harry was pretty certain he wasn’t hallucinating. But he wasn’t entirely sure.

He wasn’t certain how much time he lost to that train of thought before the door opened again and Eggsy came back in, this time with a tablet clutched in his hand.

“Hello.” Harry let his voice warm some, kept his surprise down to a minimum. Whatever Eggsy’s motivation, Harry was quite fond of him, so he would enjoy his company while it was offered. Even if it did do undignified things like baffle him.

“Merlin sent me some paperwork.” Eggsy made a face. “Mind if I stay here to do it?”

“Not at all.” Harry had no idea where he would sit, or whether doing paperwork on his tablet was his actual priority, but he wasn’t going to say no. The memory of Eggsy sleeping on his chest the night before still sent warmth spiraling out from his middle. If there was a chance of a repeat, he wasn’t going to say no to that, either.

Eggsy sat on the bed and scooted back up to the headboard, fussing with the pillows until he propped himself up comfortably. He handed Harry his laptop without looking at him, then placed it on Harry’s lap when Harry didn’t take it. “I won’t watch,” Eggsy said, his brow furrowed as he scowled at something on the tablet.

“Pardon?” Harry couldn’t quite process the words.

“You can do whatever you need to.” Eggsy waved a distracted hand at Harry’s laptop. “I’m guessing Fay’s sending you the same messages she’s sending me.” He rolled his eyes.

Harry opened his mouth to protest and then closed it abruptly. His hands were shaking, so he rested them on the duvet at his sides, tightening them in the fabric to hide their tremors. When Eggsy said nothing, just frowned at his tablet and kept working, Harry slowly lifted the lid of the laptop, deepening his breathing, trying to control himself.

Eggsy didn’t move, didn’t shift. Harry would know; he was watching him out of the corner of his eyes. The reassurance that Eggsy meant what he said, that he was going to give Harry the privacy he wanted, helped some of the tension ebb out of Harry’s shoulders, helped the shaking reduce until it was only mildly annoying.

It helped, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, to basically feel Eggsy’s warmth right next to him. Eggsy was far enough away that his elbow wasn’t poking him in the ribs, but close enough that Harry barely had to reach out to touch him if he so wanted. He took a few more deep breaths, pulled up his program. Reached out and grabbed his glasses and put them on.

Snuck another glance at Eggsy, who hadn’t moved.

Harry forced himself to relax, to stop winding the tension up in his shoulders, because he was going to give himself a hell of a headache. And he got those bad enough already.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt Eggsy’s hand on his thigh, loosely resting there. His thumb started rubbing back and forth, slow and reassuring.

Harry stared at Eggsy, who hadn’t looked up. Instead he’d put a knee closer to his chest, so he could balance the tablet on that while still navigating it with his free hand. Harry forced himself to take a deep breath, to relax. To close his eyes for a moment, focus on the reassuring warmth that radiated from Eggsy’s hand on him, the constant, gentle caress of his thumb.

The fact that Eggsy cared, whether or not Harry got better. Even though he didn’t know how bad it was. Harry wasn’t stupid; he knew Merlin and Eggsy were going to put the pieces together sooner rather than later. Fay was probably going to come out at least once to scold Harry for skipping his therapy.

He wasn’t Kingsman’s worst patient, but he was definitely in the running. But at the moment, it didn’t matter. He made himself take another deep breath, relax, stop tensing up, and went back to matching words. And, okay, letting himself enjoy sitting on his bed, with Eggsy next to him. It wasn’t just about sex, it was about the little things, too. If Harry could wake up like this (preferably with Merlin, but without was tolerable), it -

He stopped that train of thought before it finished. He wasn’t quite ready for that. Instead he reached down and put a hand on top of Eggsy’s, just for a moment, and then got back to work.

**

Harry had actually come out of his bedroom for dinner, but Merlin hadn’t come down from upstairs. Eggsy figured Merlin skipping three meals was more than enough of an invitation to barge into his lab with a plate of dinner. Still, he stood at the base of the stairs for a minute, the plate of food held in his hand.

He shoved the uncertainty away. He didn’t do things halfway, even if Merlin was sort of terrifying about his job. Merlin was also sort of sweet, in his own sort of way. Shite at sweet talk, but Eggsy would have been more surprised the other way around. Taking a deep breath, he headed up the stairs, pleased to reach the top with only a mild twinge of pain. Things were so much better than they had been a month ago.

There were at least four doors lining the walls at irregular intervals. Part of him wanted to stop, nose around and see if he could figure out which one was Merlin’s bedroom. Eggsy was staying in the fourth door down on the right, with his own personal bathroom. Soft rock was playing in the hallway now, a band Eggsy recognized but couldn’t name. It was coming from the second door to the left, an unassuming dark cherry wood with a sliver of light at the bottom.

He debated knocking, then decided mostly against it. Knocked, then twisted the knob, pleased to discover it was unlocked. The door opened to what was most definitely Merlin’s lab. There were three computer monitors on the desk, two more attached to the wall where he could see them. Merlin sat at the desk, his back towards Eggsy and his hands flying over the keyboard.

A few more taps of keys, and the screens dimmed. Merlin swung around, looking at Eggsy with a raised eyebrow.

“You skipped breakfast, lunch, and dinner.” Eggsy let himself sound chiding.

Merlin’s eyes flickered to a clock, then back to Eggsy. For a second it looked like Merlin was going to fight, then he sighed and reached a hand out for the plate. “Thanks.”

“You look like shit,” Eggsy told him as he handed the plate over, and it was the truth. He doubted Merlin had slept in two nights, and while it wasn’t the worst Merlin had ever been, it was to the point that Eggsy wanted to stop it before it got worse.

Merlin shrugged. “There’s lots to do.”

“Bullshite,” Eggsy said flatly. He tapped his glasses, careful not to activate them. “I’ve got my spies.”

Merlin narrowed his eyes at Eggsy, even as he took a bite of dinner. Eggsy had made spaghetti bolognese, something simple yet filling. Even Harry had eaten, and then settled down in the living room. Eggsy crossed his arms over his chest, quite certain he could wait Merlin out. He wasn’t going to let either of them, whatever they were, take shit care of themselves. At least not while he was there and could do something about it.

“Come downstairs.” Eggsy tilted his head towards the staircase. “Harry’s out of his room.”

Something flashed over Merlin’s face before Eggsy could read it, so he filed it away for thinking about later. Instead Merlin looked at him, then looked away, seemingly focused on dinner. Eggsy stood there without moving, dressed in his casual clothes. Sweatpants that trailed around his feet, and a night shirt. Yeah, basically his pajamas. He could do what he wanted, at least right now.

It helped the shirt fit him nicely. The way Merlin’s gaze lingered was more than enough to confirm it.

Merlin cleared his throat, and Eggsy waited patiently. “I’ll be down once I’m done with dinner.”

Eggsy grinned. That was probably going to be the best concession he would get. “I’ll hold you to that.” He quirked an eyebrow at Merlin, ignored his stern look, and skipped back downstairs, closing the door behind him. He stopped a few steps from the bottom, his mobile in his pocket distracting him.

A quick check of the living room confirmed that Harry was still there, stretched out on the couch fiddling with his tablet. It was standard Kingsman issue, the same one Eggsy had. From what Eggsy could see, Harry was playing a card game.

He bit back a smile, then headed back up the stairs as quietly as he could. Merlin would take at least five or ten minutes, more if he felt like procrastinating. That was more than long enough to call Mum, check on how she and Daisy were doing.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to call. It was that he was afraid what she would say, what he would hear. He closed his eyes, mobile in his hand, then went into his bedroom. Dialed her number, tucked the mobile to his ear.

Three rings later he debated hanging up. Maybe it just wasn’t worth it.

“Hello?” Mum’s voice rang warm in the phone. She sounded - good, actually.

Eggsy clutched the phone tighter in surprise. “Mum?”

“Eggsy.” There was a hitch of breath, like Mum had been crying.

“Mum? You okay?” Alarm made Eggsy’s heart beat faster.

“Dean left.” She sniffled, then cut it off. “For good.”

Eggsy blinked at the far wall. “What?”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to leave yet,” Mum added. There was a sharp intake of breath, then her murmuring something to Daisy. “I lived here with your father.”

Eggsy only had dim memories of those days. Memories that had been quickly erased, replaced by something that was a more immediate threat to his life. Still. Progress was progress, and Eggsy was going to take it. “You okay, Mum?”

She was quiet on the other end, as if she was giving the question serious thought. “I will be,” she answered finally. “You coming home soon?”

Eggsy swallowed thickly. “Next weekend,” he said. “I promise.”

There was a bit more small talk before the call ended, and Eggsy sat on the side of his bed, head in his hands. It was a good thing, it really was. But there was an overwhelming part of Eggsy that was swimming with doubt.

How many times had she promised to leave and gone back to him anyway? Had he actually left her, or had she just phrased it that way? He hated that he had to think about it. He hated, utterly hated, that he judged. That he needed to. That he had to weigh the pros and cons to assess whether or not she was telling the truth.

The creaking of a door down the hall and the cessation of Merlin’s music drew his attention. Shit. How long had he been sitting there, staring at the floor? He tossed his mobile onto the nightstand, not able to think about it at the moment, and opened his door.

Merlin was half out of his doorway, his eyebrows raised in Eggsy’s direction. “Thought you were downstairs.”

Eggsy put a smile on his face, shrugged. “Got sidetracked.” He sauntered forward, ignoring Merlin’s expression, and headed down the stairs, trying to keep what was going on in his mind from showing on his face. It was a losing battle, especially since he was about to be in the living room with _both_ of them. But damn if he wasn’t going to give it a shot.

He detoured to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. He wasn’t avoiding Merlin or Harry, nope. Except life apparently hated him, because Merlin followed him into the kitchen, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed.

Eggsy very pointedly didn’t look at him, instead grabbing a couple paracetamol from the bottle near the sink and knocking them back. He wasn’t going to be doing anything good for his ribs, especially not as tense as he was, and he wanted to be able to start physical therapy when the therapist came tomorrow.

“Eggsy,” Merlin said, his voice kind in a way that grated on Eggsy’s nerves.

Eggsy made himself take a deep breath, to try and release some of the tension that bubbled up in him. He wasn’t that sort of bloke, one who let anger build up until it burst out. No, he normally let things roll off his shoulders, didn’t let it get to him. But ever since the bunker, it hadn’t been quite that easy. It wasn’t Merlin’s fault, so Eggsy shouldn’t take it out on him.

“Eggsy.” Merlin’s voice was softer now, but there was something there that made Eggsy shiver. Not heat, but almost understanding. Merlin could probably see how tense his shoulders were, how tightly he was grasping the glass. Part of Eggsy was surprised it hadn’t shattered. It wouldn’t have been the first time. Dean had been the cause of the last one. Why break tradition?

Shit. Eggsy closed his eyes, leaned forward with his hands on the counter, letting his head hang down some. His knuckles were white and his shoulders ached, his neck starting to throb in the way that promised a tension headache. “Shit.”

Merlin’s long, warm hand came to rest against Eggsy’s back, between his shoulder blades. Part of Eggsy wanted to roll out from underneath the touch, part of him wanted to lean into it. So he didn’t move. Didn’t speak. He didn’t want to break the moment, whatever it was. He wasn’t above seeking comfort, not technically. But it was hard. It was hard to admit any sort of vulnerability, especially when he was still trying to adjust to everything that had happened.

Yeah, they’d talked about it, and he’d ended up on the couch with Harry, but it was so easy to believe that he was going to blink and the whole thing would disappear. He was afraid to push forward, to ask for anything, for fear that he’d overstep a boundary. But he was tired of being afraid. He had spent so much of his life fighting, both himself and other people.

“Come here, Eggsy.” Merlin’s hand trailed up to his shoulder, to the point his arm was resting along the line of Eggsy’s shoulders, and he tugged gently.

Eggsy took a shuddering breath and followed, letting Merlin wrap him in his arms. The height advantage let Eggsy tuck his head into the crook of Merlin’s neck, let Merlin rest his head against Eggsy’s without any awkward ducking or angles. It was easier than he expected to let go, to breathe out the tension and relax into Merlin holding him. One of Merlin’s hands stroked up and down his spine, comforting.

He sort of hated it, the fact he felt more comfortable like that. He wasn’t a child, he didn’t need to be comforted like one. But Merlin made him feel _safe_ , in a way his life before never had. That should have been enough to unnerve Eggsy, to make him run away, but it wasn’t. No, he was going to be selfish, and hold onto it as long as he could.

“Eggsy?” Harry’s voice came from the cut-out door between the kitchen and the living room. Concern warmed the words, and even with his face buried in Merlin’s neck, Eggsy could picture what his expression looked like.

_Shit_.

Eggsy could feel his shoulders bunch up, and he was a second from pulling away from Merlin when he felt a steadying hand on his shoulder. It was slightly different than Merlin’s, the fingers slightly shorter and the grip sturdier. He could feel Merlin’s head tilt, but neither spoke. It made jealousy curl in his middle, something he resented. Merlin and Harry had such a shared history. They could obviously understand each other without saying anything.

How was he to compete with that? How was he to keep them from realizing that they didn’t really need him, that he was just an extra to be discarded?

He felt his breath hitch and clamped his mouth shut, squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his face against Merlin’s jumper. He wasn’t going to cry. That was fucking ridiculous, and he wasn’t ridiculous like that. But fuck if he could keep the emotion from bubbling up, threatening to choke him.

Harry pressed against his back, and the wanker pressed a kiss to his hair, then leaned forward slightly to give Merlin a kiss, Eggsy would have bet. Even though he couldn’t see. Merlin’s hand shifted to allow Harry to hold Eggsy, too. Eggsy didn’t even want to think about how weird they looked. It felt weird enough, being held by two people. Two men he was sort of ridiculously infatuated with and yeah, they’d said they liked him back, but Eggsy’s brain still hadn’t really caught on to the whole conversation, and…

Harry’s hand was reassuring, brushing up and down his side, Merlin’s arm around his shoulders, holding him close and grounding him. Harry’s other arm was wrapped around both Eggsy and Merlin, to the point Eggsy could put his hand over Harry’s, feel grounded by him, too. Harry was murmuring something, his head on the opposite side of Eggsy’s from Merlin, and Merlin was murmuring back, even if the words didn’t make any sense.

Eggsy stayed there, eyes closed, one hand fisted in Merlin’s jumper and the other clinging to Harry’s arm, until his breathing steadied. Embarrassment flooded him; what the hell was he going to do now? He was quite certain that running to his room and locking himself in there wasn’t going to happen. For one, Merlin could probably unlock every room in his house. And two, both Harry and Merlin were taller than he was, and more than fast enough to grab him before he got far enough away.

Not that he was entirely certain they would, but he doubted they would let him get away without at least a chat. “I’m thirsty,” Eggsy said instead, hoping they would understand what he actually meant.

Harry let go first, took a half-step back. Then Merlin. It left Eggsy feeling oddly vulnerable, exposed, even though neither man was more than six inches away. He lifted his head, met Merlin’s eyes, who was watching him with mild concern. There was a warmth there, too, that took his breath away.

_Fuck._

That was one way to get the energy out, at least. He was so far gone for both of them. It was an easy decision.

Eggsy took the half-step forward and went up on his toes to capture Merlin’s mouth with his, clearly catching him off guard. Still, Merlin steadied him, leaned down slightly to ease the crick in Eggsy’s neck, kissed him back. It made Eggsy’s head spin, feeling Merlin’s tongue against his own, the way Merlin pulled him flush against the warm length of his body. He let out a soft gasp into Merlin’s mouth, felt Merlin pull him closer in response.

Eggsy reached a hand out behind him, most of his attention still on the kiss. It took him a few seconds, but Harry must have clued in, because he let Eggsy grab his arm. Eggsy took Harry’s hand and slid it up the back of his shirt as best he could from the awkward angle, before letting go to put the hand on Merlin’s hip, steadying himself. The fact that it slotted their hips together, Eggsy’s cock lining up with the hot line of Merlin’s - that was a bonus.

Harry’s fingers splayed over the dip in Eggsy’s lower back, almost hesitant, fingertips almost tucking into the waistband of Eggsy’s sweats and light on the curve of his arse. Eggsy broke the kiss with Merlin, his head spinning and his breath coming too quickly. Harry’s hand slid up Eggsy’s back, the shirt rucking up with it. Eggsy tilted his head towards him, seeing that Harry was now close enough to touch, his gaze decidedly interested.

“May I?” Harry asked, polite as ever, hands almost poised to take Eggsy’s shirt off.

“Yeah,” Eggsy said, more breathless than he would’ve particularly liked. He moved just enough back from Merlin that Harry could take his shirt off, not feeling a twinge of complaint from his ribs when he lifted his arms. Whether it was paracetamol or adrenaline, Eggsy was grateful. Harry’s arms wrapped around his middle, fingers splaying possessively just under Eggsy’s rib cage. Harry pulled Eggsy back flush against him, his hard cock nestling between Eggsy’s arse cheeks.

Eggsy shivered, arousal thrumming through him and making him feel dizzy. He was completely hard now, energy burning through his veins. He wanted, he needed - he didn’t know what, but that was an inconsequential detail.

Harry’s hands moved to Eggsy’s hips, spun him in place so he was facing Harry. Harry, who looked wrecked already, hair ruffled and eyes dark with want. Harry let his thumbs rub over the jut of Eggsy’s hip bones, slowly, teasing. Eggsy inhaled sharply and bit his lips, lifting up on his toes as they threatened to curl with pleasure. It got even worse when Merlin leaned in, nipping at the sensitive skin of his neck and then soothing the rapidly-reddening marks with his tongue.

Then Harry was holding Eggsy’s head in his stupidly large hands and kissing him. Harry didn’t kiss like a gentleman, no. There was no polite refinement, no please-and-thank-you. Harry was the type of kisser who took what he wanted, who tilted Eggsy’s head just this way and that to make the angle deeper, who tugged on Eggsy’s lip with his teeth until it was borderline pain/pleasure, who slid one hand up to torment Eggsy’s nipples ruthlessly, giving no quarter.

Eggsy whimpered into Harry’s mouth, trapped between both of them. Merlin’s hands were on his waistband now, fingertips just ducking inside. Whether it was a question or a tease, Eggsy didn’t have enough brain cells to figure out. Harry’s thumbs swirled around his nipples, and he arched his back and moaned, loud and unabashed. There was no way he was going to last long, not with both of them working in tandem like that.

“Not fair,” he managed into Harry’s mouth, trying to get enough oxygen back into his brain so he didn’t pass out.

He could _feel_ Harry smirk against him, the wanker.

Eggsy almost whined when Harry pulled back, feeling oddly unnerved by the lack of his hands on his skin. But that didn’t last long. Merlin was against him now, fingers sliding up Eggsy’s body to tweak his nipples, rolling them between his obscenely long fingers. Eggsy’s breath was short and sharp now, and he was so hard he could barely think. His nipples burned, the duel between pain-pleasure sending electric jolts straight to his cock.

“My bedroom, I should think,” Harry said, calm as could be. But when Eggsy looked at him, Harry’s eyes were hungry, his body language predatory. He looked ready to jump Eggsy the moment he made it through the door.

“Works for me.” Eggsy wriggled out of Merlin’s grasp, heading towards Harry’s bedroom and shucking his clothes in the process. It was going to be something that happened at one point, might as well be now. It helped that he was the first through the door.

Harry came through next, his eyebrows raised. “A gentleman doesn’t leave their clothes on the floor when a guest at someone else’s home.”

“Gentlemen don’t want to fuck someone as much as I want to fuck you,” Eggsy retorted. He heard Merlin chuckle as he walked in the bedroom, closing the door behind him. He stood where he was, arms at his side. Both Harry and Merlin were looking at him now, scanning his body, gazes appreciative. It sent shivers down Eggsy’s spine, but in a pleased sort of way.

He could tell that they liked what they saw, and for all his insecurities about the nature of their relationship, it was gratifying to see the blatant desire in their eyes.

“But there’s time for that later, yeah?” Eggsy arched an eyebrow at Harry, who merely tilted his head in return.

“What exactly did you have in mind?” Merlin was the one who raised his eyebrows back. It was an oddly sexy gesture, with his eyes as dark as they were. Merlin normally looked intense, but he was on a different level now.

That was the advantage, in Eggsy’s opinion, of bespoke trousers. Even the rumpled cashmere sweater couldn’t hide how hard Merlin was, and Harry’s pajamas hid even less. Eggsy shrugged, excitement rippling through him. “Dunno.”

Harry looked at Merlin, who looked back. Merlin looked thoughtful. Harry looked pleased.

Eggsy was in a fuckton of trouble.

“Lay down, if you please,” Harry said pleasantly. “Merlin, if you would?”

Merlin hummed his agreement, reaching down to pull off his cashmere jumper. Then he moved forward, messing with the pillows on Harry’s bed. “If you would?”

Eggsy blinked, distracted by Harry politely stripping out of his clothes and folding them before placing them on top of the draw. He turned to Merlin, who was watching him like a hawk, his gaze lingering on Eggsy’s body, sliding down the lines of his shoulders and down his sides.

Eggsy swallowed thickly, arousal lurching through him in a way that made it distinctly difficult to concentrate. “Yeah, okay.” He gingerly sat on the bed, pleased when his ribs didn’t complain, and then moved laid in the middle on his back, just next to the pillows Merlin had assembled.

“Hips, please,” Merlin said politely. The only sign that he was as affected as Eggsy was the thickening of his accent, the Scottish brogue rolling his words in a way that made Eggsy swallow thickly, anticipation curling inside of him. He lifted up his hips, not missing the way Merlin traced the curve of his arse with his fingers, leaving goosebumps in their wake. He purposefully didn’t touch Eggsy’s cock or bollocks, which Eggsy found personally rude. He wanted to be touched so badly it _hurt_. Merlin settled the pillow underneath him, and Eggsy settled back down.

“Shoulders, please.” Merlin tapped Eggsy’s shoulders gently, kept his hand on Eggsy’s back when he moved as if to help if needed. And yeah, that probably hurt a bit more than it should have, but once Merlin had put the pillow under his shoulders and he was settled with his head tilted back, it didn’t hurt. It was weird looking at Merlin upside down, but Eggsy’s skin hummed. He could guess what was coming, at least a bit.

Harry was naked now, fully hard, the head of his cock a dark red. Eggsy swallowed. Harry was a bit bigger than he had expected, but Harry was a gentleman, so if he was going to fuck Eggsy, he’d make sure he was well prepped. Instead Harry tugged at Merlin, who turned to look at him. Harry leaned forward and kissed him, the soft moans and slick noises sounding obscene to Eggsy’s ears.

Eggsy propped himself up on his shoulders, watching as Harry divested Merlin of his clothing. It was about as hot as he had expected, watching the two of them together. They moved in syncrony, almost anticipating each other’s movements until Merlin stood there, naked, and their kisses turned soft and sweet.

“I’m still here,” Eggsy said, letting his voice sound petulant.

Harry turned to look at him, and his grin was wicked. “We haven’t forgotten, dear Eggsy.”

Well if that didn’t send a flare of arousal through Eggsy. He could feel his balls tighten, his cock getting even harder. He was leaking onto his stomach, but he kept his hands to himself, for now.

“Lay back, now,” Harry added.

Skeptical yet trusting the other two all the same, Eggsy did. He could feel one of them settling between his legs, hear the other one walking towards the side of the bed, but he kept his gaze on the ceiling. His body was thrumming, the touch of a hand on him sparking electric shocks through his limbs.

“May I?” Merlin asked, using a finger to turn Eggsy’s chin so they could lock eyes.

“Yeah,” Eggsy said, breathless. He wasn’t sure what he was saying yes to, but no wasn’t an option, not right now. Not to him.

Then Merlin bloody climbed on top of him, settling carefully so that his cock was near Eggsy’s mouth.

It was quite a nice view, Eggsy decided. He could see Merlin’s face, as distorted as it was. His cock was a good view too. Not as thick as Harry’s, but longer. Eggsy’s mouth watered.

“Patience,” Merlin chided, his brogue thick.

Eggsy pouted.

Merlin rolled his eyes, looked over his shoulder. He seemed satisfied with whatever he saw (yeah okay Eggsy couldn’t see past him, that sort of sucked, what was Harry doing?), for he tilted his hips forward and let Eggsy take his cock into his mouth.

Eggsy’s eyes fluttered shut and he focused on the feel of Merlin, the way he tasted. Like cock, duh, but more complex than that. He tongued under Merlin’s glans, hollowing his cheeks when Merlin inhaled sharply.

His attention was divided when Harry finally touched him, fingers stroking up and down Eggsy’s inner thighs. Eggsy made a confused noise, which probably wasn’t really interpretable around Merlin’s cock, but he worked with what he had. Harry just chuckled, which probably didn’t bode well for Eggsy’s composure any time soon, so he decided to deal with the loss of his dignity later.

Eggsy slid a hand down his body, going for his cock, only to be batted away by Harry. He made a noise of protest, was shushed by Merlin gently running his fingers through his hair, tilting him back just a little bit further so he could fuck his mouth just that much deeper. Eggsy moaned around Merlin’s cock, grateful for his lack of gag reflex.

Then Harry’s hands were on his arse, spreading him open, and Eggsy’s eyes shot open. He could feel Harry’s breath against him, and then -

Eggsy didn’t squeal, he wasn’t undignified. But the noise he let out when Harry’s tongue touched his hole was higher pitched than he would have liked. Merlin chuckled, the noise reverberating down to where Eggsy’s mouth was stretched around him. Eggsy squirmed, trying to decide which way to push or pull.

Merlin’s hand settled in Eggsy’s hair, not pulling, just gently holding him there. Eggsy relaxed his shoulders, his throat, letting Merlin use his mouth as he wanted. Pleasure was starting to coil in his gut, making him uncomfortably warm all over. He was probably flushed, all the way down his neck and onto his chest.

Harry moved his tongue over Eggsy’s hole in long, broad strokes, making the muscles in Eggsy’s thighs twitch. Harry, being the bastard that he was, held him down effortlessly, not letting him move or do anything. Eggsy sort of liked it that way, liked his hands at his sides, helpless and at their mercy.

His eyes closed again, his breath hitching around Merlin’s cock as Harry started kissing him there, longer and longer until Eggsy could feel himself start to loosen. He let out a long series of moans, trying to tilt his hips closer towards Harry’s mouth with no success. The head of Merlin’s cock hit the back of his throat, and Eggsy swallowed instinctively. Merlin moaned above him, the first noise Eggsy had heard him make.

But god he wanted to hear more.

Harry was sliding the tip of his tongue inside Eggsy, spearing him in a way that made Eggsy’s head spin. He whimpered, fingers clutching at the sheet underneath him. His cock was hard against him, dribbling precome onto his belly, but he was so close to coming. He knew just one or two strokes would be enough. He needed something, some friction, anything -

“Eggsy.” Harry’s voice was chiding. Eggsy didn’t realize he’d gone for his cock until Harry stopped him.

Eggsy muttered the best he could around Merlin. Wankers.

But then Merlin was tilting him just that bit more, fucking down his throat and making Eggsy gag. All he wanted was more; he didn’t mind that he couldn’t breathe, that the whimpers escaping him were breathy and almost pitiful.

Then a finger was teasing at the edge of his rim, around where Harry’s tongue was inside him, and Eggsy stopped breathing. He started breathing, he had to, because he didn’t pass out, but he was certain the sounds he was making would be enough to wake the neighbors.

Good thing Merlin didn’t have any.

“Excellent, Eggsy,” Merlin rumbled, his eyes meeting Eggsy’s.

Eggsy swallowed around him, feeling Merlin’s moan as he pushed in just that bit deeper. The way Merlin or Harry complimented him made him warm all over, made him pleasantly dizzy, and already on the verge of coming, it was even worse. It was hard to focus, hard to think, between Merlin’s cock in his mouth and the way Harry had his fingertip inside him now, tongue lapping at the edges.

His chest was heaving now, his thighs shaking as neither of them let up. It felt like everything was building up inside him, like a wave was about to crash. He whimpered, tried to fuck himself on Harry’s tongue, his fingers, anything, but was held still by both of them. For some reason it just made him harder, made him want more.

Then the wave crashed, and Eggsy moaned around Merlin’s cock, the large muscles in his thighs trembling as he came all over his stomach, untouched.

But Harry didn’t let up. If anything, he licked more, pressed further. Eggsy whimpered, overstimulated, his hands coming up to clutch Merlin’s hips.

“If you want to stop, you can shove Merlin,” Harry said, his voice husky.

“Oi.” Merlin sounded both offended and distracted, but there was no bite to his tone. Instead it was pleasure-drunk, his breathing rapid and harsh, his pace starting to stutter. Eggsy relaxed his jaw, let Merlin fuck him, eyes half-closed as his whole world revolved around the tongue in his arse and the cock in his mouth.

Then Merlin thrust in once, twice, hips stuttering, and he groaned as he came down Eggsy’s throat, the rumble sending shivers down Eggsy’s spine, leaving him pleasantly wrung out and wanting more at the same time.

Harry was still going, the utter bastard, teasing and probing and driving Eggsy mad. Eggsy whimpered as Merlin pulled out of his mouth, feeling his cock start to harden again, driven relentlessly by Harry’s ministrations.

“Wanker,” Eggsy managed, his voice hoarse.

Merlin huffed out a laugh, moving off Eggsy and sprawling out next to him, instead. He was far too composed for someone who had just had his dick sucked, but Eggsy could rectify that later. He had bigger priorities at the moment.

“Fuck,” Eggsy breathed. Harry added a second finger, started spearing him open. It hurt but it didn’t, the pain-pleasure sparking several centers in his brain. He was painfully hard now, cock dribbling precome onto the mess on his middle.

Merlin turned his head to Harry. “He’s good at that, isn’t he?” he asked Eggsy conversationally. The only sign of what had happened was the roughness to his voice, the thickening of his accent.

Eggsy grunted in agreement, then moaned when Harry slid a fingertip all the way in, searching for the spot inside -

Eggsy yelped, pleasure swimming through him and suddenly on the edge of another orgasm. The pain-pleasure was almost overwhelming. He clenched his eyes shut, half wanting to sob and half wanting to beg for more.

Then Merlin was sprawled out next to him, kissing him. Kissing all the noises from his lips, the breath from his mouth. Eggsy wasn’t coordinated; he didn’t have enough brainpower left for that, so he just leaned into Merlin’s hands, kissed haphazardly. Merlin nibbled at his bottom lip, sucked on his tongue, every action sending arousal coursing through him.

Eggsy let out a half-sob. He was so hard it was painful, his balls drawing up tight, but Harry was doing well at teasing him, keeping him just on the edge without going over.

Merlin’s clever, long fingers pinched his nipple and Eggsy arched his back, moaning into Merlin’s mouth. Merlin captured that, too, tongue mapping Eggsy’s mouth out like there would be an exam on it. It slid slickly across his teeth, setting Eggsy’s nerve endings on fire.

Then Merlin’s fingers pinched harder, scraped his nails, and Harry’s fingers grazed over that spot, and Eggsy was coming for the second time, whimpering and hips jerking and all of the muscles in his body twitching. He was fairly certain he whited out for a few seconds, his brain fuzzy when he finally returned to earth. His chest was heaving, and he could feel Merlin’s hand stroke up and down his side reassuringly.

Harry wiped his mouth off, his face far too smug for Eggsy’s comfort, but all he could do was wave a hand in his direction.

“Would you like to watch?” Merlin asked Eggsy, glancing at Harry.

Eggsy nodded. It should have driven him jealous, the way Merlin gave him a quick kiss and then moved Harry so that Eggsy could watch as Merlin took him down all at once. But it didn’t. Instead he felt arousal flicker in his gut, his spent cock twitching as Merlin hollowed his cheeks, head bobbing. Eggsy couldn’t tell for certain, but from the way Harry’s breath sharpened, hitched, Merlin was probably sliding a finger inside. Just the tip, since they had no lube, but it was obviously enough for Harry.

Harry was nearly silent as he came, his only warning a choked-off breath followed by a long sigh. Merlin swallowed it down, licked his lips. Pressed a quick kiss to Harry’s forehead.

Eggsy tested his muscles, finding himself pleasantly able to sit up. Sort of. His neck was going to hurt like a bitch, but he could deal with that later. “Next time you go upside down,” he told Merlin, who looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “Or get me a better pillow.”

Harry snorted from where he was, laying further down on the bed.

Merlin glanced around, the disappeared into the bathroom, leaving Eggsy sprawled on the bed with Harry not too far away. Eggsy looked down at his come-covered stomach and wrinkled his nose. He didn’t particularly want to move, but that wasn’t going to be fun to take care of, not down the road.

Then Merlin emerged from the bathroom with a couple of warm wash cloths, and proceeded to clean Eggsy off. Eggsy hummed his approval, most of his brain still somewhere else. There was an amused grin on Harry’s face, when it loomed into view, and even Merlin had a smile.

When Merlin came back, there was hesitation on his face.

Eggsy pulled on Harry’s arm and reached for Merlin’s, making grabby-hands in his direction.

Merlin gave him what he probably thought was a stern look. It wasn’t. Merlin looked too well-fucked to pull off stern. But it worked. Merlin came and sat on the edge of the bed, still naked, looking down at Eggsy.

“Stay?” Eggsy felt the flutter of vulnerability in his chest. He was putting himself out there, asking for something he wanted. Something flashed across Merlin’s face, something almost like pain, but it was gone fast enough that Eggsy wasn’t certain if he had hallucinated it.

“If I must,” Merlin said, like he was the most put-upon person ever.

Drama queen. Eggsy ignored him, and Harry helped him move the pillows until they were assembled at the top of the bed. The duvet hadn’t ended up too messy, just creased. It was serviceable. Harry crawled in on the left, his movements uncertain but warm. Merlin hesitated, then crawled in on Eggsy’s other side. It was easy enough to kiss one of them, then the other, and to curl up in bed.

Harry’s chest was to his back, Merlin’s chest to Eggsy’s. Harry had an arm wrapped around Eggsy possessively, and Merlin’s was right above his, fingers loosely on Eggsy’s back. Eggsy caught his breath, forced it back to stable. The energy had burnt out, and disbelief, shock, had taken its place.

Then Harry’s breathing eased, then Merlin’s, their eyes slowly closing, shifting slightly until they were comfortable and eventually asleep.

Eggsy let himself take a deep breath, let himself relax into the comfort of what had happened and the men he loved - yeah, loved, he was a fucking sap - wrapped around him. It wasn’t forever, but he would take it for as long as it was.

He was selfish like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not quite sure when the next update will be. Going back into drafting mode, so it means writing time will be scarce for a bit to save the hands. We'll see! But I assure you, I have not forgotten this fic or these lovely, lovely men.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Life got a bit crazy.

It took Merlin a few moments for his brain to catch up when his eyes opened. He froze, his muscles stiffening. He could feel the warmth of Eggsy’s back against his hand, could feel the way one of Eggsy’s hands grazed his hip. Eggsy was still asleep, his mouth slightly open and his face relaxed.

Merlin forced himself to take a few deep breaths, trying to keep his body as still as possible as to not wake the others. Last night flooded through him, memories and sensations warring in his mind. He was awake now, and knew he wasn’t going back to sleep. But he didn’t think that he could stand laying in bed with them for the next how many hours.

It was a challenge to twist just enough to see the clock, without disturbing Eggsy or Harry. Inwardly he groaned. 2:14. By his calculation, he’d been asleep four or five hours. If Lyonnesse was still up to her tricks, he only had an hour and a half before he would be locked out of his workstation anyway.

He steeled himself and studied Eggsy, the way his chest rose and fell, how his eyelids moved in his sleep. It was something Merlin had been able to see through cameras, but this was the first time in his home that he had seen it up close. Eggsy relaxed more than he had at the lab, at the Mansion. There was an openness to his face that Merlin hadn’t seen before. A surge of affection threatened to wreck him. Eggsy was such a good young man, he deserved the world.

Did Merlin really have a right to be doing what he was? But Eggsy had been given the decision. Even if Merlin had kicked the ball down the hill, Eggsy had said yes.

Then there was Harry. Merlin shifted slightly, as slowly as he could trying to ease out from Eggsy’s grip. Eggsy grumbled in his sleep, tightening his grip on Merlin, Then Harry started to stir.

_ Shit _ .

Eggsy grumbled again, but Merlin grabbed the pillow and let Eggsy wrap his arms around it. He did, mumbling something incoherent and seemingly going back to sleep. It probably wasn’t the best substitute, but it was something. Harry lifted his head, his arm around Eggsy’s waist moving.

Merlin held a finger to his lips, sitting on the side of the bed now.

Harry blinked at him sleepily, then understanding dawned there. Merlin hesitated, looking at the two of them. It made his heart lurch, made his head spin, but he leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to Eggsy’s head, then a second to Harry’s lips. He could feel Harry watching him as he stood and got dressed. Well, sort of dressed. It was his version of pajamas. Sweatpants and a t-shirt.

By the time he stood in the doorway, Harry had already fallen back asleep. His arm was possessive about Eggsy’s waist, his lips near the nape of Eggsy’s neck. Instead of jealousy, Merlin just felt - 

He wasn’t sure how to put it into words. There was fondness there, sadness. A knowledge that he would do almost anything to make either of them happy. And wasn’t that dangerous?

Turning his mind away from dangerous subjects, he left the room, closing the door quietly behind him as he headed into his lab. Hesitating for a few seconds, he locked the door behind him. He needed some time to get his head back on, regain his equilibrium. The magnitude of everything was hitting hard.

He looked at his phone, debated. Reached out to pick it up and then stopped. He would never hear the end of it, and he knew it.

He sighed. Fuck it.

He dialed Eiric’s number and put the mobile to his ear. She wouldn’t admit it, pretending to be all cultured or something, but she kept as weird hours as he did.

“This is a surprise,” Eiric drawled. “What’s up, baby brother?”

“Don’t call me that,” Merlin said immediately. “You sound like you’re twelve.”

“You really are worked up over something, aren’t you?” Eiric sounded a bit more pensive.

Merlin wanted to grumble, but it would just be confirming what she said. “No.”

“That’s a yes.” He could practically hear Eiric leaning back in her chair.

“I’m regretting this call,” Merlin muttered.

“No you’re not.” Eiric sounded amused.

She was right, too. Even just hearing the sarcasm in her voice made his shoulders ease up.

“Tailoring orders keeping you up?” There wasn’t even much of a teasing lilt to Eiric’s voice.

“When did you turn into a mind reader?” Merlin leaned back in his chair, tapping his foot on the floor in the one nervous habit he allowed himself to indulge in on occasion.

“I’ve always been one, baby brother.” Then there was a pause. “It’s that boy, isn’t it?”

Merlin stopped himself before he made a face at the wall. He was an adult, and mature. Or something.

“Or is it that boy and the other one?” Eiric seemed to be connecting the dots fairly quickly. “You left fairly quickly after lunch. Drove, too.”

Merlin opened his mouth and then closed it. “Stalker.”

“Like you have room to talk.” Okay, she was right. Voyeurism ran in the family, after all.

“How many ops are you running at the moment?” he dared.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Iain,” she replied primly. “I’m taking catering orders right now, thank you.”

“At two in the morning?” He snorted. Some of the tension eased from his shoulders, and his chest felt less tight. It wasn’t anxiety, necessarily. It was...well, okay, it was anxiety. He didn’t regret his decision, not really. He just wasn’t certain that anything they had could overcome the issues that were to be set in front of them.

“Iain.” Eiric’s voice was unusually gentle. “You can talk to me.”

He could, and that was the problem. He scrubbed his hand over his head, then took his glasses off, fiddling with them. “How do Fiona and Rory deal with what you do?” There was an admission in his words, and he hated it.

Eiric made a soft noise of understanding. Then she was quiet for a few moments, as if she was deciding what to say. Merlin wouldn’t have been surprised if she was trying to figure out what was classified and what wasn’t. “It helps they understand the risks of what’s involved,” she said carefully.

Merlin read between her words. “They assist with your catering business, then?” He let her pick that metaphor.

“Like yours do with your tailoring business,” Eiric agreed. It was an uneasy sort of - no, it was an easy sort of truce. A shared acknowledgment.

Well, that explained a lot about Eiric and her relationship. Relationships. Whatever.

“You’re looking for a closed group, aren’t you?” Eiric asked before Merlin could say anything.

Merlin blamed it on the fact it was two thirty in the morning when he sighed. “Yeah.”

There was a surprised sound on the other end of the line, as if Eiric hadn’t actually expected him to admit that. To be fair, Merlin hadn’t expected it either. “He’s much younger, isn’t he?”

“Just cut to the chase,” Merlin grumbled. He shifted in his chair, unease prickling under his skin. He had never talked with her about his relationships. To be fair, he had never really had many. Eiric was like him, too. Kept mostly to herself. But she had found two people she cared about. Was he really that lucky?

“It’s not insurmountable,” Eiric said. “And he’s mad about you.”

This time Merlin let himself make a face. “That’s something you say about a-”

“Young man like Eggsy?” Eiric teased.

“Why did I call you, again?” 

“Because it makes you feel better.” She kept her voice light so the truth of it didn’t swamp them.

“I don’t know why,” Merlin muttered for good measure. Just so she knew that he was putting up with her.

“Take a risk, Iain, for one time in your life.” Eiric’s voice was soft.

“I’ve taken plenty of risks,” Merlin protested.

“Have you?”

Merlin was silent.

“Have you really, Iain?” There was something underneath her words, something that he couldn’t name but could guess. Regret, sadness. There was something in her history she wasn’t sharing, and he was okay with that.

“I’m done having heartfelt conversation,” Merlin decided.

“As if.” Eiric snorted. “If this is heartfelt, no wonder you’re worried.”

That hit a little bit too close to home. He clutched his mobile a bit tighter and didn’t speak.

Eiric sighed. “Iain.”

“I’m starting to get irritated by you saying my name,” Merlin said, tucking the mobile between his ear and shoulder, crossing his arms and leaning back into the chair.

“You’re always irritated when I say your name,” Eiric countered. She was right, too. “Iain, I know you suck at sweet talk. That’s never been our specialty.”

Merlin was silent on the other end of the line. It was true. Their parents had always been warm and smiling, their siblings too. Both had grown up almost isolated in a large family, grateful for the warmth but not knowing what to do with it.

“Actions speak louder than words,” she said. “Remember that.”

Merlin let out a long breath. “Thanks.”

“Now, go wake up your boys and declare your love.” Eiric was grinning.

Merlin rolled his eyes. “I’m hanging up now.”

She beat him, hanging up before his thumb could touch the key. He leaned back in his chair, then sat back up, typing on the keyboard until the camera in Harry’s room activated. They were still asleep, Harry still holding Eggsy close.

Part of Merlin itched to go crawl back in bed, spend more time with them and hold onto the moment that was there between them. It wasn’t like this would last long, not really. Two to four weeks, and they would be back at the mansion, at their real lives. Eggsy was going to start therapy tomorrow, working with the physical therapist in one of the smaller cottages on the land that had been set up for his therapy. Harry seemed to be making progress, albeit reluctantly.

Yeah, okay, Merlin was going to admit that he had watched the whole Harry/Eggsy thing in his bedroom, where they sat together and worked. Part of him was jealous, but not of them being together. His work would never really allow him to do that. Even if Harry became Arthur, Merlin was always the one who managed all of the moving pieces, and there was always a chance that something would happen that either of them weren’t supposed to see.

It was easy to sit there and question all of his decisions, wonder if he was making the right choice. What would happen if he threw himself into it wholeheartedly, let himself jump and take the risk? Would the world really end?

He logged into his work program, not surprised when a timer appeared in the top right corner. Apparently she was cutting him off at 3am, now. To be fair, she let him back into the system around 9am. And if there were any emergencies, she could always reach him.

Merlin glanced at the camera, at the two men laying there. He turned to his work program, sorted things as quickly as he could and only took care of what had to be done in the next few hours and couldn’t be handled by Lyonnesse. There wasn’t much.

For the first time in a long time, he logged out of the system before he was locked out. He took his glasses off and folded them into his hand, shut down his lab and turned off the lights. He wasn’t certain if the room had ever been properly closed before. It had been so easy to just leave it running, to work until he dropped.

The house was slightly blurry without his glasses, but he knew it well enough to make his way back downstairs and into Harry’s bedroom. He hesitated with his hand on the doorframe, then entered. The room was dim but not too dark to see, a couple soft lights near the wall casting just enough brightness for Merlin to not trip over something.

Okay, that bit he hadn’t quite thought through. Was there a way to get back under the covers near them without waking both of them? The clock read 2:53. He had been gone just over a half hour.

He lifted the duvet as carefully as he could and slid under it, moving carefully to not rock the bed.

“Welcome back,” Eggsy murmured, one eye half-opened and focused blearily on Merlin’s face.

Merlin froze. Shit. “Sorry,” he said, not sure what else to say.

Eggsy snorted, or that’s what Merlin hoped the noise was. “Shut up and go to sleep.”

“Manners,” Harry muttered from behind Eggsy.

Merlin bit back a smile. He wasn’t sleepy, not really. He had his tablet next to his glasses on the lowest setting. In a moment of inspiration, he turned onto his other side, his back now pressed up against Eggsy’s chest and leaving him sandwiched.

Very carefully, Merlin set that train of thought aside to think about later.

His shoulders were broad enough that he could use his tablet without the light getting to the other two, even if he felt Eggsy’s hand settle on his hip underneath the clothes. He felt Harry squeeze his thigh, then his hand disappeared, presumably back to Eggsy’s.

It was terrifying, how much his heart swelled at what was happening. His chest felt tight, but he felt warm and comfortable all over. Could someone be anxious and relaxed at the same time? If so, that was him.

He took a few deep breaths, let some of the tension settle out of his shoulders. Eggsy’s body was warm against his, even through the shirt. Merlin reached up and squeezed Eggsy’s hand on his hip, and then settled in to get some work done while he could. Lyonessee may have kicked him out of the system proper, but he could still access the stupid reports he had to sign.

**

Waking up wasn’t exactly like Eggsy had imagined. For one, he was too hot. Not even in a way he appreciated. The duvet combined with both Merlin and Harry left him a bit sweatier than he would have liked. He was also trapped in the middle, which left the dilemma of how to get out of there without waking them.

Then again, given that he was facing Merlin’s back instead of his front, Merlin had obviously moved during the night. Maybe he was awake? It wouldn’t have surprised Eggsy.

But Harry was holding tightly onto him, arm around his waist. Which was endearing, and made Eggsy’s heart flutter, but it also made it difficult to make it out from underneath him. Bugger. It was one of those things people never really addressed in those fictional romance novels.

Carefully he picked up Harry’s hand, trying to slowly move it back towards Harry so he could sneak out from underneath it. He wasn’t quite sure how to, at the moment, but he was going to give it a try.

Merlin twisted next to him, and Eggsy froze.

“Here.” Merlin’s voice was whisper-soft, but he rolled to get up, leaving Eggsy with enough room to scramble out from under the covers.

“It is way too early to be awake,” Harry muttered.

Eggsy bit back a laugh, half-off the bed. “Then go back to sleep.”

Harry waved a hand vaguely in Eggsy’s direction and rolled onto his stomach, sticking his head in the pillow.

Eggsy looked at Merlin, who was watching Harry with a skeptical expression. “Make sure he doesn’t suffocate himself?”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “I’ll watch him, promise.”

Eggsy didn’t let himself hesitate before he darted close enough to press a quick, closed-mouth kiss to Merlin’s lips before standing up and stretching. Naked and sweaty was something that worked so much better in theory than it did in practice. He snagged a pair of Harry’s boxers on his way out to the living area, winking at Merlin as he did so. Merlin had gotten back in bed, Harry still on his front and Merlin propped up against the headboard with a tablet in hand.

Harry muttered something unintelligible into his pillow.

Eggsy couldn’t stop a snicker. Harry’s hair was sticking up everywhere, and the duvet was starting to ride down his back, revealing the long, lean lines of muscle. Later, Eggsy decided. He could think about it later.

He skipped up the steps, taking them two or three at a time, and then sauntered into his bedroom, grabbing a change of clothes. He let himself take his time in the shower, wondering if next time he could get away with inviting one of them with him. That would be a fabulous way to start the day, Eggsy decided.

His stomach dropped. Rehab started today. Most of him was excited, sort of. He wanted to get back to being a Kingsman. But there was a lot of him that was worried. What if the doctors had been wrong? It would have been Eggsy’s luck, that’s for sure. Had he used all of his luck up on Harry/Merlin?

Nerves prickled across his skin and he shivered, feeling cold despite the hot water raining on him and steaming up the bathroom. What if there was something they had missed? What if he could never be a Kingsman?

He finished his shower quicker than expected, not even lingering long enough to get off. It was hard to indulge when your stomach felt like it was full of rocks. Still, he toweled off and slid Harry’s boxers up his legs, pleased when they fit rather well. Next was a pair of gym pants, and a work-out shirt. He was going to get sweaty and painful during PT, so he might as well dress for it.

He stopped just in front of the door out to the rest of Merlin’s house, reminding himself to breathe. Everything would be fine. Why was he nervous? The injuries hadn’t even been that bad, not really. Fuck. He scrubbed a hand through his wet hair, making it stand on end. “Fuck,” he said to no one. It was guilt that was dragging him down, making him feel suffocated.

For once, gratefully, it wasn’t related to Harry or Merlin. No. It was thinking about what would happen when he went back to Kingsman, the people he would kill. The families he could destroy. He knew better than a lot of people what the death of a parent could do to a child.

Part of him wanted to punch the wall. But beyond Merlin having his head for breaking his house, Eggsy knew it wouldn’t do any good. Part of the problem was his activity restriction. He hadn’t been able to run, to really do anything, since before V-day. All of that energy bubbled under his skin. Some of it had been relieved last night, yeah, but his brain had apparently used his rest time to come up with a whole new batch of worries.

He sauntered downstairs, faking it until he made it. Neither Harry nor Merlin were in the kitchen, so Eggsy decided to entertain himself by making breakfast. He glanced around, deciding the house was quiet enough that he could get away by playing music on his phone. It was easy enough to make sure that the volume was low enough that they couldn’t hear.

Instead, Eggsy danced around the kitchen as he made some scrambled eggs, prepped some bacon. Toast with some of the fancy jam he found in Merlin’s cupboards. He was humming the chorus to whatever pop song was stuck in his head, holding the spatula like a microphone, when he caught sight of Harry out of the corner of his eye. He bit back a screech and didn’t toss the spatula in the air (or at Harry), even though it was a near thing.

He scowled at Harry, his heart pounding and his cheeks flushing. “Could’ve said something, bruv.”

“I was enjoying the show,” Harry said mildly. Harry had, unfortunately, put clothes on. To be fair, pajamas and a dressing gown, but a naked Harry Hart was Eggsy’s favorite type. Well, okay, and a Harry Hart in combat. And not in combat. And smiling.

Okay, he was just sort of gone for Harry in general.

Eggsy threw a towel at him, his chest still heaving a bit too hard. It didn’t hurt, which was nice. Harry, being Harry, caught the towel efficiently and folded it, putting it back where Eggsy had originally gotten it. Eggsy took a half-step forward, trying to see past Harry towards his bedroom.

“He’s finishing up some work, then he’ll come out.” The amusement on Harry’s face told Eggsy exactly how likely Harry considered that to happen. Workaholic.

“I’ll go fetch him.” Eggsy sighed, but he grinned, too. His heart rate was finally coming down, even though he was going to double-check that no one was awake before he danced around the kitchen next time.

“No, eat your breakfast.” Harry nodded to what Eggsy had made. “Shame to waste it.” Then he had the cheek to wink at Eggsy. “You did work hard making it.”

Eggsy groaned, grabbing his plate and sinking down at the table. “How long were you there?”

“Long enough.” Harry looked supremely pleased with himself.

“I could make you something,” Eggsy offered. He felt bad eating when Harry was just standing there.

But Harry shook his head. “I’m fine, thank you.” His smile was somewhat tremulous.

Eggsy frowned, his eyes narrowing. He could see hints of lines smoothed out on Harry’s forehead, saw the way he was leaning against the doorframe a bit too heavily. “Headache?” Eggsy asked quietly.

Harry exhaled slowly and nodded a tiny bit. “It’s not bad yet,” he said.

Eggsy winced in sympathy. If that wasn’t bad, he could only imagine the bad ones. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No, but thank you.” Harry smiled at him again. “How are your mother and Daisy?”

Eggsy’s shoulders stiffened, and he forced them to relax. Harry would notice, and he’d already had one crisis over it that morning. He didn’t need another. “Good I think,” he said slowly.

He could feel Harry’s eyes studying him. Fucker. Harry was a spy, even if he wasn’t a particularly subtle one. Instead Eggsy took a particularly big bite of his breakfast. It was good, he could tell. It just sank in his stomach, his mind spinning and not actually tasting anything.

Fucking hell. How was he going to cope and be a Kingsman like this? V-day had been easy, surfing on the edge of adrenaline after Harry, Arthur, and the trip to the bunker. Merlin’s minds from so far back spun in his mind. “ _ We just have to cope the best we can.” _

Dean popped into his mind. Had he just been coping with his circumstances?

Suddenly Eggsy felt like he was going to throw up. Oh god. He’d killed more people than Dean. No matter how bad Dean was, he hadn’t done what Eggsy had. True he hadn’t saved the world, but so many people had died. So many families had lost someone they loved.

He dragged in a ragged breath. Felt a warm hand on his shoulder. “Do you need to talk about it?” Harry asked, his voice soft.

Eggsy swallowed despite the lump in his throat. “How am I any different than Dean?” His voice broke. It was embarrassing, cracking like that, and he put his head in his hands. Fuck. He was so weak. Merlin had seen it, didn’t judge him. Harry probably wouldn’t either; he was a good man.

But Eggsy was going to judge himself.

He heard rather than felt Harry sink into the chair next to him. “Eggsy, look at me.”

Eggsy bit his bottom lip, considered listening. Didn’t.

“Eggsy.” Harry’s voice was a bit sterner, but there was affection there, too. Warmth.

Eggsy turned to look at him, shoulders hunched.

“You are nothing like him.” Harry’s voice was like steel.

What normally would have made Eggsy retreat into himself, since that tone of voice rarely meant good things - instead it calmed him. He felt his shoulders relax. Not completely, but enough he wasn’t hurting the muscles any more.

“People like Dean hurt the weak and the innocent,” Harry said firmly. “You are a Kingsman. You only condone the taking of a life to save another.”

“But…” Eggsy looked down at his food, which was now cold. “There were so many.”

“Yet you saved so many more,” Harry said gently. He let out a sigh. It wasn’t exasperated, wasn’t frustrated. It was understanding. “You’ve seen those newspaper articles in my study, yes?”

There was a bitter twist to Eggsy’s lips, and he lifted his head to look at Harry, studying the warmth in his eyes, the scar that starburst out up from above his left eye. “Yeah.”

“Focusing on the ones you couldn’t save is a dark path,” Harry said quietly. “It’s led Kingsmen to an early grave before.”

Eggsy didn’t move his eyes, held Harry’s gaze. The lines of pain were gone. This was Harry calm and relaxed, utterly sure in what he was saying. “It’s not easy. It will never be. But it’s the burden we bear.”

Eggsy swallowed thickly, the knot in his chest easing for the first time since he could remember. Merlin had helped, but it had been so easy for his mind to write it off as a one-time thing, as simple words to soothe him when the world needed to be saved. 

“Thanks,” Eggsy said finally, looking at Harry. His heart was racing in a way that was entirely unrelated to his seconds-earlier moral crisis.

“You’re welcome,” Harry said, ever the gentleman. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Eggsy’s lips, lingered. Cupped the side of his jaw with a hand.

It was so easy to melt into it, to lose himself in the slide of Harry’s lips against his, the way Harry touched him. The way it felt like Harry cared. “Now,” Harry murmured, breaking the kiss. “I think it’s time to get Merlin from the bedroom.”

“Why do you make me do the hard work?” Eggsy winked, kissed Harry one last time. “If I have to carry him, I’m making you help me.”

Harry rolled his eyes, but it was fond. “I’ll make breakfast,” Harry informed him. “Don’t get sidetracked.”

Eggsy looked morally offended. “I would never.”

Harry just snorted, then turned to assess the kitchen. “You’ll both be late for breakfast at this rate.”

**

It had been harder than Harry had expected to make breakfast, sit and eat it with Eggsy and Merlin. Not because he didn’t want to be around them, but the pounding in his head was getting steadily worse. Both Eggsy and Merlin were observant; there was no way they hadn’t picked up on something. They were humoring him by not mentioning.

He could feel his eyelid twitching, the weird sort of feeling that made him want to press his eyes closed. It didn’t actually do anything, and he wasn’t ever sure if it was actually visible, but being unable to control something small about himself took him to a bad place.

“Harry.” That was Merlin, his voice soft. “Need anything?”

_ Yes,  _ Harry thought. To have never been shot in the first place. Bitterness welled up in him. Neither of them deserved to have to worry about him, to deal with him. Bile threatened to rise up and choke him. He stood, ignoring the way it made him dizzy. He just needed to get out of there.

He kept his eyes half-closed as he headed to his bedroom. That was one of the advantages of being a long-term spy. You learned very quickly how to map places out, even though you’d only been there once or twice. He opened the door, closed it quietly behind him instead of slamming it like he wanted to.

He could feel his blood pounding in his ears, the pain in his head threatening to crack his skull in two. It was easy enough to reach out and shut off the lights, plunging the room into darkness. He stripped down to his pants, not wanting to feel surrounded or suffocated. When it got like this, he was almost guaranteed a nightmare.

Getting into his bed wasn’t nearly as helpful as he had expected it to be. He had forgotten that they had spent the whole night there, and he could almost smell Eggsy’s shampoo on his pillow, some of the cologne Merlin always wore.

It was comforting, it made his body relax, and he hated them for it, which made his shoulders hunch, his hands tightening into fists, all of it aggravating the pain in his head.

He stuffed his face in the pillow like the angry adolescent he hadn’t been in decades, wishing muttering derogatory words would do anything besides wind him up more. The soft pressure of the pillow felt good against his temples, even as it made breathing a little bit more difficult.

It was hard to pin down in words exactly what had cracked. It wasn’t just the injury; he had been injured before. But Harry knew this was a career-ender for him. He had never faced an injury of its caliber before.

Sure, he’d lost months to the occasional year when he managed to cock something up spectacularly. But this was different. The magnitude was so much higher.

He had meant what he said to Eggsy. He had lost one of his best friends, thirty years ago, to not being able to cope with the realities of being a Kingsman. They tried to screen for it, best they could, but there was only so much that could be done before the end of training. Even the dog test (which Harry personally disliked) only did so much. There was a huge difference between one creature that you trusted, that had been there for you, and being responsible for the deaths of hundreds or thousands of people across many years.

For once, though, Harry didn’t let himself think about it. It wasn’t an option, not anymore. No matter how much sometimes it would have felt like a relief. Eggsy was right, Merlin was shit at looking after himself. Eggsy wasn’t much better, no matter how much he mother-hen-ed them around. Harry was going to stay there, help them look after themselves. If it meant staying in the shadows, he would take what he could get.

God he was pathetic. He wasn’t entirely certain if his ego could take it. He was almost a weak facsimile of his prior self. Before-gunshot Harry never would have considered such a thing.

But he wasn’t that person anymore, and he never would be.

The door creaked open. Harry made a muffled noise, scrunching his eyes shut but tilting his head slightly towards the door so it was easier to breathe.

“Harry?” It was Eggsy’s voice, calm and gentle. No trace of irritation, no trace of questioning about what had set him off. It was caring, pure and simple. “I brought your pain meds for you. And some water.”

Harry considered refusing them out of sheer spite. But who exactly would that help? Definitely not him, or his head, or Eggsy or Merlin. For all it would have made Harry feel better for a few split seconds, he would have lost it the moment that he saw the worry in Merlin’s eyes, the concern in Eggsy’s. He knew what it was like to see someone suffer because of their own stubbornness.

Knew firsthand, on both sides.

“Thanks,” Harry said, the words muffled by the pillow.

Eggsy made a quiet, exasperated noise. “You’re going to suffocate yourself,” he chided.

“Am not.” Harry attempted to shoot a glare his way, but it was hard when he didn’t want to open his eyes and he didn’t know where Eggsy was. There was a faint dip on the bed where Eggsy sat.

“Budge up,” Eggsy murmured.

Harry realized that Eggsy had picked the spot deliberately, blocking out the light. Not having the energy to protest too loudly, he pushed himself up, feeling too warm and too cold at the same time.

“Here.” Eggsy reached out and gently put a couple pills in Harry’s hand, then offered him the water glass with the other.

His eyes half-closed, partially because of the light and because he didn’t want to see the expression on Eggsy’s face, he put the pills in his mouth and took a couple swallows of water. It felt cool running down his throat, and Harry let out a soft sigh. He eased himself back down onto the bed, head tilted to the side this time, away from the partially-open door.

Eggsy’s hands gently smoothed Harry’s fringe, scraping a hand gently through his hair the way Harry often did to him. It didn’t ease the pain in his head, but it didn’t amplify it, either. Instead it helped smooth the slope of his shoulders, keeping him from holding his body so rigidly that he was going to wake up with muscle cramps everywhere.

Harry opened his mouth, then closed it. Eggsy could tell, though, because he paused in his movements. “Would you mind staying?” Harry cleared his throat, as best he could laying down. He hated asking. He hated wanting to ask.

But for once, he didn’t want to face the darkness alone.

“Of course.” Eggsy stroked a hand through his hair again. “Budge up, you have to let me on the bed.”

Making a show of it, Harry grumbled as he moved, letting Eggsy sit up on the bed, half-surprised when Eggsy sat cross-legged and resettled Harry’s head on a pillow on his lap, so Eggsy could comb through his hair, keep an eye on him.

Eggsy’s phone lit up a tiny bit. It wasn’t as bad as Harry expected, especially since Eggsy kept it away from his face. “Merlin will be here in an hour,” he said. Then he paused. “If that’s okay with you.”

The way Harry exhaled was embarrassingly shuddery. What the fuck was he doing?

“Yeah,” Harry said softly. It was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there they are, making progress. ;)


End file.
